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| | More!! randomness | | | Monday, March 10, 2008 (10:03 PM)
(I'm feeling contemplative) | | I quit school today, I withdrew from the bachelor of arts program. I have this sense that I just created my impending doom. I am only 21, is it possible at this age to say that I just ruined my life? Then why do I feel like I have? Again I ask why isn’t existence enough? Why does pride matter so much? Why do I need to make something of myself, why isn’t working and making a living enough? Why do I have to reach for more than that? In the end, isn’t it always about money?
…
He responds to me.
His comment: yeah right. Ttyl
Its so cold. So emotionaless. So formal. He doesn’t mean it but hes saying it, saying it like I should care enough about him to make him happy, because he isn’t. I wonder if its my job to make him happy, to make him feel good about the world and life. That’s all people really want, and need… a reason to be happy, a reason to make life worth living, and all they want from you is that reason.
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How can I continue, when I know that these are the moments I will one day regret I never lived in?
Why is it that being depressed makes me feel better than accomplishing?
How do I radically change everything
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I am defying my expectations. I am achieving that which I thought was unachievable. I will surpass my probability and stretch the limits of my social class. I will inspire, live fully and love, the greatest goals of a lifetime. I am more than you know, and will be more than you believe. Your expectations come from the right, but I will explode from the left. Knowledge is a limitation if you let it set the boundaries. But for me, there are no boundaries just opinions to prove wrong.
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I’m tired of being the same girl to the same guys. My important relationships always seem to end the same way, I’m always the one that wants him. I’m starting to believe what they say about making a man chase. I try to become that girl that only cares about herself, the one men desire because they can’t have her. (or seemingly)
But then I wonder. What kind of a person would I be? Its practically hereditary, my inevitable nature to be toooo nice. I’m the one that always offers to buy beers, the one that rubs you when you say it is sore, the girl that will make dinner every night, and the one that will sacrifice sleep just to be with you. I do it because when I care about someone, its an extremely strong emotion and it honestly makes me happy when they are happy. Only problem is I expect the same for myself.
I don’t want to be with someone that isn’t the same way. I always end up feeling like I care way more than they ever have or will. I get so insecure because I don’t want to be left… my greatest desire is to get married and have a happy family. I don’t want to fight with my husband, and I don’t want divorce to ever be an option. I’m seriously afraid that having a partner around when raising my children will screw them up. I don’t need them to deal with attachment issues to someone I can’t make love them or me more. I want to be able to show my chlidren that true love is possible and that life isn’t just about sex. What is a relationship without love? Its physical desire. Its intercourse. It’s nothing special.
Its emotions without guidance so its chaotic and horrible. I don’t want them to live the way I have, and to have to experience the way I have to learn their lessons.
I feel like I’m going to be a horrible mother. I will be so emotional… I can see crying myself to sleep everynight thinking about my children and what they have to go through. I’m can already feel it, that sense that I’m creating their impending doom.
I know, I know, I think to negatively about things. I need to change. I need to switch up my method of treatment. I need to get a life. A good one anyway.
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| | More Randoms!! | | | Monday, March 10, 2008 (9:59 PM)
(I'm feeling contemplative) | | It’s hard to think romantic thoughts about you, even though u make me wanna smile. I fear getting hurt, but I fear how it wasn’t always inevitable. To love someone, it seems, is to give them every inch of yourself and the hurt comes when they don’t want it. I am scared u will see me and understand me and not want me, I am scared that I will show the dark side of me too soon and u will run. Sometimes I feel too intense and when I start fires, no one can contain them. I like u so much and it terrifies me. I’m afraid I will set u on fire. I like to think everyone likes to be held, and everyone likes to be loved, but I can only speak for myself. I want to tell u that my heart desires to be with you and to be loved by you, and I want to promise it will last forever. I wish I could explain the uncomfort inside me but I fear u will be uncomfortable to.
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Its that time. That time where I re-think my decisions and re-evaluate based on new information. Why do I get so scared of relationships? Is it irrational or necessary? I feel like, because I’m “beautiful” men want to control it. They want to know its theirs, and only theirs.
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Being alone isn’t the worst thing in the world. Its independence, Its knowing that you exist even if the rest of the world doesn’t. What it isn’t are the small things.
