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| | (Good One) Vatican Humor? lol | | | | Sunday, September 20, 2009 (4:52 AM) | | After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
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| | what goes around . comes around true story | | | | Thursday, September 3, 2009 (4:45 AM) | | His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'
'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.
'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.
'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
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| | SWINE FLU FACTS | | | | Monday, August 31, 2009 (4:38 AM) | | Let's use some common sense to look at the Swine Flu Facts not what the media has or has not told you and the hype they have created. To date the Swine Flu has killed 230 people in the U.S. and the World Health Organization(WHO) has declared this a pandemic situation, a Level 6, which is the highest possible level. Every year the regular flu supposedly kills between 30,000 to 50,000 people, an average of 82 to 137 people per day. The swine flu has killed in 4 months about the same amount of people as the regular flu kills in 2-3 days. The CDC (Center of Disease Control) are realizing that people are discovering that their numbers just don't add up so the CDC is not publishing the infected number of cases any more. The number of people that did die from the swine flu had multiple other health problems. Why has the WHO put us at the highest pandemic level 6?
In 1976 they tried the same hype and tried to vaccinate as many people as possible. More people died of the vaccine then died of the swine flu and they had to discontinue the hype. So many laws have been changed now, thanks to our governments. In a level 6 pandemic (like we're for some reason in now) drug companies cannot be held liable for any side effects or deaths that the vaccines may cause.
The swine flu vaccine this fall will be very dangerous, both short and long term. They have only tested the vaccine on a very small and limited basis (why bother - the government has already excused them from all liability). The swine flu has also been proven to be man made and weaponized. Scientists say that it's impossible for the bird,swine and human flu to have all just mixed together. Here's just a few articles, audio and video clips written about this scam.
http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=14869
People are dying from the vaccines already but they don"t talk about that on TV.
http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=14787
1/3 of British nurses are refusing to take the swine vaccine
http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=14828
Millions of times more Squalene in H1N1 vaccine than the amount given to the U.S. soldiers to cause the Gulf War Syndrome.
http://www.rense.com/general87/mill.htm
URGENT - H1N1 Vaccine Patent Filed (2007) Long Before the Swine Flue Virus Was Spread!
by Walter Burien
08/20/09
http://cafr1.com/H1N1.html
Remember that 4 major corporations own 95% of the media and control what you get to see on your TV in the U.S. and Canada.
If you were to lazy to read the articles above at least watch this short video clip of how the drug company Bayer knowing put the HIV virus in thousands of vaccines. You never seen this on TV here either.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcFDOWIl7Nw
Baxter purposely put live Bird Flu virus in vaccines and shipped the vaccines just recently, but the batch was stopped when a secondary screening company luckily did a random test on some ferrets. It killed all of them.
Well respected Dr. Leonard Horowitz explains exactly what is happening *MUST WATCH*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-FFobqCZzs&feature=related
Dr. Rima Laibow"s interview tells the truth and is the most shocking-MUST LISTEN
FREE MP3 Download
Dr. Rima Laibow, MD
Swine Flu Vaccine Danger!
How about The Georgia Guide Stones that the worlds so called "Elite" put up in 1979. They state they want the worlds population at 500 million in the first sentence. Google them, there even recognized by Wikipedia. The first line on the massive stones reads Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature. That"s a 90% reduction from our current 6.5 billion.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgia_Guidestones
There is alot of talk about this vaccine becoming mandatory this fall with much more hype from the media. Still do not take it. If your employment is at risk make the doctor or healthcare worker that gives your shot sign this legal document. They will not.
Physician's Warranty of Vaccine Safety
I (Physician's name, degree)_________________________, _____ am a physician licensed to practice medicine in the Province of ________________. My Provincial license number is _______________ , and my CPSO number is _______________. My medical specialty is ________________________
I have a thorough understanding of the risks and benefits of all the medications that I prescribe for or administer to my patients. In the case of (Patient's name) ___________________________ , age _________ , whom I have examined, I find that certain risk factors exist that justify the recommended vaccinations. The following is a list of said risk factors and the vaccinations that will protect against them:
Risk Factor ____________________________________________
Vaccination ___________________________________________
Risk Factor ____________________________________________
Vaccination ___________________________________________
Risk Factor ____________________________________________
Vaccination ___________________________________________
Risk Factor ____________________________________________
Vaccination ___________________________________________
Risk Factor ____________________________________________
Vaccination ___________________________________________
Risk Factor ____________________________________________
Vaccination ___________________________________________
I am aware that vaccines typically contain many of the following fillers:
* aluminum hydroxide
* aluminum phosphate
* ammonium sulfate
* amphotericin B
* animal tissues: pig blood, horse blood, rabbit brain,
* dog kidney, monkey kidney,
* chick embryo, chicken egg, duck egg
* calf (bovine) serum
* betapropiolactone
* fetal bovine serum
* formaldehyde
* formalin
* gelatin
* glycerol
* human diploid cells (originating from human aborted fetal tissue)
* hydrolized gelatin
* mercury thimerosol (thimerosal, Merthiolate(r))
* monosodium glutamate (MSG)
* neomycin
* neomycin sulfate
* phenol red indicator
* phenoxyethanol (antifreeze)
* potassium diphosphate
* potassium monophosphate
* polymyxin B
* polysorbate 20
* polysorbate 80
* porcine (pig) pancreatic hydrolysate of casein
* residual MRC5 proteins
* sorbitol
* tri(n)butylphosphate,
* VERO cells, a continuous line of monkey kidney cells, and
* washed sheep red blood
and, hereby, warrant that these ingredients are safe for injection into the body of my patient. I have researched reports to the contrary, such as reports that mercury thimerosol causes severe neurological and immunological damage, and find that they are not credible.
