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| | "Just Like A MAN" | | | Sunday, March 1, 2009 (8:44 AM)
(I'm feeling aggravated) | | After 35 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf..
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said,….. 'I found the remote.'
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| | "Sack Lunches" | | | Saturday, January 3, 2009 (9:42 AM)
(I'm feeling melancholy) | |
I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.
Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.
'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Afghanistan
After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time..
As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base '
His friend agreed.
I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'
Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'
'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. 'This is your thanks.'
After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.
Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an said, 'I want to shake your hand.'
Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'
Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals.
It seemed so little...
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of up to
and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.'
May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to everyone on your email buddy list....
I JUST DID
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| | Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler | | | Wednesday, December 24, 2008 (11:57 AM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | September 15 6:00 PM
Convinced my wife that it was time we left Florida and moved back to the area of our "roots" northern
Minnesota. I kind of miss the seasons a nd the wife says that you never can go back. What does she know, we have been in the heat too long, and it must have taken a toll on her.Our escrow closed yesterday and we are packing up and leaving in about a week. Hello seasons, I can't wait..
October 1 5:00 PM
The colors turned to the most beautiful shades that one could ever imagine.. why did we wait so long to come back to "Heaven"?? My neighbor says that enjoy it now because we will see a lot of snow... I think Bob is just kidding me...
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is
such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nu ts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?
=0 A
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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| | CHP VS USMC | | | Thursday, November 27, 2008 (9:25 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15,just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to USMC Base Commander.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi. | | | | 66 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | The Naughty Parrot | | | Monday, November 24, 2008 (7:40 PM)
(I'm feeling hungry) | | It's that time of year again…………..
John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and shoved him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued...
........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?"
Happy Thanksgiving To Ya'll~
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| | Your Dreams....? | | | | Wednesday, November 19, 2008 (10:42 AM) | | We must overcome the notion
that we must be regular...
it robs you of the chance to be extraordinary
and leads you to the mediocre
Uta Hagen
Whatever you can do
or dream you can,
begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Begin it now."
Goethe
Keep away from people
who try to belittle your ambitions.
Small people always do that,
but the really great make you feel that you, too,
can become GREAT!.
Mark Twain
*************************************
How blessed I am to be surrounded by people who
believe in my dreams.. and encourage me each day.
No matter how big or small your dreams may be...
surround yourself with people who believe in you...
Let go of the negatives in your life...
They are only holding you back
from being the person you were meant to be.
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE...
You deserve the happiness in life that brings fulfillment
and gives you the confidence to overcome any obstacle.
Even I need to be around people who are inspirational...
as optimistic as I am... It helps me to talk to others
who have overcome their fears and dreamed their dream
Stop making excuses for why you have not achieved your goals.
We can all find excuses for why we cant do something...
but if we truly want something bad enough...
In time it can be achieved... but we have to believe in our dreams...
Even if no one else understands them.. It's YOUR dreams...
Some are rather sweet ones too eh? | | | | 57 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | MIlitary Quotes | | | | Thursday, November 13, 2008 (1:29 PM) | | When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return." It became very quiet in the room.
******************
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?" A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?" Once again, dead silence.
_________________________________ ____________________
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'......................You could have heard a pin drop!
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| | I Wish You Enough | | | Thursday, November 13, 2008 (1:01 PM)
(I'm feeling sick) | |
Story: I wish you Enough
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at
the airport. They had announced the departure.
Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love
you and I wish you enough."
The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than
enough..Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom."
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the
window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and
needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me
in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be
forever?" Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this
a forever good-bye?" "I am old and she lives so far away. I have
challenges ahe ad and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my
funeral," she said. "When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I
wish you enough. May I ask what that means?"
She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other
generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." She paused a moment
and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even
more? "When we said , 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person
to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them."
Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting
it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the
day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may
appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE.....
To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH
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| | Pregnant Turkey | | | Thursday, November 6, 2008 (5:54 PM)
(I'm feeling sleepy) | | Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
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| | Mechanic vs Cardiologist | | | Tuesday, October 28, 2008 (9:12 PM)
(I'm feeling awake) | | A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want
to take a look at this?
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The Mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $49,000 a year, and you get the really big bucks ($1,696,000) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist smiled, and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...Try doing it with the engine running!
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