Whats up yall havent been here in awhile to blog about ME. Lots going on but really the same ol'stuff. i have been staying out of trouble and working hard which is an accomplishment for me. Money problems are still a constant but I dont think that i am any worse offthan anybody else in the  USA.As you all know I have a new woman and we have been doing the dam thing lots!!  She hadnt had yada yada in four years she says, and i believe her. She has since developed a yeast infection that is probably due to her not having yada yada. I know that because my mother worked at planned parenthood at one time. As a matter of fact I know lots more than the average just because she worked there.been thinking about getting rid of my car but......  I am still thinking LMAO.My daughter graduated and will now be going to a private school where she better make us rich at because I have to help paying the bill. She already told me that she needs notebooks and paper. Folks it is the end not the beggining of the school year, so I know how serious this is to her. With that one statement she let me know that I better start taking more care!My nephew is a scateboard freak and he wants to come up here to do some scating at some park next week. I said okay and will possibly get him to bring my daughter from NY. I have some go cart tickets LOTS that they can have and go ride for free. My mood has been good with this new woman in my life and already she is saying that she is in love . SIGH thats okay i know how women are , they deal with more emotions than men so i just listen to her. she says thay she was really depressed from life and not having a man ,but now she says that everybody notices how happy she is OH BROTHER  why  do they love this devil son I will never know. OH AND GOOD NEWS I brought through auction two electric wheel chairs for my pops and 93 year old grandmother. I am happy about that because  my grandmother use to go to church alot an now she will be able to go more like she use to!! Even my pops is happy about the chairs. i wanted to do it because seeing them in the house all of the time when it is nice out just made me angry. I only paid 15.50 for each and they are in excellent condition  from lehigh county. So for a change I have nothing but good news. NOTE ABOUT MY EX WIFE she now does not want to give me divorce is refusing my mail at the post office in the poconos so it goes back or to limbo land MUST FIX THAT and she text me twice trying to seduce me sexually then tells me that I could VISIT MY OWN DOG if I wanted too. I told her to stop texting or I would  change my phone number and that she has everything she needs she does not need to see me. gonna post a recent pic of my daughter at graduation she is biiiiiggggg!!!

Recently  my ex wife got the stimulous money from income tax ,around the same time she called me and asked if I would help cover her car, the one with the blown engine that she wants to keep so she can put a new engine in it and  whatever.... like i said she called me and I said ok I would help . Then she  said I have the rest of your stuff to give you and that she was feeling a hella lot better since getting some money which she needed and she also got promoted ,she now has her own store. I got pissed off because she has kept all my stuff since this time and now she wants to give it back because she is feeling better. I say to her well since your giving my stuff back  can I please have my dog? she says no that I am keeping him . I say oh you are just going to give me all the stuff that you dont want and keep the rest like my half of the gov money and my dog. She says that I said she could have the money , and I say yes I did say that , but you also gave me a dog for my birthday and now your taking him back!! Fuck you I want my dog and my money !!! I will not help you with your car FUCK YOU!!!! I also told her to keep that stuff and stick it up her fucking azz. She says she didnt want it and will put it on the CURB  in front of the house!! I said you fucking bitch and went to retrieve my stuff off of the curb where she left it . The things I feel like doing to her are many, But i have  secrets that helps me emotionally. the one is my treatment ,and the other is this new woman that I am associating with . My treatment helps with direction in my actions and this new woman helps me to simply have fun and leave the bullshit behind. Ha take that you flucking prison guard of an ex wife!! I have a good pic of this new woman in my picture section the title of the pic is BIT. Also she took the money and the dog:(

My ex wife just called me crying about money! MY MONEY!!! I dont have much but i am doing better than her after break-up. Her job has cut her hours gas has gone up ETC. Anyhow she asked me for money to get through the week with as she gets paid evry two weeks and sometimes falls short of funds for gas. I used some of my own money to entertain my daughter this weekend ,and I did it on credit so that when the bank opens up in the morning tue I could deposit the credited funds back in and not get a bounce check fee because i deposited the money before 3;oo clk. Weel this woman has the nerve to send me pics of my dog  on my phone out of the blue last week to pull on my heart strings ( she knows I want my dog but wont let me have him ,and if I take him she will call the cops) Then call my phone telling me about how much of A mother fucker I am  for using my own money  that was promised to her for gas<< This shit ticks me off!! You first pull at my hear strings to try and get me to talk to you again ,then i am the same old mother fucker later. Nothings changed or calmed down, and I knew it and thats why I have been seing a new woman whos sex is better, and i am glad that I wasted no time in getting myself another woman . I am not in a relationship , this time it is just sex! No controling bitches around me anymore My girl is my car she is the only one who could get my last dollar. fucking nut azz bitches. Fuck em!!! She threw all of the credit card bills at me when we broke AZzz usual I am the bad guy again.