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So I’ve recently discovered that I have very high standards for women. Atleast in regards to respect. I have the most respect for the women who do not stand out as necessarily feminine, but stand out more so based on their resemblance to the features that should be prized most in men. That is level headedness, the ability to understand without judgement and irrational emotions, it’s a degree of sophistication that arises from the desire to be viewed as professional and intelligent, not sexy and feminine. While I see nothing wrong with being sexy, I believe it is the wrong approach for a female to take when she is trying to gain the respect of all her peers, including those in the academic, male, world. Sexy, when it is found outside of the home and the bedroom, is merely a trick for females and a weakness for men. It is never a challenge to make a man desire you sexually, it is never an accomplishment, because men are easily draw by sexuality but do not respect it. It is the easy way to get what you want and therefore the least respectable. When a female chooses to prize and emphasize her intelligence and rational thought, she is choosing the harder more complicated route of achievement, and therefore can be respected for her dignity, pride, and achievements, because for her, it was not something that was easy, but yet she did not give in and showed superior strength in comparison to other female competitors.
As soon as a girl starts to let herself believe that being sexually desired by a man is something that is worthy of respect and pride, she is falling into a trap.
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| | The Beginning of a Good Thing | | | Monday, March 10, 2008 (1:43 PM)
(I'm feeling calm) | | Sooo this is the beginning of my "story" which is very incomplete and kinda all over the place. In the beginning I am talking about myself.. and i plan to elaborate eventually, but this is at its very very rough stage. I just wanna know if you like it so far, and if its worth elaborating on :) I will probably change alot of it in the end, especially when i go on about children, haha, and my cats, but you get the jist hopefully. I will be posting a continuation of this.. I have pages and pages written soo you can expect more from me!!!
The Beginning of a Good Thing
We have lived together for close to 10 years now. I was very shy at first and we rarely spoke, I still undoubtedly had my moments. I haven’t always been a silent observer, but only recently have I broken out of this “shell”. Its not me I want to talk about tho, its her.
I really think she is insane. But I’ll get back to that.
When I think back to the beginning of our journey together, I think we really only started interacting in the last year. But even then our understanding of eachother has always been limited. And maybe we just all have our moments of insanity? Hopefully
I’ve thought long and hard about why she is the way she is. Its an interesting topic it really is, it helps if you take the right point of view.
She was a dramatic child. In her eyes, every action was an action against or for her. Maybe it’s just the effects of being a child. I know that I wasn’t living with her for most of her early years so any voice of reason that could have possibly reached her was unavailable. As it usually is in those first few years..
I know that she spent time as a child crying, I know that she experienced traumatizing nightmares and sometimes horrifying thoughts. (which, hopefully only for a split second, are nearly as bad as horrifying experiences). She did dream, like a normal girl, about being a singer and getting married and living happily ever after. She grew up expecting for herself what any “normal” child would expect, love and happiness.
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I don’t understand myself. Mind you, that isn’t the only reason I chose the profession I have. Will I ever understand everything? That I’m not sure about, I don’t think you could ever really be sure until it happens. Then you would understand everything, which would include understanding that you understand everything. At least I know that I am not done learning, and that this is not the end, and one day, if I keep trying to learn, I will understand more than I do now. This is a very comforting thought.
I’ve recently come to understand that there is such a thing as over thinking and it is something you should generally avoid. It leads to misunderstandings, overgeneralizations, and worst of all, paranoia. If you’re not careful, everything can seem hopeless. This, you want to avoid. I’ve had a problem with over thinking. When I think about humans, my thoughts can linger to how fragmented the human mind is, I start to think about how fragmented my own mind is, and I wonder how people can ever truly get close to each other when they are just so fucked up. This generally leads to depression. This should be avoided.
Of course I always remember the only thing that has proven itself continually, in various important and unimportant situations. I remember balance. I remember that life is not about to much or to little, but it is about the right amount. The amount, you must learn. Now I don’t claim to know everything. Just so we are sure about that.
But I question, and I wonder, and I get depressed often. This isn’t cool and is to be avoided but is evidently sometimes unavoidable.
