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| | Jesus, Jessi, and the Jones' | | | | Wednesday, March 18, 2009 (9:50 PM) | | |
Fuck me, I always read the previous blog before attempting another post and I realize how rather UNdiligent i have been at keeping this thing current. So it goes for most of my new years resolutions i guess, but i am trying to write on a more regular basis.. just not here. Jordan gave me an awesome journal for jesus' birthday that i should be replacing the other one with. What with my memories from a former 'life' all locked up in it, its like staring into the sun.. yep it still hurts, but i still do it... its like the sorrowfully sour sunday morning stomach and crushing headache that await at the gate of every hollywood weekend to collect your tickets, like some sick carnival ride in reverse. cant explain it. im a glutton for punishment. ahhhhhhhhh...hhh and where is jesus when we need him eh! Things are shit, keep gettin shittier, and all you get is a 'keep the faith brother'. bullshit..i want answers. my heart is telling me that it doesnt matter what you believe as long as you treat others the way you wish to be treated, or better. my brain tells me that it cant be that easy, and my ass just keeps writing checks that my mouth cant cash. that sounded a lot better in my head, not written out..oh well. Anyways I do these things for other people in hopes of some kind of compensation, but i never ask for it. I dont know why..i should right?? I guess i figure it will work itself out ya know. Im finding that is not often the case. I am writing songs again after a long hiatus and it feels really good. its hard out here to get your head out of the status shit. When you live next door to people that dont even blink at a diner bill the size of your rent check, its eye opening. I just forgot that really i dont give a fuck how much i am or you are making or driving as long as i am writing music that i love and playing it for people who love it as well... oh hang on, Jessi is instant messaging me....wow. i wasnt planning on having that conversation rite now. Sometimes when my mouth gets going, or fingers for this particular instance, i get lost in the emotion of what i am saying and just let it out. Prolly not the best timing in the world, but god damn i am one poetic son of a bitch!.. if i do say so myself.. and i just did. At any rate I feel as though the time has come for me to return to my roots and rediscover my drive and creativity. I did try to enroll in school out here, but its pretty damn expensive and im hurtin for cosigners at the moment. I am still going to try and go, just not rite now. I have had some of the best times in my life out here and i think its where i belong, but maybe not at this juncture. Dont know quite yet where im gonna end up... never really did for that matter, but ill let you know when i decide.
hoping all is well with you, | | | 44 Views | 0  Thumbs Up | 0 Comments |  |
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| | the AM | | | | Wednesday, March 18, 2009 (9:49 PM) | | |
Its 8:30 on a monday in January. I am awake and contemplating the chore sleep has become. A brief update of sorts is in order i believe. The holidays have swept through like a creeping cold crush of emotions..like they always do..never enough time it seems. I was fortunate enough to catch a fleeting glimpse of the fam and friends back in the mitten, also managed to wring out a pretty amazing new years festivus. Jus want to thank everyone who made it all possible again. The rides, a drink, a friends handshake, the veiled embrace.. made leaving the past three hundred and sixty days or so behind a much more palatable transition. Im going to start making a more valiant effort at looking ahead, eyes forward in this our new year. Ive been living in this flux for too long.. ghost vision and vampiric tendencies have gotten the best of me i feel. I think i set out on this journey through the various stages of 'the twenties' with something to prove..and now im not sure who i was proving it to.. or just what the something was to begin with. The journal, the songs.. im trying to pick through which ones are actually for me, and its a short list so far. What are we doing here? what am i doing here? Its thirteen miles or so outside Barstow on a saturday when these questions hit me hard. Im standing in a cue, approximately twenty people long, none of which speak english it seems, for the one operational restroom at a gas station that doesnt sell gas. The clock ticks about thirty minutes, i engage in conversation with the one peculiar looking american in the entire establishment, the usual witty banter of sub-par tattooed intellectual young american males ensues for ten minutes or so before he decides to shove off and "piss in an empty bottle" presumably in his car. Alone again and barraged by the back and forth spanish chatter that seems to swell to a roar and then dissipate like the rhythm of the ocean, i am left with my thoughts.. that are soon over powered by the oder of said restroom obviously void of anything resembling 'upkeep'. The human body amazes me.. almost as much as the human condition. I mean, after all our rambling nonsense decadence we are just animals. and animals are full of shit. shit that has to go somewhere. preferably not splattered Pollock-esk across the walls of a non-gas gas station in the middle of a desert, which upon making visual contact with i arrived at the decision that this would not be where my shit would end up. I held tight and we pressed the accelerator for Barstow before the mob propositioned Rich to smuggle anyone over the border. A short jog through the check point and few kegel exercises later we were on to greener pastures. Ive never greeted a scummy unattended gas station restroom with such elation. I proudly gave the battle cry of the trip and called it a day. little to my knowledge the feeling about the previous rest stop was contagious and thus a rather large line had accumulated outside the door, but its moments like these where a little eye contact, a shrug of the shoulders, and a smirk come in handy. After all, im quite sure that bathroom has heard its fair share of far worse noises. If anyone has a funny restroom story, feel free to respond. And once again my new years resolution is to post this journal/blog thing with more diligence, so thanks for reading and all that. May this new year bring you everything you desire and more..even if its just a clean place to leave your crap.