I believe what it means to be a man in definition depends on where you come from. Developement of men come from many experiences, pains  trials, happy times and children. I believe that to define a man is very difficult even with some thought at lengh. What it means to be a man for me though is strength. I have had to be strong all my life, in all of my experiences and feelings .The women I have had were very dominant in nature, which makes for a strong attitude toward them, and the kid I have I rarely get to see which causes pain for me, that again i have to be strong to endure. Everything in my life has been a struggle in some way with few happy times. I am more comfortable in war so to speak than I would be in any loving situation. All that said, what it is to be a man, what it means to be a man is strength,  power  endurance,  wealth, respect from others,  failers to rise from for wisdom, constant elevation to keep you sharp mentaly,  staying in shape physically. It is not all mental. The image of a man, what a man is is important too . It is okay to get and be grimey as long as you have the ability to get clean. Bums are not respected as men not seen as men, but  more of objects things in the way not even people.What it is to be a man has no definate definition only what you believe ,what people tell you ,how you feel about yourself. Oh someone could come along and say that you are wrong that it is more or less, but maybe those people have had more experience than you or less experience than you. What my therapist wants to hear is the word love. I feel love is necessary when it is necessary, but it was not in my make up while growing  up as it may have been for others. I do not  EXPERIENCE IT  THE WAY SOME OTHERS HAVE! I am not good with love, I am good with fighting,  hate,  destruction,   mental endurence as in bearing heavy traumatic loads. Love oozes off of me ,I  am almost immune  or should I say that I have been so hard ass for so long that meeting the right person who could and would endure my calusness is far gone. I have and will never have a role model for love I am who I am and I believe that the only developement left for me is how to think things through better not LOVE IN MY LIFE!!   OUT!!

Money me money me money me!! I need some mo money! I have got to find me a rich woman or a new hustle! lol. my pockets r like holy and i do mean blessed , because they bless everyone but me. Went to my group meeting tonight and had to pay my fee, the lady told me i owed them 252 I had a 50 in my hand I thought better and gave her another 50. lol. I dont want to owe these people after I am off of parole. now I owe 152 ,but this thursday I will go back up to 232 because I have to pay for my 1on 1 meeting with them. SIGH! OH well I will only be broke for 7 more months .got a phone call from my son to be ex wife and 3 minutes in we started to argue. It was about the dam dog! He has to get shots ........... MONEY! SIGH!

 i NEED SOME FOOT WEAR  i NEED TO SEE MY DAUGHTER I NEED TO BUY GROCERIES..... I need shit toooooooooo!!!!  I live for the next day it always is better . I have noticed that i have very few dreams   that I want ,and i literally have no dreams at night. I havent had a dream in god knows when wonder what that means I do continue to want to buy and sell gold but I dont have the money for that anymore ALL GONE SIGH!! i dont have anything to look forward to i need to meet a new woman leave the ex wife go and stop talking to her when she calls. I am worried about all of these bills .Need new glasses.this shit is funny I must be hysterical..........

