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| | Scholarships and such | | | Friday, May 16, 2008 (10:59 AM)
(I'm feeling ecstatic) | | woot! so we had awards night wednesday night.
I got 4 scholarships! plus 2 more that i got from the college im going to.
i got a $5,450 one, i got a $1,045 one, i got a $125 one and a $225 one. Then from the college i got $3,000 in scholarships, plus $5,000 in loans which yea i guess ill have to pay those back but i got my first year already paid off. How AWESOME is that? lol
so yea i guess thats all i really have to say. just an update i guess.
O and i graduate this sunday! wish me luck! i prolly wont be on much this weekend cuz i got a billion parties to go to. but everyone take care! and thanks for ur best wishes and concerns! :) love you all! | | | 13 Views | 6  Thumbs Up | 3 Comments |  |
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| | Long Story Short | | | Sunday, May 4, 2008 (8:02 PM)
(I'm feeling blah) | | So the hearing happened friday morning.
Im not really in the mood to write a blog so heres the long story short:
We have these advisory groups and for 40 minutes, our grades get split up into 4 groups with different teachers and we do different things. Well the junior high (or middle school) is divided into 8 groups. They've been learning about making choices through high school and stuff.
Guess what i get to do?
Speak to them this wednesday and thursday about making choices thru high school.
Doesnt have to be over my experience but what i have seen through my years of high school. They dont even really care what I say or how long it goes.
10 times better than getting kicked out or community service.
Thank the Lord!
I dont kno what im gunna say yet..but hey im very thankful right now :)
AND ive had a pretty fun weekend to top it off.
Well...some of it was fun i guess.
I seen ironman twice!! which btw...IS AN AMAZING MOVIE!!!!! i recommend it to all of you..
ok thats all i gotta say..
LOVE YAZ! and thank you all for ur prayers and concerns!
<3 | | | | 35 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
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| | The Tears Finally Come | | | Wednesday, April 30, 2008 (8:32 PM)
(I'm feeling depressed) | | When you think everything is working out and getting better, you get slapped in the face.
If you didnt know..ive sorta been going through a rough time lately. And if you kno me well enough at all you know that i try and keep my head up and just smile. Well its been really hard lately. I've felt so....blah. And depressed. I thought it was getting better. Especially seeing graduation is coming up and my last day of school is the 13th so we have like 9 school days left. Exciting right? Especially seeing nobody had talked to me yet bout getting kicked of national honor society so they told me not to worry about it because they prolly wont do anything.
Well..then today at lunch..i get told I need to talk to one of my teachers (hes the guy that was supposed to tell me when my hearing is) after school. So i go in there after school. My hearing is Friday morning at 7:50. I'm pretty sure im not gunna get kicked off. I dont have my hopes high but ive been reassured by so many ppl; students, teachers, parents, that they prolly wont. But i will get punished. ........Do you realize how furious I am????? I have 9 DAYS LEFT OF SCHOOL!!! and then i graduate...9!!! they have waited 3 WEEKS for this hearing. They should have done it right when i got back from florida. Plus the fact that i shouldnt even really be getting in trouble. UGH!!
I have to plead my case and defend myself friday in front of my teachers. I already know that 2 will probably vote that i dont get kicked out, but idk how many are gunna be there.
How much more do i have to go through? I've gone through 10 times more than kids at my school have for getting caught drinking and driving or possesions! Thats not right!!
I've never got in trouble with the law, im not a bad kid!! I've worked my butt off to get into the national honor society!!
The guy mentioned that one of the options of punishment would be that i wont be able to wear the rope that says i was in NHS for graduation. I kno thats not a big deal to most but it is to me!! I've worked SOOO hard more than any of these ppl kno to get that stupid rope and the honor and to be recognized!! And im getting tossed to the side and crucified because i made one poor choice. A really small choice i may add. Yea it was dumb but it was nothing compared to what the other ppl have done in my class!
But all i can do is defend myself..its just BS.