a | | | | 41 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | blow out your candles darling | | | | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 (1:43 AM) | | | Tuesday, December 09, 2008
blow out your candles darling
Current mood: making wishes
8/19/04
Moths are stupid right.? Whirling around, crashed into lights..Yet i have this thought some nights.. What if they are not stupid.? What if they are the most virtuous and passionate creatures in our world, Not blinded by light and thus crashed into glass, but immersed in light's beauty.. fall in love and alas..they are willing to pay it forward. Their little lives ultimate price. They give themselves wiling to loves sacrifice.. if the moth could succeed its task, and survive. The shards of glass cascading down kissing the pavement like tears, light released from its captivity would soon disappear. The moth will not stand idly by and watch its love flicker and die, this i am seeing in my own eyes. Approaching lights last embers with all of its self to give.. this stupid moth lays down with her, only to burn..so that light may live.
*wish | | | | 56 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | Bleach Volleyball | | | | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 (1:42 AM) | | | Sunday, November 30, 2008
Bleach Volleyball
crap... im spinning into the wall at a hundred and eighty. shes roaring and spitting rpms like an ocean of sound. the frame is my friends and it has soft spots these days. the tires are what i write to you and they are worn thin with miles of script. headlong hurling through wet morning blades of grass. the moisture kisses my cheek and i am embracing this split second of serenity. i might not make it through this one alive... but im kicking my foot off the clutch and giving her hell the whole way.
...im staying in LA
a | | | | 55 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | internal debating | | | Tuesday, December 16, 2008 (1:41 AM)
(I'm feeling contemplative) | | | Monday, November 24, 2008
Internal debating
Current mood: contemplative
I am laying here in this house that i love, in this town that i love living in, with great friends all around, and yet still thinking, or missing rather, everything i have left behind. There is so much i have still yet to accomplish here, but i am thinking seriously of taking a couple months and making some things right that have been wrong for far too long now and chewing on my insides. I dont know how when or where this debate in my brains will come to a conclusion and action will be taken, but im hoping very soon. I havnt been able to work on anything very passionately in a while now and think this congress of thoughts and memories churning around in my head like ferris wheels is the reason. I will do my best to relay my intentions through this blog, but not sure how impulsive or sporadic my decision to stay here, or san francisco, or grand rapids, or vail, or denver will be. I will know when i know i guess..
Currently listening :
Until There's Nothing Left of Us
By Kill Hannah
Release date: 2006-08-01 | | | | 56 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Baracktober | | | Wednesday, November 5, 2008 (7:13 PM)
(I'm feeling accomplished) | | | History in the making... I wonder when people say that if they actually understand what they are saying. Everything is technically history in the making. Every second that passes is part of that history, and we all get our own little history that follows us around and accumulates in our minds like drops of rain in an ocean of memories, but when the saying is applied to an event so powerful that it effects all of our little histories and in such a way that we have to step back and realize its effect on everyone around us i find this phrase to be obsolete. I think such events cross and blur that line where our past meets our present and future. I think that its safe to say instead of looking back on the horrible mess that is the past eight years and beyond of this country, we can look at the now. More importantly we can look at the future again..dream again, make the changes we need so badly. We can let go of the immature, petty, incompetent, arrogance that shrouds the american ideals. We can stand together and treat our neighbors as we wish to be treated, and dream together. With some hard work and help form eachother we will reach those dreams and we will reach them together. I want to live in a country like that. I want to live in a world like that. I hope you do to. I truely hope and believe we are strong enough and can be smart enough to let go of the petty bullshit, and open our eyes again to how great life on this little rock hurling around the universe at sixty-seven thousand miles per hour can be...will be, if we choose to make it so. I noticed something last night whilst watching the election coverage that made me realize why i think im a democrat. You can check out the footage im sure on youtube or where ever and see for yourself. Watching McCain speak to his crowd of republican supporters and assure them that things were going to be ok even though he lost and how proud he was to have run the race against Obama, i noticed as soon as he said Obama this crowd of ignorant, disrespectful morons Boooo'd like they do at wrestling matches or their beloved monster truck rallies. Boooo'd to the point where Mccain had to stop speaking and hold a hand out telling them to stop so he could go on. Like children incapable of understanding what it is to lose with grace and dignity. Later, I watched with wonder as Obama delivered a very eloquent victory speech with a very gracious thankyou to Mccain for a race well run... but wait.. No ones Booooing. No, instead in this huge crowd about four or five times the crowd that Mccain had at his rally not one fucking Boooo could be heard! What did we hear instead?? Thats right, applause, gracious applause and respect for the man who was rival mere hours ago. THATS the big difference, and until republicans wake the fuck up and grow the fuck up they will never do anything good for this country. They will remain a part of the problem here, because if your not part of the solution then you are part of the problem. The solution to bigotry and hatred is respect and grace. The solution to ignorance and hypocrisy is acceptance and honesty, and the solution to violence and fear is compassion and hope. Have hope, and lets make change more than just a slogan.
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