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| | " Why women are smarter than men " (How to change your car oil) | | | Thursday, July 30, 2009 (6:19 PM)
(I'm feeling crazy) | | Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Lube Shop when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
Money spent - Oil Change: $20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total: $21.00 ==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy
a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car...
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you
in process. Cuss...
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and
arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through
oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter
among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
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| | | 51 Views | 4  Thumbs Up | 2 Comments |  |
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| | Computer Programs for woman ! | | | Monday, November 10, 2008 (1:23 PM)
(I'm feeling crazy) | | INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck Babe!
| | | | 106 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 5 Comments | |
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| | BEER ! | | | Friday, September 12, 2008 (6:33 AM)
(I'm feeling crazy) | | SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. | | | | 153 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | Laugh Away ! | | | Monday, April 7, 2008 (7:38 PM)
(I'm feeling crazy) | | A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.
EXAMPLES
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS :
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
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THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF
WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
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WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
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WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
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WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
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| | | | 238 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | A dumb husband ! | | | Thursday, April 3, 2008 (4:37 PM)
(I'm feeling crazy) | | A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined; no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room.
'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure... maybe she choked'.
| | | | 247 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | LETS OFFEND EVERYONE ! | | | Monday, March 17, 2008 (9:52 PM)
(I'm feeling crazy) | |
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q . What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
Q. What does a Polish woman get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
A. A new last name.
| | | | 234 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | MY FUTURE LIFE ! | | | Monday, March 17, 2008 (9:26 PM)
(I'm feeling crazy) | |
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day
you work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready ;for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
| | | | 222 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Important, medical announcement !! | | | Saturday, March 15, 2008 (9:59 PM)
(I'm feeling crazy) | | Subject: Fw: Pfizer Announcement
Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2007 10:53:07 -0700
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO. | | | | 221 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | Blonde Ice Fishing | | | Friday, March 14, 2008 (10:41 AM)
(I'm feeling awake) | | A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in
the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the
voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The
voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"
| | | | 234 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 7 Comments | |
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