I've been holding this in all day...a tear finally falls. | | | | 43 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 6 Comments | |
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| | Update on what's happening... | | | Wednesday, April 16, 2008 (3:52 PM)
(I'm feeling good) | | alright. so. this is what happened.
on the way down to florida...im not gunna get into detail but me and this kid did stuff. well if u didnt kno ive been dating this guy named troy for about a month and a half. and after me and this kid (john) did stuff, we promised not to tell. well..him being a guy (no offense) and a freshman, we got to florida and he tells one of his "trustworthy" friends. his friend tells one person and seeing how my school is because theyre so bad with rumors and wanting to kno everything, everyone finds out in like 15 minutes. ppl start coming to my hotel room asking me about it. i try and cover it up thinking it was just a rumor until i find out that john was telling ppl it was tru. so instantly im pissed. so that night and the next day really sucked when it came to friends and stuff. i mean it was fun cuz we went to universal and stuff but after what everyone heard, they all acted as if i was such a whore and crap and so therefore i got cold shouldered while john was getting highfives. o and the night everyone found out, this girl named amy who has tried making my life hell for years, yet acts like my best friend, messages troy on facebook telling him and so i had to explain everything to him that night till 3am. then the next night, my choir teacher notices im upset. cuz when we went to the mall i was by myself the whole time. i told her there were rumors going around and stuff and she said thats what she heard. but i lied to her and told her a different story then what happened. well...2 hrs later she comes knocking on my door and she leads me to a room with john, her, my band teacher and me cuz we need to chat. they told us to fess up blah blah blah. so we did. welp, we broke a rule. so she called the principal. then they called our parents. after getting yelled at from the teachers, i get yelled at by my parents. and then im up like the whole night bawling my eyes out cuz were gunna get in trouble with the school, my parents. o and we were so lucky we werent sent home because that was the rule was that if u got in trouble ud be sent home on a plane at our expense. but the punishment was that we couldnt perform at sea world, and we had to stay in the hotel. so sunday, everyone went to the beach and stuff and this medieval restaurant, while me and john were seperated and stuck in our hotel rooms. then monday was the day we go to sea world. well that wasnt too bad because they let us go to sea world but we had to sit at a table the whole day while chaperones watched us. yea our punishment was harsh but it could have been worse. and by this time i only really had john as a friend but me and john were only allowed to talk when we were sitting there with chaperones. otherwise we werent allowed to look at each other or talk. then tuesday they went to islands of adventure and me and john had to sit there from 9-2 with a chaperone and then from 2-5:30 they let us go but me and john still couldnt be near each other. so we were lucky there. then they put me on a different bus on the way home.
ok so i get home, my dad was pissed for a couple days, now hes just disappointed. my mom is understanding just wants to help me thru this cuz she knows im going through a rough time. i go back to school and everyone in my town pretty much thinks its old news except for a few and some of mine and johns friends are just joking around about it now. there are some girls that think im a whore and crap but whatever..the girls that call me a whore are girls that have done way worse than i have. and everything has been getting better. i talked to my principal and he said he just wants to move on cuz ppl make mistakes so i wasnt getting in trouble. my parents are a lil more strict on my curfew and stuff now but thats ok i guess.
ik the situation sounds pretty dumb now and it is. im just trying to move on and it was really big deal to me. especially disappointing my family. its hard.
the newest on this is that troy and i broke up 2 days ago, not because of this but because we both need to work on things in our lives right now, and i might get kicked off national honor society.
that right there is one of the hardest things. but its still looking up. i have a meeting with some adults that vote if i should be kicked out or not. the thing is i have my parents, students and teachers that think its BS that they wanna kick me off. ive had a teacher tell me that shes backing me 100% and that if i get kicked off shes writing the board of education a huge letter about how pissed she is lol.
ive learned a lot from this. i wanna thank you all VERY much for being there for me. i realize who my tru friends are and who i should go to. i wouldnt be happy right now without all of u.
im still trying to fix things. but so far its been getting better :) thank you so much for ur prayers.
i hope this explained things so ur not all confused haha. if u have ne more questions just ask!
LOVE YOUUU!!! | | | | 67 Views | 10 Thumbs Up | 8 Comments | |
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| | O thats right...this is who i am.. | | | Sunday, April 6, 2008 (11:40 AM)
(I'm feeling depressed) | | im a liar..im a player..im a sinner..
mostly a liar...a huge one..
ive lied to all of u...ive got to come clean now..
im dating this guy named troy from a town near me. we've been dating for almost a month and a half now
ive cheated on him already...
he now knows..
that rumor that has been making my life hell...well..it wasnt a rumor...it was tru...it happened...and now because i lied, im getting in huge trouble with the school, my family, everyone. everyone pretty much hates me. i deserve it. ive been lying like crazy. i lied once and then to get out of that lie i lied again. and again. i deserve wutever i get for this.
