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| | Another one of my rants on “time” | | | | Tuesday, November 24, 2009 (9:37 PM) | | "Time… I don’t have it. I try to keep all of my to do’s and to don’ts in check and in order but nothing seems to work.
As you probably know. I had a stroke a month and a week ago. It prevented me from being able to perform or work on my online projects updating my sites and all of the normal work I generally have to do for nearly 3 weeks. This is mainly due to the fact that I was in the hospital for over a week and couldn’t read a lick for two weeks.
Someone eventually brought my net-book to the hospital for me to try to check my emails which by that point were backed up worse than I have ever seen them. ( I generally get about 300-400 emails a day. They range from business folks, affiliates, members, fans and some of these emails are well disguised spam which has to be waded through to determine which is which…)
When I first got my sick little hands on my tiny net-book I was so infuriated at the fact that I couldn’t understand ANY of my emails or ANY of my instant messages. My Doctor said I shouldn’t worry about it and that I should try to take it easy until the first of the new year. But I just can’t do things like that. I have to push my limits..."
You can see the rest of this blog entry by going to my free blog here:
http://www.artschoolslut.com
You can see some other pretty cool stuff there as well!
Thanks for reading! | | | 15 Views | 0  Thumbs Up | 0 Comments |  |
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| | New Blog... | | | | Friday, July 24, 2009 (4:11 PM) | | Love it or hate it, I am making my main blog:
http://www.artschoolslut.com/
You should bookmark it and read it, watch the videos on it, listen to the audio posts and make comments.
Why? Because I love you. Plus it just got a face lift this week and I have been posting up a storm...
Go.
Do it.
NOW! | | | | 31 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | I smell like piss | | | | Monday, July 13, 2009 (7:13 PM) | | I really need to write more like I used to. It kept me thinking clearly and gave me a chance to look at the things that were bothering me as well as the projects I have done well on. So I need to write more for reflection on not only my personal life but my business life as well!
I just put in the movie Moulin Rouge. I have only seen this once about 6 years ago and I have owned the movie for two or three years as my ex girlfriend Leslie bought it for me as a gift. I assume she thought I would love it because of my appreciation for the cabaret and burlesque.
The movie has some pretty neat imagery but I remember hating the way they incorporated modern music into the score. I realize this isn't a traditional musical but that really fucked it up for me.
I'll see what I think of it now as an adult...
I'm an adult now and that cracks me up. I have no idea how people (and I guess by “people” I mean my Grandmother) allow me to live on my own. I am like a 5 year old running amok AND living with three unruly cats and one very energetic dog. I can't cook or better yet I am too lazy to cook, have anxieties so thick I can't leave the house at some points for days at a time, and I only talk to other characters of myself along with you know my animals that each have a voice and pitch of their own that I have to act out for them... Basically I am a toddler that's being allowed to live on her own.
Sometimes this worries me. Like when will the masses start realizing that I am a child stuck in an adults body and why is it that when I was a child I felt like an adult stuck in a child's body? Why has this reality flipped on me?
Lately I have been thinking about dance. I wish I had a studio apartment so I could live out my dreams of dancing whenever I feel that it's necessary. I had a small window at getting my dream and dancing with burlesque troupe in town. One I was apart of awhile back but they declined at adding me to their entourage just recently.
I have considered starting my own dance/performance art troupe however there are a TON of reasons why I don't make a go at this.
1.It would automatically be considered a rival at the troupe I was once apart of and failed to regain access to. This would be highly um undesired. If anything I would have liked to have worked with them and built up the art community here.
2.There were very few people that auditioned for them when they held tryouts which leads me to believe there just aren't enough people left in the area that would be interested in participating in something like this with me.
3.I could easily become apart of something that's already established but I really don't have the time or space in my schedule to start something up on my own and be fully responsible for.
4.And finally I have NO ROOM at my newer apartment for any practicing. I have no idea how I would find a spot to practice or perform in/at. I'm not the best with people, you know:)
So that's out but I obviously have considered it cause it's something that would my my little heart pant with joy and delight. It's just sadly totally unreasonable.
I need something new though. I have so many work/online projects that I am constantly busy with. But I need something totally unrelated and creative that I don't have to consider it's marketability or anything like that to work on. Does that make sense? | | | | 34 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | What do you think of this dream? | | | | Sunday, July 12, 2009 (2:02 PM) | | I am making myself get up out of bed to type this one out... I have had quite a lot of strange and epic dreams lately about people I know that have been providing me strange insight into what is going on behind the scenes in their lives. So last night (or this morning, as I fell asleep around maybe 6am?) I decided to start recording my dreams again in some type of way whether recording them in a book or on a tape and keeping a way to record these dreams beside me or near me in some way that would/will be easy to convince myself to get up and write these ideas down.
