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| | DISAPOINTMENT | | | | Thursday, September 25, 2008 (10:12 PM) | | | Man, how did this happen? I can remember a time when my parents were proud of me. Too bad that was sixth grade graduation. My dad gave me the last present he would ever truly give me, a Bradlee's watch. We were poor but something was something and i loved that fucking thing. My parents had a fallout shortly after and seperated. My dad moved to florida to lay down the foundation for a new life for us and my mom just decided not to go after she said she would when he was ready to bring us over...instead she left him. To this day I still wonder how would of life turned out if we had gone. Now don't get me wrong my father was no saint no matter how many times he he hipocritcally went to church, but I don't know...I just wonder I guess. Any how I moved on to middle school, high school, and all the mean while with out changing my way of being. A smart kid (receiving one of the top 50 mcas english scores in the state of Massachusetts for the 2001 tenth grade) but alwasy chose to fuck around (skippin school, smoking weed, popping E, taking shrooms, and of corse working my way to alcohalism) because hangin' out and making others laugh made me feel cool and that's what it was about but as my "friends" moved on and I was left in the trenches i realized what the fuck am I doing? Now I'm only 22 so it's not to late but I look at my mom and I can't help but wanna cry. No longer does she look at me like when I was 12. I can see her disapoinment in me and...and it hurts. I am full of dreams but it's only 'cuz I'm sleeping through life and that self awareness should be enough to wake me up inside but no. I record music and put it on myspace and that's as far as my motivation takes me and only because I can do it from the comfort of my own home. I feel I dug a hole so deep I've incapacitated myself from being able to get out and even if I did then what...I mean really, do I get a job and waste my life 9-5in it or follow a music carrer, a dream that could be shattered and whynd up in an even deeper depression, or end it all and rest in peace. Shit, I don't know why I mention the third one you gotta have self esteem to care enough to kill your self. Me I'd rather just wither away or go insane and go out on a rampage...you know all or nuthin' but all said and done I guess I'm just disapointed in myself. I'm sorry Ma, I'm sorry Pa, and I'm sorry God. | | | 142 Views | 4  Thumbs Up | 2 Comments |  |
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| | ADDICTION | | | | Thursday, March 13, 2008 (11:26 PM) | | | I don't know about you but mine is alcohol. Everyone has an addiction but culture & society play a major role in it's taboo or acceptence. What's dreadfull to one may just be the perfect dream to another and I understand some addictionsgo as harsh as crack where it destroys the person but I also understand some are as quaint as a grandmother knitting for all her grandchildren (destroying their social lives) but I'm not one to say what's what except to each his own.Dark times are amoungst so drink a little or whatever to get by...just know you will have to open your fucking eyes because 5-10 years will have past before you know it and what you felt in your heart then is still here because we chose to ignore instead of rise above it. No matter what you belive or make others belive you can't fool me. I see you...you, for who you are and it is ok. We are ok. Amoungst many agonizing souls in this hellish purgatory like Earth looking for the unfindable. So what's your addiction? | | | | 179 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | BECOME YOUR OWN SAVIOR | | | | Thursday, March 13, 2008 (11:25 PM) | | Life in America...for most it is to be able to dream. A perfect life, a perfect job, a perfect family. The right to get your heart's desires. Day dreaming on the way to your dull & dreaded job, at your dull and dreaded job, & back home where you day dream some more. The problem with that is you've spent your whole life dreaming. You go from an ambitious 20 year old to a depressed, angry, and bitter 40 year old. You know what fuck that, that's bullshit...to tell the truth for most no matter what race, age and even the financial situation one might be in doesn't mean a GOD DAMN THING! Everyone's depressed and everyone feels deprived. You'd think that the richest country in the world would have more to show than chains of fast foods, walmarts, and liquor stores. Your average american is above average weight yet we hold a high model standerds, arragant & self absorbed but claim we're humble scheaming our way to the next fuck, and one hell of a God-like complex sleazing through life like their meant for more cuz your special. Oh, you can sing fuckyou so can my little sister, oh, you can write fuckyou so can your mom, and simply fuckyou because everyone has talent. It's all about getting lucky and using it at the right time. Huh...luck, that's what life comes down to, infinite coinsidences to get you we're you are, shit out of luck or full of it. Life has so many options for everyone yet nothing is ever good enough for any one. You made a made a bed of your own feeces and at the end of the day you refuse to lay in it. Even if this sparks some sort of enlightenment inside you, I mean honestly how long will it be "till you forget this & fall back into the same pattern of being bitter, sad, lonely, and not doing a damn thing about it. Oh, & popping pills or drinking and smoking yourself to death are not solutions. See just like your parents we're bitter you'll grow to be child's bitter parent and your child will grow to be someone's bitter parent & so on & so on. An endless cycle of fucked up people in this fucked up world with one difference...with every generation society degresses. I'm just glad none of us will be around for the final flush. So do yourself a favor...become your own savior.
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