I had a day of lifetime tears. They are the happy tears that come over you and stream down your face, healing the stresslines and the hurt as the roll on. I live for these moments, I love that feeling over any other that life can bring. It encourages me on, it rejuvinates me and makes me hopeful and happy. I have always felt that way, even though most of my life I didn't understand it. 

I have had some dear ones on my mind a lot lately. Situations arise in life for us all, but to me, this situation seems most unfair and at times most hurtful to me that it could even happen. These dear people are on my mind constantly, sending them love and warm thoughts. Praying for their well-being, comfort, and happiness. I love them dearly and deeply so.

For a majority of my life I would first try to fix things that were so wrong, and then when the task I set out to do was too large for me, I fell and blamed myself for many things that were never my fault. I cried more sad tears of misery than lifetime tears. I needed to feel that rush of overwhelming love that I feel when you look someone in the eye, with tears streaming down their cheeks, tears that are sad and lonely and scared, and you can see the change, and then lifetime tears begin to fall, and you see the healing. I needed that so badly, and yet saw no progress at all and made myself feel awful for it.

In my personal growth I have come closer to God. I know those words may make some of you roll your eyes or sigh in discontent, but it's me. God doesn't want His children to worry, and this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to try and understand. Worry only allows negative to stew inside and create more trouble in our lives, when we live in content joy, in knowing that God loves us so much, and He is in control of what happens in our lives, and will use all that does happen for the good of our life, we allow God to help us. That's a big statement to understand, but one most important to my changes in myself.

I feel with my whole being that God has put me on earth to console and encourage people. I couldn't even probably remember all of the people I have offered my sympathy to, and I am not boasting, I am describing who I am, and what I have done. I have always found it difficult to interact with others, I have never been in the popular crowd, and am awkward at times. I obsess in my mind mostly. But I still always tried to touch the hearts of those in need. I find it so disturbing that people think that they are lowly and undeserving of love. That is why we were created! To be loved! So many things hurt my heart, and I feel that I have an instinct to want to comfort in the least. I cannot comfort people or encourage anyone, if I am worried about all of them before the person I'm talking to at the moment, I cannot think properly to try and give a tender but logical answer if I am obsessing about that one person that is still sad because there is something that I myself couldn't change. Many of these people are still imprinted upon my spirit, some who I felt so dearly close to, and couldn't help.

It came to a point in my life where I had put so many people before me, I lost myself deep inside a pit of worry. It didn't lift until I started to pray more again, and remember that God's love is with me, and that He didn't want me to worry was something that was heavy upon my heart. He made sure that it became clear to me in a very miraculous way. And when the healing began it started to be lifted at such a rate that I couldn't believe it, and at first was suspicious of things going terribly wrong at any minute. Again the message of leaving my worries with Him was heavy on my heart. If you think that it was just a concious thought I was having, I must say, that just wasn't my character at the time, I had the worst opinion of myself at the time, and would not even dare think that I should stop worrying, without God's gentle touch.

I'm sure you didn't expect this, and if you're still reading I applaude you. Most would have quit by now. People want miracles? Lifetime tears are miracles. When I started to rely on God more, and pray and not obsess about things that I was worried about, things began to smooth out, I felt so much better about myself, I changed things I felt would take years to change, in so little time. I credit GOD for that, not me. He made sure that I had all that I needed in my life to change what I had become. All of the intricite details themselves are a miracle.

If someone were to ask me what is the difference between a believer in God not worrying, and believing that God is working good in their life, and a non believer not worrying at all, because he doesn't wish to worry, and if both of them had the exact same result, as seen by those around them, I can tell you that the difference would be that the overwhelming joy and comfort that God gives you as a reward for trusting Him, having faith in Him through the hardest of times, it's where lifetime tears come from. The non believer will still be happy that his situation worked out, but he will not have the healing of spirit that the believer has. I know this because I've lived both sides.

Lifetime tears, to me, come when God has just blessed me so greatly, and has given me a reward for trusting and loving Him. The love and happiness is so overwhelming that it leaks out of my eyes. God blessed me greatly today, in my 3D life mostly, but LV as well.

I know not all of my friends believe what I believe, and if you are one of them and are still reading this, I would like to say thank you for caring enough about me to read my thoughts out, and I respect you, and would never pass judgement on anyone. I will have any discussion you'd like, on a civil manner, not a malicious one.