i wish i could take back everything. i wish i culd have changed what i did.
im sorry i led u on. im sorry i made u believe im such a wonderful person. im not. get away from me when u can. all of u. i deserve it.
ive done some pretty bad things..but this is by far the worst. i keep saying i deserve it. which i do. but at the same time...i dont want it. im still a human being. i still want this to just go away. i want u all to forgive me.
but its not going to happen....
ur pretty dumb to forgive me i think..
is there any salvation here?????? | | | | 83 Views | 14 Thumbs Up | 12 Comments | |
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| | Are we really viewed like this?? | | | Saturday, March 22, 2008 (5:02 PM)
(I'm feeling thoughtful) | | Ok so this is an article that i read today and it got me thinking. So leave some comments!!
When filmmaker Caroline Suh decided to make a documentary about the student-council election at New York's Stuyvesant High School, she was concerned about how the kids would react to the camera. It's an understandable fear: for those of us of Suh's age—she's 37—and older, the introduction of a movie camera has traditionally turned people into either hams mouthing 'Hi, Mom!' or zombies frozen stiff with anxiety. "When I was in high school, if someone was making a film, it would have been this glamorous, exciting thing," Suh says. Turns out she needn't have worried. During the year Suh spent making "Frontrunners," two other journalists were also documenting Stuyvesant's kids: one for a book about the school's academic pressures, another for a magazine cover story on the sexual mores of contemporary youth. And the kids, Suh says, were unfazed by the scrutiny. "They've all seen reality TV. They make movies with their cell phones," she says. "Being under the microscope is just part of their lives."
The kids in "Frontrunners" are the leading edge of what's being called the millennials—the cohort born after 1982—but you might call them the Look at Me Generation. Thanks to "The Real World," "Laguna Beach" and the like, they've been documented like no group before them, most especially by themselves: on their blogs, their MySpace, Facebook and Flickr pages, and on YouTube. And now the artistes are taking their turn, with a new wave of reality series, films and books examining the documentation generation. But are we seeing real people, or personas? Listen to girls talk about their roles in the WE series "High School Confidential," and they sound like eerily polished publicists—for themselves. Flip through the photo book "One Hundred Young Americans," and you see a collection of pretty young things prepping for fame, not life, such as Jake, who says, "The whole MySpace thing is a good warm-up for when I'm really famous." It's not just the entertainment that can feel hollow. Sociologists have begun to question the effect of all this exhibitionism on young people. Can they form durable identities off-camera, or are they so used to producing their images for outside consumption that images have replaced their essences? Will a generation for whom all secrets are fair game and every private moment can become public trust each other and form intimate relationships?
To trace the roots of this culture of overexposure, consider two of the forerunners of reality programming: the BBC's "Up" series, which followed a group of 7-year-olds starting in 1964, and the five Loud children in the PBS series "An American Family," from 1973. It's amazing how artless the subjects are in their self-presentation, and how conflicted they are about their participation in the projects. In the "Up" series, a few of the children even express annoyance at the camera's presence and wonder what the point is of being filmed. Contemporary documentaries such as "American Teen," "Frontrunners" and "High School Confidential" have the unvarnished appearance of authenticity—all those handheld cameras and dodgy lighting—but the subjects seem to take for granted that their lives are documentary-worthy. In fact, being filmed often takes on an air of community service. "I had moments of feeling like what I was going through was private, and you don't want the world to know you," says Jessi, who had a miscarriage and struggled with depression during the filming of "High School Confidential," which followed a group of high-school girls in Kansas over four years. "At the same time, other girls are going through those things, and maybe it will help them to see they're not alone. I saw it as an opportunity." The only time Jessi asked the director to stop filming was when she auditioned for an acting school. Did she fear coming off as too real when she's acting, or not real enough?
