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magic.mushroom
Magic Mushrooms Increase Your Intelligence
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61 years old
Phoenix, Az
United States
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 Happy New Year people
Monday, December 28, 2009 (4:12 PM)
(I'm feeling hyper)
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 Sexual Harrassment (Defined!)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 (6:39 PM)
(I'm feeling hyper)
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells
her that her hair smells nice

After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her Complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks, What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you Your
hair smells nice?' 









The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the midget.'
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 In the Coming Year
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 (6:41 PM)
(I'm feeling pessimistic)

Well my two cents on the coming New Year. I really feel for all the people who are out of work, and/or facing forclosure on their homes, or eviction. Especially the ones with children, small or half grown. The general economic climate in this country is as bad as it has ever been since the Great Depression. The cause of this one is the same as the Great One. Unfettered Capitalism. Yep market economies just don't work...the banks lend more money, people borrow and spend money they don't have, and borrow to pay off previous debts. The debts come due, nobody will lend anymore money to cover them, and poof..recession or depression. This one has been building since the middle 1970's. I remember when bank loan interest rates were like 20 percent, and people were scrambling to get those loans before they went higher. Why?? Because they wanted the money before the rates were so high they couldn't
qualify for them. The rationale was, as soon as the interest rated drop, I'll just re-finance and pay off the high loan and replace it with a lower interest rate loan. Soon Big Business decided, "Hell if it works for the consumer, it'll work for us" and did the same things..borrow at high rates, pay off with lower rates and just perpetuate the cycle.

Yes, the Government and the economists say we've bottomed out, they're just flat lying. The have no more idea what tomorrow holds than you or I. They make wild predictions and hope that they hit the mark 10 percent of the time. That's like a baseball player with a .100 batting average. How long do you think a team would keep him? What are his chances in a trade? He'd be included in a trade of a better player just to get him off the payroll.

Real estate people who know what is happening say a second wave of forclosures is just around the corner..with over a million more
homes predicted to go into forclosure. Rosey picture isn't it.

Folks it's going to get alot worse before it gets better. If you've got a decent place to live, clotheson your and your childrens backs,, transportation and the ability to purchase food. Thank your lucky stars. Food Banks are running out of food, Banks can't unload forclosed houses fast enough, some Banks are praying for the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation to absorb them before they tank completely.

My wish for the coming year is for the economy to at least stabilize, and start to shed some of it's "burden". For all people to be able to afford or maintain shelter, and food, and for families to become closer and start "supporting" each other. If you've got a mom or a pop...who's disabled, ill, or just plain aged, contact them, care for them in what ever way you can. If your neighbor is "down and out" offer a helping hand, spread the wealth a little. If everybody does just a small part, this country can and will recover, the Government can't do it all by themselves. Remember, We are the Government!! I ask you, did the Government offer you any bail out money, did they forgive any of your debt?

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 Husband Down
Monday, December 21, 2009 (7:36 PM)
(I'm feeling awake)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies..

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
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 2009's First Christmas Joke
Thursday, December 17, 2009 (7:41 AM)
(I'm feeling crazy)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
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 Smithy, The Sniffer Dog
Sunday, December 13, 2009 (2:54 AM)
(I'm feeling crazy)


A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the airplane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane?


The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a "sniffer dog". "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Smithy to "search". Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man next to him and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her at the airport when we land." "Say, that pretty neat," said the first man.





Once again the agent sends Smithy to search the aisle. The Labrador sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, then returns to his seat and, this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says the other man.







The agent tells Smithy to "search again".
Smithy walks up and down the aisle for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the seat.The first man is really stunned by this behavior and can't figure how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"











The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
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 A "New" Christmas Poem
Wednesday, December 9, 2009 (1:44 PM)
(I'm feeling thankful)

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER IN IRAQ , LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
'SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY! COUNTRY, MY CORPS.'

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.'

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,!
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'

This poem was written by a Marine.

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 To Hatchetman.....Condolences my friend
Friday, December 4, 2009 (8:09 PM)
(I'm feeling sympathetic)

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 Stray Cats and how to deal with them
Friday, December 4, 2009 (8:11 AM)
(I'm feeling mischievous)
As dictated by a "House Cat"

Stray cats will not be fed.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food tossed on the ground, outside.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk in a spare margarine container.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
Stray cats will not try to make the house cats jealous when they are eating THEIR food! 

Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence and will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled.
Stray cats will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name. 

Stray cats will not have special toys bought for them so that they will be tempted to come closer.
Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times, maybe holidays.
Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y."
Stray cats will not beat up the house cats when they come inside the house on days ending in "Y." 

Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sharpen their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.
Stray cats will not climb up the insides of people's pants legs, clinging to the thermal underwear, when they are sharpening their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.
Stray cats will sleep outside.
Stray cats will sleep outside unless it's raining.
Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
Stray cats will sleep in the house but not in the bedroom.
Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket in a corner of the bedroom.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
Stray cats will not be allowed to curl up on our pillows, tickle one ear with their tail, and purr in the other ear all night. 

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers unless we're cold.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
Stray cats sleeping under the covers at the foot of the bed will not be allowed to chew on our feet.
Stray cats that have a habit of chewing toes when they sleep under the covers at the foot of the bed will find that we've taken to wearing our slippers to bed. 


Stray cats will be neutered as soon as possible. 

Stray cats that are already pregnant will sleep in a specially prepared box.
Stray cats that are already pregnant and searching for a place to have their babies will be given a safe place to have them, comfortably lined with an old blanket or towels.
Stray cats that are already pregnant and searching for a place to have their babies will not be allowed in closets, drawers, cupboards or spare rooms.
Stray cats that have their babies in the closet in our bedroom will not be allowed to pull our clothes from the hangers.
Stray cats that have their babies on our best evening gown will have to live with that on their conscience forever! We will have to live with the $90 cleaning bill.
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 The Italian Bank Robber...
Friday, November 27, 2009 (2:36 PM)
(I'm feeling surprised)
 
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and
forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the
hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I tinka my wifa may have caughta glimpse
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