I am aware that some vaccines have been found to have been contaminated with Simian Virus 40 (SV 40) and that SV 40 is causally linked by some researchers to non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and mesotheliomas in humans as well as in experimental animals. I hereby warrant that the vaccines I employ in my practice do not contain SV 40 or any other live viruses. (Alternately, I hereby warrant that said SV-40 virus or other viruses pose no substantive risk to my patient.)
I hereby warrant that the vaccines I am recommending for the care of (Patient's name) _______________ _______________________ do not contain any tissue from aborted human babies (also known as "fetuses").
In order to protect my patient's well being, I have taken the following steps to guarantee that the vaccines I will use will contain no damaging contaminants.
STEPS TAKEN: ______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
I have personally investigated the reports made to the VAERS (Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System) and state that it is my professional opinion that the vaccines I am recommending are safe for administration to a child under the age of 5 years.
The bases for my opinion are itemized on Exhibit A, attached hereto, -- "Physician's Bases for Professional Opinion of Vaccine Safety." (Please itemize each recommended vaccine separately along with the bases for arriving at the conclusion that the vaccine is safe for administration to a child under the age of 5 years.)
The professional journal articles I have relied upon in the issuance of this Physician's Warranty of Vaccine Safety are itemized on Exhibit B , attached hereto, -- "Scientific Articles in Support of Physician's Warranty of Vaccine Safety."
The professional journal articles that I have read which contain opinions adverse to my opinion are itemized on Exhibit C , attached hereto, -- "Scientific Articles Contrary to Physician's Opinion of Vaccine Safety"
The reasons for my determining that the articles in Exhibit C were invalid are delineated in Attachment D , attached hereto, -- "Physician's Reasons for Determining the Invalidity of Adverse Scientific Opinions."
Hepatitis B
I understand that 60 percent of patients who are vaccinated for Hepatitis B will lose detectable antibodies to Hepatitis B within 12 years. I understand that in 1996 only 54 cases of Hepatitis B were reported to the CDC in the 0-1 year age group. I understand that in the VAERS, there were 1,080 total reports of adverse reactions from Hepatitis B vaccine in 1996 in the 0-1 year age group, with 47 deaths reported.
I understand that 50 percent of patients who contract Hepatitis B develop no symptoms after exposure. I understand that 30 percent will develop only flu-like symptoms and will have lifetime immunity. I understand that 20 percent will develop the symptoms of the disease, but that 95 percent will fully recover and have lifetime immunity.
I understand that 5 percent of the patients who are exposed to Hepatitis B will become chronic carriers of the disease. I understand that 75 percent of the chronic carriers will live with an asymptomatic infection and that only 25 percent of the chronic carriers will develop chronic liver disease or liver cancer, 10-30 years after the acute infection. The following scientific studies have been performed to demonstrate the safety of the Hepatitis B vaccine in children under the age of 5 years.
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
In addition to the recommended vaccinations as protections against the above cited risk factors, I have recommended other non-vaccine measures to protect the health of my patient and have enumerated said non-vaccine measures on Exhibit D , attached hereto, "Non-vaccine Measures to Protect Against Risk Factors" I am issuing this Physician's Warranty of Vaccine Safety in my professional capacity as the attending physician to (Patient's name) ________________________________. Regardless of the legal entity under which I normally practice medicine, I am issuing this statement in both my business and individual capacities and hereby waive any statutory, Common Law, Constitutional, UCC, international treaty, and any other legal immunities from liability lawsuits in the instant case. I issue this document of my own free will after consultation with competent legal counsel whose name is _____________________________, an attorney admitted to the Bar in the State of __________________ .
__________________________________ (Name of Attending Physician)
__________________________________ L.S. (Signature of Attending Physician)
Signed on this _______ day of ______________ A.D. ________
Witness: _______________________________ Date: _____________________
Notary Public: ___________________________Date: ______________________
Here are Vaccine Exemption Forms for Canada for children for school.
http://www.vaclib.org/exempt/canada.htm
You now have the real information. If you still take the Swine Flu shot because some nice guy in a nice suit on TV told you too, that"s your choice.