You can really see how blurry the lines between reality and "reality" have become in a typical meta-moment: when the girls from "High School Confidential" did a taping recently of "The Tyra Banks Show." They were seated in a row onstage, acting like spokeswomen for the issues they expected to represent: Cate is the anorexic wrist-cutter, Cappie is the party girl, Jessi the suicidal depressive. It's hard not to think that the girls have learned their roles, at least in part, from "The Hills" and "The Real World," where subjects craft their identities for maximum screen time. "There is some savviness of trying to fit some position on the show," says Jon Murray, one of the creators of "The Real World." "The persona might be, I'm the fun-loving frat guy, I'm the dark-poet type. I'm the say-anything crazy person." And if you have to endure the embarrassment of having the topless photo you sent to your boyfriend forwarded to your entire school—and then endure it again as a major plot point in "American Teen"—so be it. No pain, no gain, which is the prime lesson of MTV's "The Hills," where Lauren Conrad has parlayed her tragic love life into B-level stardom. "With Lauren, it was like we had a reality house with Angelina Jolie," says Murray.
One of the ironies of the Look at Me Generation is that many young people believe they are masters of their own images, only to discover, like the topless girl in "American Teen," they can't control anything. "Every decision you make can be so regrettable now, because technology can be so much more vicious," says Nanette Burstein, the film's director. Online gossip sites such as juicycampus.com exacerbate the problem by making it possible for kids to post rumors about each other anonymously, with little recourse for the victims. "What is different is there are these digital footprints," says C. J. Pascoe, a sociologist studying how teens use new media. One kid she studied had broken up with his girlfriend a year earlier, but he still had her name as part of his MySpace page address, the virtual equivalent of having SUZY FOREVER tattooed on his arm.
At the extreme, consider Errol Morris's upcoming "Standard Operating Procedure," about the torture scandals at Iraq's Abu Ghraib Prison. In the film we see the dozens of photos the soldiers—most of whom were in their teens and early 20s at the time—took of the prisoners they abused, and of each other, posing and goofing around. In some of the shots with the prisoners, other soldiers' cameras are visible as well. Their eagerness to document themselves seemed to blind them to the consequences of creating a record of their actions. The pictures not only resulted in the guards' downfall—without the photos, there would have been almost no proof of crimes—but they may have fed their ugliest impulses. As Morris says, "I often think that if cameras had not been present, these events would not have occurred."
It's probably too soon to weigh the implication of all this publicization on teens' abilities to have meaningful experiences off-camera. In order to form intimate relationships, they will need to trust each other, and not view friendships and romances—not to mention guarding prisoners—as one more arena for MySpace-worthy performances. But instant trust via a blog or Facebook page can be misleading, says Kate Hellenga, a psychology professor at San Francisco State who has studied intimacy and online behavior. "There's a difference between spewing a lot of 'content' between two people and true knowledge of another person," she says. "There isn't a lot of room for trust and earnestness because of the younger generation's constant awareness of self-presentation." Some young people are aware of this conundrum. Looking at a portrait of himself taken by Dawoud Bey "feels strange because I am trying to extract a private memory from an image that is now public," writes one of Bey's subjects in the foreword to "Class Pictures," a book of photos of high-school kids across the country. It seems contradictory: one thing you can say for the Look at Me's is that they won't suffer the collective amnesia of their boomer elders, who often boast about being too stoned during their youth to remember it. But this generation may have something else in common with boomers: they are so busy documenting their experiences, and being documented, that they may end up with postcards from a trip they have no memory of taking.
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| | Family Vaca | | | Saturday, March 15, 2008 (7:03 PM)
(I'm feeling annoyed) | | family vaca makes me wanna shoot myself sometimes..
dont worry i dont actually wanna shoot myself..
but still..
so if you didnt kno...my uncle passed away last saturday. i was having a pretty long day...
i had a show choir competition that morning, which is one of my favorite competitions, and its like the biggest one we go to and its my last one of my life because im a senior and all that. well i had to wake up at like 6 or 7 for that, get on the bus, get there, get ready, warm up, its all good. we perform...eh. not so good. especially for being 2A. which i still dont understand why we got bumped up to 2A. if you would have seen those other groups we had to go against..they were HUGE! like 3 times the size of us. and we completely SUCKED compared to them. then we get done with that and i have to rush to get undressed and looking good and i have to take a bus and head over to another school and go to state speech.
get to speech and i dont perform for a couple of hours so i eat and hang with my friends and my mom. my youth minister showed up and hung out with us for a bit and i had no clue he was coming so i absolutely was happy! i thought wow..this is a great day so far..even tho i was WAY nervous to perform my speech considering i had only practiced my speech like 3 times during the 2 week break between districts and state. i perform..and i did prolly one of the best jobs ive done. so i was pretty happy..although i wanted to cry because i thought that i did horrible so i was a lil upset at myself but i tried not to worry about it too much cuz i still had a long day ahead of me.
