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| | The Silver Bullet | | | | Thursday, July 24, 2008 (3:59 AM) | | Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... He was screwed.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house.... And thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery.... And the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... And his butt fell off.
The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand........ You could lose your ass
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| | Thought for the Day | | | Wednesday, July 23, 2008 (5:38 PM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.
We were driving in the right lane when suddenly
a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and
missed The other car by just inches!
The driver of the other car whipped
his head around and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.
And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, "Why did you just do that?
This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"
This is when my taxi driver taught me what
I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.
They run around full of garbage, full of frustration,
full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it
and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally. Just smile,
wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it
to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people
do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
so ..... Love the people who treat you right.
Pray for the ones who don't.
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| | Sisters.. | | | Sunday, July 13, 2008 (8:50 AM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | Sisters
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,
Drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As
They talked about life, about marriage, about the
Responsibilities of life and the obligations of
Adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her
Glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance
Upon her daughter.
'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling
The tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll
Be more important as you get older. No matter how
Much you love your husband, no matter how much you
Love the children you may have, you are still going
To need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now
And then; do things with them.'
'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...
Your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other
Women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women
Always do.'
What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman
Thought. Haven't I just gotten married?
Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a
Married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely
My husband and the family we may start will be all I
Need to make my life worthwhile!'
But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact
With her Sisters and made more women friends each
Year. As the years tumbled by, one after another,
She gradually came to understand that her Mom really
Knew what she was talking about. As time and nature
Work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman,
Sisters are the mainstays of her life.
After more than 50 years of living in this world,
Here is what I've learned:
THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how
Many miles are
Between you. A girl friend is never farther away
Than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you
Have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life
Will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on,
Praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on
Your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the
Valley's' end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk
Beside you...Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters,
Daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,
Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended
Family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and
Neither would I. When we began this adventure called
Womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or
Sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we
Would need each other.
Every day, we need each other still. Pass this on
To all the women who help make your life meaningful.
I just did. Short and very sweet:
There are more than twenty angels in this world.
Ten are peacefully sleeping on clouds. Nine are
Playing. And one is reading her email at this
Moment.
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| | Larry | | | Sunday, July 13, 2008 (8:47 AM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disgust. Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of your going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the local hospital.
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| | thoughts to ponder on | | | Sunday, July 13, 2008 (8:45 AM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | Accept.
Admire.
Appreciate.
Force yourself to find and dwell
on others positive qualities.
You may be amazed
at what God has in store for you. | | | | 10 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | The Nude Runner | | | Sunday, July 13, 2008 (8:37 AM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
The boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had
run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as
best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping for air, 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?'
Oh, 'yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always
wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope..just when it's raining.
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| | and then the Fight Started.. ummh | | | Sunday, July 13, 2008 (8:33 AM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | And then the fight started.....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her someplace expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.
and then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
********************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
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| | The Dublin Doctor.. | | | Thursday, July 10, 2008 (4:22 PM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | |
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'. 'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: So, Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs
And shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''
'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
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| | Lessons in Life | | | Tuesday, July 8, 2008 (6:17 PM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | Lessons in Life
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others - You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood - but the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie, don't save it for a special occasion -Today is special!
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone, everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
'May the Lord's face radiate with joy because of you' Numbers 6:24
Live life to the fullest because tomorrow is not promised! 'People will forget what you said. They will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel'
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| | Postive Upbeat thoughts.. we all need them.. | | | Tuesday, July 8, 2008 (4:25 PM)
(I'm feeling calm) | | Good morning.
Things come in pairs.. Night and Day. Love and Hate. Happy and sad, hot and cold etc. Your thoughts also comes in pairs. You have negative thoughts and positive thoughts. In order to lead a successful positive life, you must tune out the negative thoughts and let only the positive live. When something in you says I can't, You must IMMEDIATELY say nope! I CAN! Shun all discouraging thoughts and have a powerful productive week! (Remember) You can't control all of your circumstances BUT you can control your thoughts.. Have a happy day! :-)
God is Love
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