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| | The 10 Commandments of Marriage | | | Sunday, July 13, 2008 (4:54 AM)
(I'm feeling anxious) | | Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is about communication.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment,
but then she smiled, 'It really works!' | | | 11 Views | 0  Thumbs Up | 0 Comments |  |
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| | A Great Dog Story | | | Saturday, July 12, 2008 (8:12 PM)
(I'm feeling busy) | | Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you don't, and you may even decide you need one!
Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named Lucky. Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.
Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particu lar that his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact, she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.
The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her.. what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. 'If I die, Lucky will be abandoned', Mary thought. 'He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him.' The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated, and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.
Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed. When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement, bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day.
It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box, but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
Remember ... live every day to the fullest. And never forget ... the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care for us.
| | | | 13 Views | 3 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS | | | Tuesday, June 24, 2008 (10:12 AM)
(I'm feeling happy) | | She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain\ rods.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not
find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she
missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that
was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign
the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
\
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? | | | | 23 Views | 8 Thumbs Up | 5 Comments | |
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| | STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT | | | Tuesday, June 24, 2008 (10:04 AM)
(I'm feeling aggravated) | | Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one' the student said, loudly enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones. Computers with light-speed processing... And more .'
After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:
'You're right, son.
We didn't have those things when w e were young ... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little sh--, what are you doing for the next generation?'
The applause was amazing......... | | | | 26 Views | 7 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
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| | "You Could Hear A Pin Drop...." | | | Tuesday, June 24, 2008 (10:02 AM)
(I'm feeling pleased) | | You could have heard a pin drop
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.' You could have heard a pin drop.
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rat her than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it. 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
| | | | 22 Views | 3 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | Riding with an Indian - | | | Monday, June 23, 2008 (6:37 PM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | A woman from New York was driving through a remote
part of Arizona When her car broke down. An American
Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
to A nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except
that every few minutes the Indian Would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the
Surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her
off at the local service Station, yelled one final
"Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do
to get that Indian so excited?" asked the Service-station
attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I
merely sat behind him on the horse, Put my arms
around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
Wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said ,
"Indians don't use saddles."
| | | | 32 Views | 5 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | Spaghetti | | | Monday, June 23, 2008 (5:44 PM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | Spaghetti
OHHHHHHHHHHH Boy!
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go
to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments
to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post
card today.
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
| | | | 30 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | Pastor's Business Card: | | | Thursday, June 19, 2008 (4:13 PM)
(I'm feeling busy) | | Pastor's Business Card:
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one ho use it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out his business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sun day, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
< I>Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
| | | | 27 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | "Baby Pictures" | | | Thursday, June 19, 2008 (2:50 PM)
(I'm feeling annoyed) | | The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
"Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime. But if we try several different positions, and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"I Don't know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh, my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached, and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
| | | | 26 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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