God bless and keep you all, my friends, I truly have been blessed today, and had to share that with you
Bekkah }i{

It seems that my email troubles may have been caused by some kinda spam or something in my email box. I don't get all of this mumbo jumbo, but it is possible that it was something totally unrelated to LV. I don't open any email that I don't know where it's from and I just don't know how this crap goes on.

The mess seems to be quieting down now, I hope that in spite of the fact that everyone just LOOOVES drama and lulz, I hope that we can learn to be nicer about it. Sure it's fun to some, but to those in the firing line it's not. Just be gentle is what my advice is, and yes I know, you didn't ask for it :)

It does concern me that people with health issues do get effected by these things, and I would just like to say to those people, just don't absorb it, don't let it into your life, and take care of yourself in a whole new way that you never thought of. Ignore what bothers you, to a degree, and it won't effect your health. There are always going to be those issues that get us so riled up we can't calm down, take those as worthy causes to speak up about. Don't ever let drama make you sick again :)

I just can't imagine what this week will bring! LOL
Take care, 
Bekkah }i{

With Brittany nearing delivery, we both anticipate and fear it coming. She fears what every mother does when she is expecting her firstborn. She fears the pain, and all of the unknown. I'm sure she feels that she might not be able to do it, and many other things that fill the mind, when we don't know. Along with the fears come the anticipation to see her daughter, who she has been becoming close to, even without gazing upon her face. She longs to feel pretty again, although she's the most beautiful I have ever seen her. She feels insecure, and unready, but wants to embrace it just the same. These are not unusual feelings at all.

What I have come to realize, as the circle is turned back to me, is that even the known can make us fear and anticipate the same way. I remember that it was very painful to give birth to Brittany, and though I do remember that it was a struggle, I remember more what it was like to hold her in my arms for the first time. I cried just like I am now, at how I created something so beautiful, after a life of feeling I had let everyone down. I promised her in a whisper, to love her forever, and that is what I remember of her birth. Now as a mother, who's daughter is going to give birth, well, I'm reminded of my Mom and how she felt back then. I anticipate meeting my first grandchild, Grace Ann, who has already brought much happiness to my life. But I also fear feeling like my Mother, unable to comfort my little girl, through so much pain and distress. I fear the helplessness that will bring, and how my heart shall hurt for my lil Peanut. But I too shall embrace the experience, for I do love her forever.

There's always distance. No matter how close something is, it's still just a little bit far away. No matter the efforts to change it, sometimes, the distance gets greater, instead of closer. At the same time, when we pull some things closer, they seem so much smaller than they did from far away.

This is how I find some friendships to be. LiveVideo has given me some great and loyal friends. I have met many lovely people who have enriched my life, and made some bumps in my path seem smoother. There are others that though they are quiet, they support with strength and loyalty. 

I have not ever shared much personal information about myself, my life, my wants, my wishes, my hurts... anything, because I have always had a hard time reaching out. I do not gossip about things that hurt me, or that make me wish to pound my fists on the ground. The only thing that hurts and obstacles in life can do for good, is to help someone else through the same. This is how I share my information. I don't spill my guts out, just give the amount of information needed to help.

I'm not stupid, and I am not naive. I know that people will talk and deduct what they want to about anything and everything, including me. That never bothered me all of my life, when people didn't understand or know me, and made up lies and stories about me, and it's not going to bother me now. 

I used to be unsure of myself, and didn't care about myself enough to stand up and prove that those people were wrong. I let their words hurt me, and keep making me put distance between myself, and things that I wanted from life. I let them enable myself to put myself in a lower frame of mind than I already was in.

Today, I am a much stronger person, and instead of standing up and addressing the lies and rumors, I choose to just ignore them. They are just lies that are meant to stir trouble in my life, and by acknowledging them, I am giving them power in my life to come true. Instead, I am confident in who I am, and the choices that I make in my life. I think about each one. I've made mistakes plenty, just like everyone else.

I have always had trust issues with people. I still help them, even if I don't trust them. I still care about the value of the human spirit. I will still continue to care, and try my hardest to help people who need an uplifting word, or a smile. The distance in which I do that is going to be greater, now.

If you feel I have distanced you. I'm not sorry. I do not participate in rumors or passed around gossip. Not about me, or anyone else. Apparently you'll have your fun whether the person deserves it or not. People will just hide behind the lie that this isn't real life, it's just online fun. I will distance myself from any fun that destroys the hearts of others. 

I'm not a perfect person, don't claim to be better than anyone, but I really do try hard to be kind to all, and I don't like being made to feel like I can't do that. Distance. I will still be me, but from my deserted, private island. With those who are close.