Somewhat recently I received an email from some stranger who says he goes by the handle of “seerinc” on many of the sites he has run across me on. This name seems vaguely familiar but I can't think of what specific instances I may have actually spoke to him in. He goes onto say he has some what of a psychic ability and had a strange dream about me and my grandmother and was warning me to cherish my time with her.
I really just put this email out of my mind deciding that the illustration of her that he described in his dream couldn't be her and I even spoke to her about it. I responded to his email saying that it couldn't be her, halfway expecting another email back offering his services to investigate further for some fee I wouldn't cough up and that would be the end of it. Well no such email came... Maybe he forgot about me?
I will now try as best I can to recall the dream I had last night in some type of linear fashion that will be easy enough for anyone to follow because it corresponds with the email he sent me and obviously because of this dream being frightening as hell for me.
So at the very beginning...
My Grandma “Patsy” announced to the family that she will be giving up her partial residence here in the world and taking up full residence in the after-death/under world because her mother is finally ready for her there. (My great grandma is dead and has been for... 16 years and right after she passed I remember Patsy having a hell of a time with it.) In the dream Patsy didn't seem surprised or saddened about leaving this world as apparently she had been visiting the underworld for some time and even had an apartment there she would stay at during her visits.
So in an effort to change her mind and possibly talk to my Great Grandmother and perhaps talk her out of this as I need Patsy here... I followed her one day to the underworld. This would be her last trip there I learned as I arrived and she wouldn't be coming back and the dream shifted to other subjects...
So in following her I was in a hospital and saw she was taking an elevator to the basement and thus did the same and caught up with her as she was turning a corner down a hallway. There past the turn were two doors both leading to the underworld. She entered them and I followed. She was welcomed by many people that had grown to know her there after her many visits. At the other side of the doors were a bunch of “inbetweeners” that to me were mainly represented my drug addicts or those “living on the edge”. Basically they were people that could go either way at anytime yet for some reason decided that being closer to death was worth it to do what they did to end up there in the first place.
This is where I learned that the longer a person was there the more life energy that would deplete from them and if their energy was allowed to fall low enough would trap them there killing their physical body in the “real world”. I saw a girl there near the doors and made up a story about how I was there to see a friend that may live in her neighborhood and I even made up a name. She said she knew this person and asked me some questions about her and I made up some sad story about her being the homecoming queen. So we started our journey through the underworld to find this person. I kept seeing glimpses of Patsy in different places and having flashbacks to my Great Grandmother's funeral during this time. But Patsy seemed to not notice me being wrapped up in the next step of her existence and my purpose slowly faded of bringing her back.
The young girl who was taking me to see this person I created slowly became more and more friendly and I was enjoying her company. She showed me that the underworld was just a labyrinth of bushes some you can see over and others that you can't. We stopped to talk to an older man and he confided in us that he was only there to use what he got there to gain money when he visited the real world. He was evil and we got away from him after he made us very uncomfortable. He was half alive like her, meaning they could go back and forth between worlds and he did although for some reason the younger girl chose to stay there.
WE met another girl who was friends with my (then) guide. She was pretty cool too but something seemed more amiss with her but nothing evil or “dark”. Then I kind of was staring over a part of the labyrinth and thinking for awhile and they were talking behind me or something and I realized there was a dark man to the right of me and although totally not touching me was holding me there and sucking my life energy all away. I realized then I had been standing in the dark, or like a shaded area of the labyrinth where the light couldn't get to.
I instantly was afraid and trying to pull away from him but couldn't scream for being so weak. The girls noticed and pulled me away and we started running back through the labyrinth to get away from the dark and as we were running noticed there were many parts of the labyrinth that were dark and light and we tried to stay in the light.
The dark parts were like sticky paper for flies or something there were dark miserable spirits there all in shadow they would try to pull you in and take your energy from you. I got stuck a few more times before getting back to the doors with the two girls. I insisted they come back with me but one girl the girl that had something strange about her she couldn't even see the doors she had no idea what we were talking about and I realized she was fully dead. The other girl who was ill or close to death COULD see the doors and another girl who seemed to be waiting for us there told us to say goodbye to our friend and walked us through. Someone handed us a baby to take with us.
We ran through the doors with this mysterious girl and the baby who seemed to get bigger and bigger as time pasted at a alarmingly fast rate laughing joyfully and I noticed all the people arriving from the elevators were so somber and I remembered that when I came there were people coming and going in joy and in sorrow both. Now I knew why.