Went out to see an old homey last night and we chilled, it was his birthday. I went and got him a birth certificate holder and a new wave digital clock that you can put all kinds of messages on,it is kind of slick. Dont you know that I was the only one to bring him a gift!! that was crazy. I am broke and still thought it would be right to bring a gift!!!
 Anyhow  I have been in the house all day long chilling and doing some working out. Played some computer golf, cleaned and dreading work tomorrow. I am like that, I dread work until I get there then I become a workaholic. Havent said one word out my mouth all day ,I know when I start talking my voice wil crack lol. I have 7 months and some days before I am off of parole forever!!! I try to imagine what I wil do where I will go . I have some ideas but nothing really solid . I only really have solid ideas about getting money when I am off of parole. i know I will be doing some traveling due to work, because the jobs I want will require me to get going!! Thats good I cannot wait to leave the state of PA fuck PA the entire state is a fucking prison!! All of the rules about my coming and going what i can do or cant do are way to stringent I need room to breath before this NEW WORLD ORDER KICKS IN ! meet me some different kind of people that might make me willing to mingle a bit more. How about europe!! just dissapear wow that would be good for me an alot of other people have that same idea they are just stuck! how about joining peace corps and seeing the land. Wow , moight get blown up with that idea lol......
 

The world is a cruel place and will be getting worse are you ready? After watching all of these videos on this live video channel I wonder if I am oh so wrong about being ANGRYMAN all of the time . I always said when the shit hits the fan who will they call? No one else but people like me to kick some fascist ass. I would enjoy every moment of it too. Then i would turn around and stick out my tounge to all of the people who said I should be good ,and calm down! What it is really about is some people would like me to be nice to them ,but others MAN THEY COULD GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF I WAS ANGRYMAN OR SWEETS!! I am really going through a tough time with this be good shit that I am hearing. I want to be it but I reallt take a hard look at LIFE ,and see nothing but dread LIFE IS NOT GOOD ONLY THE PEOPLE IN IT  Am i mixed up with that statement, are my feelings not real am i just imagining this ,have i been drinking to much milk!! what the fuck! I wanna just say fuck it  to my transition ,but I realize how good it would be to just make nice. I am literally like the fucking HULK .Dont make me angry!!!  SAD............

I went to my weekly meeting at F.T.S treament ,and the lady I see there told me that I have to get out more because i dont. I usually stay in the house and avoid people when i can but decieded to take her advice and called up a homey i know that i have not seen in awhile. We hung out with some other people and it was good but being that i dont usually do that some of the topics that were talked about really bothered me i had a nice time but was uncomfortable .Also that same night while driving all of the people i was with to the store i got pulled over by the cops. i drive a chrysler pacifica so we could all fit . Anyhoo I had a headlight that was out and got pulled over . the cop gave me a warning with some ticket that i must honor or recieve another costly ticket for not getting the headlight fixed within 5 days. Like i said it was nice to be out but it was not my scene I really dont like dealing with people on no terms or their own terms ,i am all out of sorts then so i stay away( eff puctuation,capitalization lol) soon to be ex wife called me and said that the washing machine was leaking at the house so i went up to check on it. Turns out some seal is worn out and leaks . We went to buy a new 1 but she wanted to fix the 1 she has , says its only 4 years old . Me, i say dump it . The only thing though is i would be the 1 paying for something that i will never use . Oh well i was willing, she said no . Off we went to walk the dogs who have not seen me in weeks ,then to BJs to get some gas and food . After that it went down hill! she said some things to me that upset me and it was time for me to go,and those steaks that we brought at BJs ,well i never smelled them...........

Decieded to get a divorce the other day, my wife and I have been having problems, mostly about money. Bills, bills, bills but I dont really care ! I think that when I have it they will get it, and when I dont, if I feel like eating steak then I am allowed to eat steak ,and not give it to someone else to eat steak with!!! She panics and makes  some big deal out of these things and then all of the other arguments raise their ugly heads. So now,lol I have ALL of the bills she has decieded not to pay anything and stuck me with everything.What do I do? I smile and say okay,then kick rocks !! life takes you to some curiously funny places in feelings and tangables I want to go to them!

My anger has caused alot of things in my character to be different than most,and I do not mean different as in types of zodiac signs.I mean really big differences . take for example the fact that I have never loved another human .I have had relationships ,but never ever have I enjoyed another person to the point that it is hard for me to leave them or ,that I would have some type of hang up about splitting. Another extreme is ,I enjoy violence ! I enjoy the rush of it ! I enjoy the power!I enjoy the pain ,but yet I am no killer! I have never carried a gun in my life,but on the other hand I have carried a knife. I write this blog for several reasons ,They change on any given day. The first and most important reason is that I would ENJOY being like YOU,and having more calm feelings and not get upset so quick,I would love to love some one ......... with passion ,would love to get a job that i like etc