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| | time to think | | | | Thursday, July 24, 2008 (11:33 AM) | | How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
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What disease did cured ham actually have?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
| | | 31 Views | 2  Thumbs Up | 1 Comment |  |
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| | joke | | | | Tuesday, July 8, 2008 (3:24 PM) | | A blonde was weed-eating her yard
and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail,
over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
| | | | 59 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | joke | | | | Tuesday, July 8, 2008 (3:23 PM) | | Senior Suicide
Despondent over the recent death of her husband, after 50 years of marriage, decided to kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out her husband's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, she was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee
| | | | 41 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | joke | | | | Tuesday, July 8, 2008 (3:22 PM) | |
Protected Status
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay?"
| | | | 27 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | joke | | | | Wednesday, June 25, 2008 (4:10 PM) | | Chinese Sick Leave
Hung Chow calls into work and says,
"Hey, I no come work today, I really sick... Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon........ ..You got nice house!"
| | | | 44 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | joke | | | | Wednesday, June 25, 2008 (4:08 PM) | |
Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the
first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age
that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I
have to eat ground or soft foods."
The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at
an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers,
I have to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you
mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's
interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just
got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going." | | | | 53 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | jokes | | | | Wednesday, June 25, 2008 (4:08 PM) | |
American Beer
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem in the bedroom.
"Doc, I think my { you know what } is just too small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There`s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh yes, Doc," replies the man, "and I`ve got the wife on American beer!" | | | | 49 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | joke | | | | Wednesday, June 25, 2008 (4:06 PM) | | The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy," replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"
| | | | 35 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | jokes | | | | Sunday, June 15, 2008 (2:25 PM) | | Dwarf
There I was on my way to the store... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... and then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you just-get-sooo- stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and said, "Well, which one are you then?"
............ . and that's when the fight started . .
| | | | 56 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | jokes | | | Sunday, June 15, 2008 (2:25 PM)
(I'm feeling awake) | | Golf and Bees
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round Of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse And asked, "Why are you back in so early?
What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your Stance is too wide."
| | | | 47 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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