I have had many life experiences, or so I believe, even though it will probably seem different when I am 50 years old. I feel like I’ve had a lot of experiences in the area of men anyway. I don’t even like to use the word men when referring to the males I have been in contact with in my life, I would prefer to use boys. But then you would think I was talking about males young in age, and I don’t want to give that impression. I may not have an extremely clear definition of what a man is, but I do know some essential features that most males lack.
A man, by my somewhat vague definition, is referring to a male that has courage, and does not fear the repercussions of his truthfulness. He is a father, a lover, a friend, and most importantly an equal. A man will try to understand and not judge, however unavoidable this may be.
Real Men are hard to come by. I thought I encountered a few in my day, but when I really think about it I don’t think I have ever met a real man and been sure of it. There is sometimes a grey line, like in the case of MY father. I have always looked up to him and admire his strength. But at the same time I have come to resent him. There has been more than a few times where my father questioned me and my faithfulness in him in his own depression and this weakness, combined with his lack not specifically of understanding, but of the care to truly understand me, has made me question even him.
Boys have no grey area. Depending on the mood you catch me in boys are either evil or good.
So. I have had an incredible urge lately to have a child. I know I am making it sound like a craving, but it IS a craving. That never passes… YES I KNOW I’m to young, I need a father, I never know just how hard it is, etc etc BUT that doesn’t shake the feeling. Why is everything I think about have to be so grandioso?? Why can’t a simple, normal lifestyle be satisfying? I have everything a girl my age would desire or need. I live on my own, I am attending school without being in significant debt, I am beautiful. What more do I need? Why does a child seem like the ultimate step? What will be the ultimate step once I have a child? When is just living ever going to be enough?
My mind and body are racing constantly. HaHa
SOOO I asked Ryan to have my baby the other day, because I explained my urges but he has heard them before. Its funny cause I think that he thought I was already pregnant so he started to consider the idea seriously. And the sad thing is that I want to be pregnant, but I’m not. My period will come, in 2 days, and I will hate it with everyone bone in my body. I will hate all women, the ones that have it all but don’t want it. The ones that let the little ones suffer while they fufill their selfish desire for promiscuous relationships, or just plain self-satisfaction. And maybe I’ll never understand until the baby is in my arms, or maybe when its 3 and it starts throwing tantrums, or when its 10 and hates me for holding it back. Because what is it that makes a woman hate her life because of her children?
Will it happen 2 me? I don’t want to hate myself one day, I don’t want to wonder why I let myself make such a hughe mistake at such a young age because of my whimsical desires. I want to always think that I have lived life the way I think best, that I have done the best I can for myself, and that every or atleast most major life choices I’ve made were good and right and thought through logically and made in a reasonable state of mind.
I don’t want to look back and think that everything I have done is a result of my irrational and ever-changing mind and mood swings. I want to be careful about my decisions, I want to think them through.
Its like my cats… I feel as though Merlin came at the right time, specifically at a chosen time, by some gracious understanding God. But Bella got sick, and she would have never gotten sick had my desire for a kitten and independence not been so great. I could have been smart, I could have left her with my mother while treating Merlin with antibiotics, I could have waited to get Merlin, I could have done so many other things. I was to eager. Will it happen with the child? Will it be a case of me being just to eager?
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| | Well Hello! | | | Monday, March 10, 2008 (1:35 PM)
(I'm feeling energetic) | | Well hello!
I am starting to get more into this site because I love all the new features!! now, not only can I post videos of myself and go live, but i can blog to :) which makes me happy cuz i love to write and its not always something that can be expressed in a video. I like to rant, so I am going to start posting some of my older writings and I would love to hear feedback!! I enjoy writing, although its usually spontaneous and its when i'm feeling very passionate about something and i need to express myself. Generally, they are not long blurbs, but sometimes I can get ahead of myself and go crazy with words. I have recently started creating a "book" or memoir which is simply a collection of all these rants. I am gonna post it, I don't want to hear horrible feedback, but I do like constructive criticism. I'm also not into editing yet so if you see grammatical errors then please ignore them!! I haven't bothered checking for stuff like that besides the spell check so i'd rather not hear to much about that!
love,
Tanisha | | | | 137 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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