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| | saskie drunk | | | | Wednesday, August 26, 2009 (4:24 AM) | | Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Estevan, Saskatchewan ..
After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.
Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.
He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to
his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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| | you gotta love drunk ppl lmao | | | Saturday, May 9, 2009 (6:02 AM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
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| | MIRROR OR 2-WAY GLASS ??? | | | | Sunday, May 3, 2009 (4:20 AM) | | I DID NOT KNOW THIS!! DID YOU??>Mirror or two way glass????? YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S WATCHING OR
>WHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can you tell when you are in a room, restroom, >motel etc. with a mirror or a 2-way glass? Here's how: I thought it was >quite interesting! And I know in about 30 seconds you're going do what I >did and find the nearest mirror.... Do you know how to determine if a >mirror is 2-way or not? This is not to scare you, but to make you aware. >A policewoman, who travels all over the U.S. and gives seminars and >techniques for businesswomen, passed this on. When we visit toilets, >bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., how many of you know for sure >that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or >actually a 2-way mirror (i.e., they can see you, but you can't see them)? >There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in female >changing rooms. It is very difficult to positively identify the surface by >just looking at it. So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty >what type of mirror we are looking at? Just conduct this simple test: >Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if >there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then it >is a GENUINE mirror. However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the >image of your nail, then BEWARE, FOR IT IS a 2-WAY MIRROR! "No Space, >Leave the Place" So remember, every time you see a Mirror, do the >"fingernail test." It doesn't cost you anything. Remember: "No Space, >Leave the Place" Ladies: Share this with your girlfriends, sisters, >daughters, etc. | | | | 275 Views | 12 Thumbs Up | 9 Comments | |
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| | true story must read | | | | Friday, April 17, 2009 (5:14 AM) | | Violinist in the Metro
A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk. A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any other recognition of the performance. No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the premier violinists in the world. He had played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a Stradivarius violin worth 3.5 million dollars. Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theatre in Boston and the seats averaged $100.
This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by a reporter at the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines of the task given to Bell were as follows: he was to play in cognito in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour. The episode was filmed and the reporter's report of the event won him the Pulitzer prize: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing some of the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?
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| | lol joke | | | | Friday, April 17, 2009 (5:12 AM) | | A man is stumbling along through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher who turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of the booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replied the drunk so the preacher grabs him and dunks him
under the water. He pulls him up and asks him "Brother have you found Jesus?"
"No I haven't" says the drunk. The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him in the water again, but for a little bit longer than the first time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk answers, "No I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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| | rated R joke | | | Friday, April 17, 2009 (5:10 AM)
(I'm feeling happy) | | Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
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| | my bail is $755.00 LMAO | | | Tuesday, April 14, 2009 (4:05 AM)
(I'm feeling curious) | | Just read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each 'offense' and added up your total fine. Title your note 'My Bail is $........' You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
1) Smoked pot -- $10
2) Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk --$50
3) Cheated on your significant other -- $10
4) Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
5) Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
6) Went streaking -- $5
7) Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
8) Kissed a co-worker-- $ 20
9) Kissed your boss --$50
10) Been arrested -- $5
11) Spent time in jail -- $15
12) Peed in the pool -- $0.50
13) Played spin the bottle -- $5
14) Done something you regret -- $20
15) Slept with your best friend >-- $20
16) Been in love with a stripper -- $20
17) Went skinny dipping -- $5
18) Been slapped-- $5
19) Slapped someone-- $5
20) Beat up someone -- $20
21) Been jumped -- $10
22) Ever had sex at church -- $25
23) Dated someone you met on My Space -- $25
24) Cheated on test -- $50
25) Vandalized something -- $20
26) Slept with someone in your parents' bed -- $100
27) Crossed dressed -- $10
28) Given money to stripper -- $25
29) Flirted with an officer to get out of a ticket-- $30
30) DUPLICATE QUESTION
31) Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10
32) Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15
33) Ever drive drunk -- $20
34) Used toys while having sex -- $30
35) Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
36) Had sex in a pool -- $20
37) Masturbated -- $10
38) Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20
39) Done oral -- $5
40) Got oral -- $5
41) Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25
42) Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40
43) Stole something -- $10
44) Slept with someone who has been in jail -- $25
45) Made a dirty home video -- $15
46) Plan on making a dirty home video in the near future --$30
47) Had a threesome -- $50
48) Had sex in a public place-- $20
49) Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
50) Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars --$20
51) Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
52) Kissed a teacher while you were still a student--$25
53) Lied to your mate -- $5
54) Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
OK, now tally up your answers, then, copy and paste this into your own note. In the title put 'My Bail Is... (your total)' Now tag all of the people you want
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