So the girl and I that I felt like I helped rescue and the baby got into an elevator. A weird looking dude who was obviously alive but had evil intent said if we gave him the child we would be able to live. We didn't let the little boy go who was nearly 4 or 5 now but as the elevator door closed the child disappeared from my arms and he had him. The weird evil guy took him (the child) into a different elevator and up they went. Our mysterious girl who was waiting to escort us by the doors of the underworld took the ride with them but somehow hidden at first. At a stop the little boy was maybe 20 years old now and carrying a back pack got off of the ride and the man that stole him turned into that old evil man who was using the underworld to gain money and power.
I now understood the 20 year old guy was his grandson whom he (the older evil man) originally went there to save and got swept up in the fact he could cheat life using the knowledge he gained there. The grandson got off on a floor in the hospital and off he walked. He had been there in a coma for sometime because of a drug overdose or something like that and was going to return to his body. He was evil too though and I wished I hadn't aided his return.
The old man and the guide who had now appeared were in the elevator going to another floor even higher up and the man had some type of case with all of this money and symbols of power. A puppy appeared to come through a crevice in the elevator door and he pet the animal and the animal went back out the way he came. This of course was impossible as the elevator was moving...
The old man stuck his hand out the door somehow by squeezing it through a crevice to get the dog as if he was hypnotized by the animal and wanted to grab him and he obviously wasn't thinking straight. The girl/guide screamed out for him to stop and he became lodged in the elevator gears and slowly the elevator was pulling him out and crushing him piece by piece. The dog had been a trick of the dark part of the underworld that had been depleting his life energy in all the times he went there for the wrong reasons... and the girl was a guide making sure his soul got back there and was punished for what he had done.
My friend and I reached our floor and got out intuitively knowing what had happened to them and picked up a news paper that talked about both of them being crushed in the elevator together as if it had happened days before. However she was okay and so was I and we were happy for that! This is when I woke up...
I don't want to lose my grandma and this is why this is scary for me. The other parts are just sort of weird that it played out in a complete story... What is your take on this dream? | | | | 26 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Vote for me in this awesome contest! | | | | Saturday, July 11, 2009 (11:15 PM) | | The video is totally hot and %100 free to see and there is no random registering or anything lame like that to vote... so it literally takes two seconds!
You can vote here! http://contest.shakinit.com/bc5_undressjess.html# | | | | 42 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | I am the adult iCarly! | | | | Friday, June 19, 2009 (12:15 PM) | | I take pics like daily of me just messing around on cam. I took this one after one of my daily members shows and I think it's pretty hot, if I may so myself:)
This was a pic I took during my weekly themed show last week. I was doing a 1940's “old Hollywood” kind of theme. Ha I did the whole show to the Blue Velvet sound track too which pretty much ruled!
And these are two photos from this weeks high quality photoset. I took these when I had those awesome braids awhile ago. I think I am gonna do my hair like this again soon actually but with lighter more natural colors:
And just in case you didn't know I have 18 24/7 live cams now. I did have 15. I actually had a SECOND internet line installed today so I would have enough bandwidth to run them all and not have them mess up my regular online stuff. My goal is to have 20:) I even have a foot cam now that's under my desk! I know that's not for everyone but I like it so SUE ME! :)
www.undressjess.com is the stuff dreams are made of... awwwweeeeeee! | | | | 58 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | 3D Sexy Time Fun CONTEST! | | | | Wednesday, April 1, 2009 (3:03 PM) | |
So as you all know I have had some really silly issues with my old apartment. My landlord went bankrupt and then out of nowhere alerted me that the property I was renting a space out of was being foreclosed. After a few days of panicking this bad situation got worse when my electricity was turned off out of the blue and then my water. I tried for a about a week to stick it out in the freezing cold because I love my animals so dearly but it came to pass that I needed to stay elsewhere until I could figure my shit out.
I have been staying with my friend Steve who has been awesome enough to allow me and one of my cats to nest in and get some of my shit back together. I recently had my site redone design wise and I also added new features. (Please let me know your opinions on the new design! www.undressjess.com ) This was something that was being put into effect before any of the lame setbacks happened with my dwelling. I finally have my spy cams back up at his house and although he hates them he is dealing.
So we talked about it (Steve and I) and we decided that since he was planning on moving out of his house anyways I would just take it over. He is actively looking for a place as I type this and has found a ton of leads. Honestly although he is a good guy… I can’t wait until his ass is out of here so I can get more comfortable and bring my Dog and other two cats over here.
