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| | It's Been Awhile | | | Saturday, August 15, 2009 (8:02 PM)
(I'm feeling Feeling Better) | | I'm still sick with thyroid problems. Getting better but it's going to take time. I took an accidental overdose of my synthoid on June 30. I was half asleep and didn't remember taking the dose! I took an extra dose! I had to stay off of it for about a week and then it has been slow going to get me back on a manageable dose. Last week I was barely able to get out of bed. I went up a few days ago on the dose and now I feel a bit better. I'm still not where I should be. So there is where I have been and what I have been up too. I guess I will learn to leave messages for myself, not take anything half asleep or at least tell someone I have already taken a dose of any med. Now if I have to question that fact I just don't take it. Better safe than sorry.
I am learning a valuable lesson. I just undid 6 years of very hard work on my part, my docs, and I now must put up with what I hoped would be gone for good. Depression, being tired beyond tired, but I will say revisiting all this crap has been enlightening the last day or so. I now know I'm not stupid nor lazy. It's my thyroid and has been all my life. My depression is caused by my thyroid not being normal. I have only 2/3rds of it. The white noise I have in my head that was so loud I used music to drown it out since I was about 13 is directly linked to my thyroid not being "Normal". So there ya have it. I was a dumb arse, took too much meds, made myself sick but learned a very valuable lesson. There are such things as accidents, you can screw yourself worse than anyone and Karma is a real.........kicker sometimes. But hey, I'm still here and I'm still kickin' back. As I get better I'll be back more and my better usual self. Right now I'm not really myself, thought process is hard but all in all I shall return at some point. Y'all take care and I love you guys and gals. Many Blessings to you all, Rose | | | 34 Views | 8  Thumbs Up | 5 Comments |  |
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| | Days Of Future Passed | | | Thursday, June 4, 2009 (8:55 AM)
(I'm feeling sad) | | I was listening to the Moody Blues this morning. I went looking for the CD because I needed a little prospective. Life as I have known it is not anything like it was either here or IRL. I'm directionaless. I can't seem to break free and move forward into anything.
I'm usually a positive person but the last year has taken it's toll on me personally and physically. I'm trying to regain my health and my balance using technics I learned over the course of my self discovery. However; I must also find new technics. I'm being blocked at every turn. I've turned inside and out over the course of a year or more. Looking inside I know in my heart there is still something that I need to be doing. What that is is really anyones guess. Beats me as to what that is. But I know this will pass and I will get answers.
My thyroid is out again. I'm waiting for conformation on my dosage of the med I use to control it. Over the course of my 45 years I have been to many psychologist. The last one who saw me almost three years ago said that I only have clinical depression. I now know that it is caused by my thryoid and predisposition too it.
I have only 2/3rds to 1/2 of my thyoid. I was born this way. For years I just believed I was stupid and lazy. That is not the case though. It's a balancing act. If it fails or starts producing I'm in BIG, Big Trouble. If I don't keep my eyes on it and my doc doesn't do tests every 6 weeks I become off balance and loose what I gained. I keep going in a loop and revisiting things I have cleared up. Old loves, Old outmoded ideas what should have beens dog me. For once in my life I wish that I could stay balanced and helpful. Because right now I am neither.
I really hate this! I hate feeling this bad. But it was coming all last year and most of this one. Like a domino effect things started to change last year with all the neighbor crap. My health failed. I damn near lost my best friend this year to a brain aneursym. I pray every day for her and hope that someday it can be like it once was or at least more beneficial for both of us. Because I do love her and will always love her. This has damn near broke my heart. I didn't really know I had any left to break. But there it is.
Plus I found out some negative stuff about myself. Like maybe the reason I am here at all. My family to say the least has some real screw balls in it. I am predisposed to all that. Without boring anyone that reads this I'll just say I might be here just to end the line of negative, depressed, violent, aggressive shit that has shaped my mother's side of the family. Daddy's side has its negative side too. I'm predisposed on both sides to depression. I feel all that has settled on me. I'm the last of my mother's line and father's line (The one he created). I have no kids to stick this with and really I am quite glad of that. I'm going to have to be stronger and more vigulant on my behavior and how I go out into the world. It's been a full time job just keeping me in balance and in line and on track. So for the last 18 years almost I haven't worked outside the home with the exception of a three month stint at a photo store. This screwed up my time to get disability. So most of my life I have sabatoged myself. That's going to have to stop. I guess when I come to terms with it then, I can move forward. I really want to do that. The last month I have wondered if I really should be alive at all. I really shouldn't be but here I am. I'm waiting for instructions and I really don't have the paitence any longer to wait. My life hasn't much in it right now. I'm trying to do what I have done in the past to fix things. I really hate feeling this way. Perhaps when I find out about the tests I'll feel better. Until then, I'm going to need a balancing stick for my high wire act and a magickal sword for the dragons or is it a hydra I have hanging around. Yeah, It's a hydra. You cut off it's head and it grows back. That magickal sword better have cauldrizing properties! Wish me luck. I'm Going To Need It!