then i have to rush back over to the other school where that show choir competition is still going on and i made it just in time for awards. i sit there....and sit there.....then my mom taps me on the shoulder and says "hannah..ur uncle bud just died.." ...wut??? "ur uncle bud.." yea i heard u!!...i sat there and just stared..wanting to cry but i was in front of a bunch of ppl..i kept thinking i just needed to shove it to the side for now.
then they announce the 2A awards. before that day all i knew was that there were 4 1A schools and 3 2A so we were gunna be garaunteed a trophy and i was so sketch. well then they announce the 1A and they only give 2 trophies away...im like huh? and then my music teacher is like o yea they switched some groups around and now theres 4 schools in 2A. i was FURIOUS! so of course us being so frickin small compared to those other schools and so inexperienced compared to the other schools we get 4th..which means no trophy.
you have no idea how much show choir means to me. especially that competition..and the fact that its my last year. and then right after we find out we got 4th, i get a text saying i got straight 2’s in speech. i just sat there and wanted to disappear. everyone started getting up and leaving and my friend kayla was like hey wuts wrong? and i just exploded. realizing i was crying and our group was leaving i tried brushing it off and we tried catching up to the rest of the group.
then after talking to some close friends and crying on their shoulders i just really felt like crap. i got on the bus and just sat there and stared out the window. then i got a call from my mom saying were gunna have to leave for virginia the next day as soon as my brother from omaha gets here and we would be gone for a week so i had to talk to my show choir coach because we were supposed to have a show choir competition the next saturday that i would be gone for. and then i had to change all my plans and stuff and i just felt so crappy. after i got home and ate something i felt a lil better but it was rough.
this week has been fun tho. im glad i went down there. i got to spend GREAT time with my cousins. especially frances. :) i love her to death! i wish she was my lil sister! haha
now im sitting here..wanting to just be home already..i missed a week of school and im gunna have a whole crapload to make up and i gotta reschedule important plans and catch up on everything and ugh....
and my parents are old and cant handle long trips so therefore we can just go straight home..we have to stop at a pretty crappy hotel and prolly not get any sleep anyways..and this hotel was WAY expensive..it was absolutely ridiculous..and my parents and my brother are getting on my nerves..FAST..
sigh...
help!
anyways...thanks for reading..idk how u can sit here and read this but thanks lol
<333
| | | | 64 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | Digging A Hole | | | Monday, February 18, 2008 (1:25 PM)
(I'm feeling depressed) | | So..i couldnt sleep last night..i was up till like 4am..which i kno to some ppl isnt bad but im only 17 and thankfully it wasnt a school night, we had today off. And i dont stay up that late usually because..well im in school..i cant do that to myself..i can get sick by doing that..
Anyways..so i was up really late last night..couldnt sleep..too much on my mind..
Have you ever got into a really bad habit..and you know its bad but at first you cant stop..and then you lie and you lie..you dig urself a deeper hole..and then theres sometimes where u feel like ur slowly getting out of that hole and u think ur good but then no ur just digging it deeper and deeper and you dont feel like u can get out so u just keep lying and lying..
I've been sort of a mess. At least I think ive been a mess..i've already talked to a friend about this and he doesnt think its all that bad..he's been a worse mess..but for me..this ISNT me...i've finally caught it and im trying to get out..
Don't get me wrong im not saying im not myself on LV..LV is like the only place i CAN be myself..and then theres certain ppl at school who kno the real me..
But i dont like putting on a face anymore..ive been doing it to certain ppl..ive been lying, hiding, digging a HUGE hole..and its gone too far..
I just cried and cried last night..
I feel like im tied up..caged in..
I wish i could say more..like exactly what ive been doing..but i cant..if you really wanna know..u can ask and i may tell u..just depends on who you are..
This just hit me really hard last night..and i kno what i need to do..its just hard..its for the best tho..i might hurt ppl doing it but..its what i have to do..
I'm gunna go and tell these ppl the truth..im gunna tell them how bad of a person i really truly am..whats really been on my mind..whats really going on in my world..
it might hurt..it might sting..
I just hope they forgive me..
please forgive me.. | | | | 110 Views | 8 Thumbs Up | 6 Comments | |
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