Anyways so recently a member of mine bought me this totally rocking 3D webcam to do a few 3D members shows on my site weekly. Ha! I didn’t know this was a fetish but you learn something new everyday! I did my first 3D members show yesterday on my site www.undressjess.com and it was really crazy fun. The one thing I noticed though is that most people don’t have 3D glasses just chilling around for them to wear to my shows so
I decided to do a contest that would benefit my members/future members as well as myself in my housing situation and here it is:
Since I am taking over Steve’s house and have been staying here and leaving my Dog and two other cats alone in my old apartment with my stuff lots of shit has gotten ruined… My couch was broken anyways but now my mattress is peed on! And basically I have never really decorated my living room in the first place in all of the apartments I have had… So I made a wishlist for apartment supplies and decorations!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/33ANQ3F4QAXE8
I am not asking in my right mind for anyone to buy me say the couch on there or new twin size bed (cause Steve’s bedroom area is HELLA small compared to my old bedroom! Like as big as my old closet. Seriously.) but I did mark some of the 20-40 dollar items I would like to have “contest”.
This means if you get me something off of this list marked as a contest Item you will win from me a pair of signed 3D glasses sent to you in the mail as well as some other random goodies I stick in there. If you are already a site member you will also receive a PRIVATE one on one 3D cam show once you received the glasses in the mail! If you are NOT a member (Um and why aren’t you?) you will get a week pass to my site activated either once I receive the gift in the mail or once you receive the 3D specs. It’s up up you!
In the event that more than four folks end up buying more than four gifts I will award the four with that bought the highest costing items and to those who don’t receive a pair of the signed glasses I will give them both the 20 minute show and the week pass to www.undressjess.com ! I will try to prevent this though by posting the four winners on my twitter once they have been placed! You can follow my twitter here:
http://twitter.com/clubmix1996 | | | | 64 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | To my one true love... | | | | Wednesday, March 25, 2009 (7:38 PM) | | I should have had us build a time capsule and then buried it at my grandfathers grave.
Just so I could dig it up now and throw it in your face.
Should I get up from his bed and write you this song?
A song I have been singing for 4 and 4 years. Now 8.
It might be some type of cantankerous fate bomb going off.
I deserve that, and I know.
But you don’t deserve my precious melody.
No you aren’t some faultless God.
You are just as repulsive and fallible as the rest, you just prefer it hidden
Under those cold deceiving blue eyes.
I waited 7 whole months to give you that…
Showing off my twirl and scissor, dancing up more and more lies.
No not that time, as they weren’t faux courtesies.
No not that time.
Last night I sat laid there for hours wishing you were the one that cried.
If I could have anything it would be to give you this pain
That I have inside.
Laying there making up more and more lies.
Where does this man next to me lie?
His sick sad body makes me wish I could die.
This is not his pain that he has to endure.
It’s yours.
I wish you would have never touched me again.
You broke open all of those shells I had hidden in make believe castles.
I remember every look, song and broken promise
That I created in your name.
You took from me something I had saved up
For the next real thing.
I curse you for this.
May your days suffer and you kneel and kiss the feet
Of many an undesirable and commonplace hag.
I am remarkable and you will never live to love another
That possesses the prepossessing prowess, like mine.
No you were not brave to know your own lust
And thus left me riding on your dust.
Do you know me?
Perhaps you have forgotten all of our childish winters?
Choices I made I will never hold on high
Because I lost your Love almost with determination.
After all, I have always been a masochist.
Do you remember when I had nothing left
But insults that were obviously lies?
Blood was pooling at my feet from my
Self gratifying wounds and all I could do was try.
Effort spewed forth from my only orifice that I had not allowed
To be beaten and hushed.
And you laughed at my hysterical appearance out of shame,
For you and for me and maybe even what I had came to be.
But the fact is I begged you not to be broken.
Even in my poorest hour when I made my gravest mistake
I pleaded with you not to love her.
Even when I halted my selfishness and decided to stop dragging you along
On my own personalized ride through hell.
I knew what was to come.
It came to me in dreams many years before,
And I woke up choking on my morality, jealousy and eventually hate.
Phantoms of the past are what I live on.
Ideals and hopes that are locked in my mind
From the day I first lay in your bed while you still slept and made that point
To look around and remember.
Still you don’t deserve this song.
You now string me behind for sport
Don’t you?
Otherwise why would you have given in to feed
This dream, memory and taste still lingering at my lips?
Then go on to much more settled and humdrum waters.
I hate and love you in the same a terrible way.
You are not as oblivious as you would like to seem.
No, because I know you better than anyone
And one day you will ingest this suicide pill
Of lies I had became.