PS. I just got the call from my doc. My thryoid test came back that I was right. Too little medication. I'm in the mist of not enough meds! I went up on my meds three days ago (not asking the doc long story for another time) and called my Endrocryninologist. However; she wants me to get in sooner and said she will help all she can to get me a appointment sooner. So there is hope. I'm still going to need prayers and well wishes. I hate to bring everyone down. Here is hoping something can and will be done soon. I can't stand the way I am feeling. It's not like me. But there is just so much you can fight on your own. Peace, Love and Light to you all. Love, Rose
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| | RIP Gene Roddenberry's Star Trek | | | Friday, May 15, 2009 (1:11 PM)
(I'm feeling sad) | | I went to see the "New" Star Trek yesterday. I had been putting it off because somehow I knew I would be pissed off and sad at and with the movie.
Since I was a little girl and my father had Star Trek the Original series on in the late 1960's Gene Roddenberry's vision of our future has made it's mark on me. Although I hadn't become part of the ranks yet until 1973 when it was syndicated here in Texas at a Dallas Station. I spent 36 years happy in the fact that one thing hadn't changed. Consistancy. Well that is blown to hell now. Unless they can weave something back into the next movie or so this new Star Trek is pretty much dead to me.
I didn't think myself a hardliner. There is room for change. I was willing to accept other actors as younger versions of the crew. I had no problem with Kirk being Captain at a young age. However; in his 20's is a big stretch even for a battlefield commission. That's what that was folks. A battlefield commission. Happens in war all the time. Some buck private can become a sargent if all the other guys that out rank him are either killed off or incapiable of leadership duty. I am an Air Force brat too. I'm sure other millatry personale will attest to that. Anyway, I was even willing to overlook families being about star ships at that day and time. The first families I do believe arrived on Star Trek TNG in 1988. Also the total erradication of a planet and a good one at that and the death of a character that made another character what he was? Humm, very, very unfasinating.
I left the theater talking of the uncreation of Gene Roddenberry's Star Trek. I have no idea where they are going to go with this. All I know I felt raked over the coals and my backside a bit on the soar side. Part of my life has just been rewritten. Wouldn't that be good if we could just all do that? Right Wrongs, not marry the wrong guy. Not get into a situation you shouldn't have? Hey Pass the Anti Matter right here guys! I could use reconstitution myself!
I did however enjoy the FX and seeing the USS Enterprise alive in full glory right out of the space dock. I balled like a baby at seeing her again. Last time I saw her was when she was decending onto the Genesis Planet to her demise. Funny, I had the same emotions going on then as I did yesterday. I believe it was a warning of sorts on the shape of things to come. I missed it unfortunantly. This is going to take a lot of getting used too. I will say they have opened things up a bit. Perhaps it's not going to change much more. I almost threw up with my head spinning trying to ground myself though the whole film. It was long in places and I actually looked at my cell phone at the time! But all in all I guess I'm going to have to say good bye to the old familiar Star Trek and make a treaty with the new. Change is hard. I just feel like things are uncreating. Thanks for letting me rant. I know it's just a movie. But if you are a really big fan, grew up spoonfed on one thing and now it's moot......it's difficult I will say. Live Long and Prosper! | | | | 81 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
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| | What's Been Up With Me. Plus, The Dangers of Soy and Thyroid Meds | | | Sunday, May 3, 2009 (8:04 AM)
(I'm feeling determined) | | Hey Everyone! I've been gone for a long while. Coming back only to check messages and such. Since December I have had complications to adverse reaction to Cipro the antibiotic. I was given this in late December for an ear infection. My ears became inflamed because not only did I take oral meds I was given drops as well. I can't fault my doc too much because I had taken it before. I became hypersensitive to it. My life was a living hell for most of the winter and about a month ago when I was able to get an appointment to the dermotologist did I find I had eczema from the Cipro. By then it had reached my scalp and I haven't been able to color nor mess with my hair much nor wear makeup. I have been wearing caps/hats as my February 17 vlog stated. Also my skin has gone really dry, and the eczema has spread all over at one time or another. I have to use no dye in my soap for clothes and showers alike.
With all that my back and shoulder went out and I am fixing that. I can't sit at the puter like I used too, thus I can't be here like I was before last year. However; things are looking up in both instances. My stress level is lower now with the neighbors settling down. Plus my life is less stressful because I have done some pitching and throwing out of old outdated ideas and feel better having done a reorganization and priorotory thing. I'm still working on that. More changes are due soon but good ones.
This all started last year during my grandmother's illness and death. From 4/29/08 to 4/29/09 the negative energy just abounded. Well, I had let it. I am at fault for not fighting it harder, but I had just had enough of just about everything in my life and nothing seemed positive except one small part of me that said "I don't think so, damnit" I did have that going for me and one reason I am still here is I knew it wasn't supposed to be like that. I started pushing it and not letting it push me. It was a long process but I now have my positive energy back and in full swing!
I started visualizing my life. Healthy, happy, peaceful, with many friends. Truly I am amazed that I have been gone for a while here and yet when I do contact one of my friends here it's like I never left. I appriecate that so very much.
I feel though as if all this was done too me or rather for me for a reason. Just too see how much I could take and what I was made of. I also believe it was to help me learn to help myself. I didn't just sit and let it happen for long either. I searched the internet in helping me help myself. Education is the key. Also I was diagnosed with "Thick Blood" my hemoglobin was high. Red Blood cell over production. I fixed that with no iron because I am post menopausal. I also read and was told by another doc that I had to quit as much soy as possible because it didn't mix with my Synthriod thyroid medication. Also Known As Leventhroxin and I am not sure on the spelling on that one. Anyway, I gave up Bread that I don't make myself. I can use Canola, peanut, and the like just not Vegetable oil. That is pure soy and I had used it liberly for most of my life. It's all I knew to use. At any rate I read on everything if it contains soy, then I pass on it and make it myself with canola.
Getting back to the "thick blood" if I had it then I found a way to be proactive and fix it. I found a wonderful vitamin at GNC without iron, and soy. I have really been jammin' for about 4 weeks now. I'm right at a month since I started all this. Plus I take vitamin E. I don't recomend doing any of this without your docs knowledge but do ask him or her about it if you feel it might help. I am not a doc. I am just someone that wanted health and had to find the right combonation of things to help me get healthy again, for the first time ever I believe. Being proactive in your own life and health is essential to your well being. If you don't give a flying figg about yourself no one else is going too. I suggest that you take a good long look at yourself. Warts and all and try and do something for yourself. I had too. It was sort of what Native Americans call a vision quest. Mine was an urban vision quest. I didn't have to leave the house much and didn't. Which probably was not a good idea but for those with limited means of leaving the house, it can be done.
Now, I'm on too finding the right combination to help my thyroid medication do it's job. I feel I probably will have to go back to the endrocronologist or thyroid doc for that. I'm limited though to money seeing I have eaten though all of my flexable spending account for this year already.
I'm going to have to quit smoking. That might have to wait until next year. I do only smoke about 5 too 6 ciggy's a day now down from two packs last year. It's an improvment. I'm still maintaining my weight 175 with no exersize. I hate it! But I know I will find something I can tolerate with a messed up shoulder and rib that comes out of place once in a while now. I have no idea why I have either but, I guess it's the way I have had to live my life when I was younger and in with some rough people. Again I have myself to blame for that. It's before I learned that trust has to be earned and not feely given. I just want to thank you all for supporting me and praying for myself and Mojo my black kitty. We are both on the road to healing and with your prayers and love, it has made everything that we have had to go though a learning and meaningful experience. Much Love and Blessings to you all! | | | | 44 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | My Gifts and The Knowledge to Use Them | | | Sunday, February 15, 2009 (10:33 AM)
(I'm feeling accomplished) | | Lately I have been given knowledge and insight on what I probably will be doing the rest of my life. As many of you know I'm still wondering what the hairy heck I'm supposed to be doing. What I was born for. Photography is only part of my path. I have been given knowledge recently on the other part of my path. To pay forward what I have been given to help me survive and thrive.
I was a mess most of my life. The way I grew up wasn't bad but the things I learned from influential people in my life almost destroyed me. Or more over I let it almost destroy me. I had to get over or more over learn to live with the things I had done to me. I did a video on self forgiveness a while back. Next up........Self Love and love unconditionally for you by you. Yep I can say now that I love myself. It wasn't easy loving me for warts and all but I managed. I had too. For you are really the only one you have. That's another story.