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| | nowhere | | | | Friday, March 13, 2009 (3:17 PM) | | I’m out of my birth control after today. No matter. I don’t think I’ll be boinking anytime soon anyhow. Not now after all of this. Being homeless and all. Oh but I AM crazy, of course. Pity to me, the girl who seems to keep running into trouble. I swear I would leave if I could. I would just get up and get the fuck out of here. But I have nowhere to go. No home. My animals will die without me. They are being fed and given water but Jebadiah my dog, is losing all kinds of weight and his coat seems to be matting up. Without me there I just don’t think he likes to eat. I wish I were like that… didn’t eat when I feel like shit. Instead I do the opposite.
Steve wants me out of his place and I guess I have no reason to blame him. I imagine I would be rather difficult to live with. My site is losing memberships because I haven’t been able to consistently do my daily hour long cam shows which the members live for I bet. Also there are no spy cams because I have no home to show. I looked into a place but they wouldn’t let me have it because of my animals, and I have an idea he thought I might be to wild for the older lady that would have lived underneath. I have nowhere to go.
I am trying to inspire myself to do more to find somewhere to go but I am so depressed that I can’t bring myself to do anything right. I had been doing so fucking well and been saving up money to get myself a new mini laptop to travel with, new Zune because mine is too small for all of the music I have, and that trip to Phoenix to go to the adult webmaster convention since I had learned so much from the last. I can’t get those things now or go since the convention is just at the beginning of next month. I fucking hat e my landlord for putting me through this.
The economy is bad. I fucking get that but she could have warned me when this was all taking place. She has been trying to sell that fucking house since I moved in last May. I loved that place and took enough pride in the place and myself to keep it clean and well decorated. I have never been in a place mentally to want to make my home a castle, but this time I did and it was snatched away from me. It wasn’t even my fault. I don’t have a phone during the day to be able to call places and see who might like to rent to me and I don’t know who I can contact that might be able to help. I have called the legal aid society, the realtor who is selling the place with my landlord and the electric company. The utility people said I couldn’t get the shit turned back on because it’s on some type of commercial line. I don’t understand it.
I need a break through. I need a break. I need something to happen here. A miracle? But no one cares or has their own problems. But I am losing my mind like this. I have always been on my own and had to take care of myself since I was even still in high school when my mom deserted me and my grand dad died shortly afterward. No one is there for me. I am all I have ever had and I am so spoiled to think I deserve help. That I deserve a bone tossed my way when karmically this is most likely my fault to begin with. I just don’t know where to turn. | | | | 42 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Back on the Chain Gang! | | | | Thursday, March 5, 2009 (2:54 PM) | | Hey! Good news! Ok and some bad...
As most of you know from following my twitter I have basically been homeless since about a week ago when my electricity was turned off due to my landlord not paying on it for MONTHS. I had no clue this was going on and the only reason I found out there was an issue with my housing situation was due to me complaining to my landlord about my heat being broken. At that time she alerted me that the place was being foreclosed upon. However I found the place for sale by searching my address on the internet:
http://www.loopnet.com/property/15943696/809-SE-Riverside-Dr/
I don't feel weird about releasing my address at this point as I no longer stay there and I am staying with Steve while looking for a new place.
The search in finding a new place is going well... shittily because I was evicted from my last place before the one listed above. Also I have a ton of loans that have defaulted from my college days. I owe more than 30,000 in college loans and because of this my credit is obviously shitty. Another thing is I don't know what exactly to put on my apartment applications because i do work in the adult industry but I live in the Bible belt:(
If I had any good credit I would love to buy the house I was living in and rent out the other rooms and there was even talk about renting out to all attractive girls my age and setting up a voyeur house which would be an amazing business move as well as a great idea on how to keep my amazing place, but it just can;t be unless someone randomly buys the house for me and allows me to pay them back slowly by renting out the rooms or with the money the business would make. But I can't expect anyone to do that for me.
So the good news that I am happy to report is that I will have my internet up here at Steve's house on Saturday so I can't wait to be able to put up a few cams here until I can get them all up again at my new place. I will also be able to offer my members shows nightly once again on the nights that Steve is working so that's pretty cool. Also he works pretty much every day until 11:30pm so we'll have plenty of time for them!
On Saturday if the internet is set up as it is supposed to be I will offer a two hour members show for the site here www.undressjess.com via two of my networks and I will offer privates at a very inexpensive rate afterwords as a gift to those of you that have been so patient with my issues I have been having. i will announce those times for those shows at a later date closer to Saturday!
Thanks for sticking with me through all of this. It means more to me than you will ever know!
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