Last night someone was brought to my doorstep by our Creator, having a panic attack. I've had them before and they can be nasty understating that. Double that with the person's young age and the fact I believe it was compounded by a Post Traumatic Stress attack......I've had those too and both at the same time. Needless to say. Between my husband and I we got her out of the tree she had climbed into and we called someone for her to help her. I had to really focus not to be drawn into the energy she was putting out and negative at that but I managed and was able to proactively help her. What I really saw in that chair was a younger version of myself. It was stark reality time. For this is where I came from. Broken, mind body and spirit. But knowing all this I was able to reach out with my knowledge and help her. I found it easy but seeing myself, my younger self really broke my heart. I wasted so many years crippled. I don't want another person to have to wait until they are in their 40's to have this great and healing knowledge I have.
For days I have felt a sense of purpose I haven't felt the whole of my life. Like something blooming inside of me. Knowledge, wisdom and courage to heal brought me to where I am right now in my life. For everthing you go though that does not kill you makes you stronger if you take that knowledge and use it and don't let it use you. I believe Our Creator has spoken too me. It wasn't loud but a small clear Your time is now. Go back to college. Get your degree in psychology and help those who have not found themselves. Work with fellow survivors and help them became thrivers. It's possible because I am living proof. I survived. Learned to thrive. That is Roz's Concept Thriving. I have a purpose. I have a reason to be here. I'm not just taking up space and using air. I am not stupid, ugly or invisable. My ex was wrong. My mother was wrong and she admitted that recently. My father however was right. Actually I hear him clear as day. "Just do it!" It's good to know finally what I am going to be doing. It's good to know I love me for me. It's good to know that what ever life throws at me, I can take it, run with it. Use it and not let it use me. Keep Moving Forward. Now since I came by this knowledge and wisdom I thank our Creator my ancestors and mentors both here on this earth and the ones beyond this life. I also want to thank you my friends for helping me, having faith in me. Encouraging me. Many Blessings to you all. Love, Rose | | | | 47 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | Miracles, Enchiladas and Sisters of the Heart | | | Tuesday, February 3, 2009 (2:31 PM)
(I'm feeling happy) | | The last few days I have gained a lot of strength just being alive and witnessing the miracle of my best friend and sister of the heart Tammy's recovery from her aneursym. When the surgery was over a little over a month ago (Jan 2) I knew she would recover. Because she is a fighter. I don't believe she knew it or not but she was/is fighting. All the prayers said in her behalf and mine are greatly appreciated more than you know. I want to publically thank everyone that prayed, sent gifts, gave encouragement, and sent positive energy for both of us. It worked. The power of love and prayer are infinate. They transend the bad and weave miracles. I'm here today to give witness to it.
Thoughtout our separt illnesses it looked as if neither one of us could help each other any other way. Even in my weakened condition I still prayed, sent positive healing energy and was there for her as much as I possibly could be. I believe too even in her condition she did what she could for me and together we healed each other. Some things are just that, simple but powerful. Friendship, love and sisterhood are all bonds that weave the magick of a miracle too. Sometimes too it's luck. But we both got the luck and a miracle too.
When I say mircale I really mean mircales because there were many provided to us though this time of strife. I know I am putting that mildly but, several things happend that were directly meant to change things.
One thing her husband and I understand each other better and I really hope that continues. He now knows how much she means to me and how much I love her and vise versa.
I know my husband loves me because he took me down there several times to see her in the hospital. Our relationship is better because I accepted him doing this. I hate to drive in Dallas traffic!
He also put up with me. Yep I'm hard to live with at times and I can admit that. The name James should mean rock and not substitute.
My relationship with my mother is better because she worried with me. Yep worry. Some of the old me came back during this time and took over for a bit. But I soon realized I couldn't worry anymore. It had to be concern because that is something you can proactively do something about. It's thinking with your head and not your heart so much.
The first few weeks after she came home it was slow going but, these things take time. It's not in my time, her husband's time or even Tammy's time. That is in the hands of our Creator. Slowly she built back up and now she's doing amazing. We went too do some errands a few days ago and had lunch. She was well enough today to go with me to El Pueblo and have lunch. She even picked me up! She has no restrictions save lifting I believe.
It could have been much worse. I'm not going there. I just want our Creator, my friends here on LV and Tammy to know how much I love them, appreicate them and I know now. Some people are put into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. For I have been blessed with all three in you my friends, Tammy and the love of our Creator! My life would be very unhappy and down right dismal! I love you all and For my Sister of the Heart, You are my heart and my touchstone. Blessings to all, Love, Rose | | | | 48 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | When Life Gives You Lemons.....Ask For Tequila and Salt and Call Me! | | | | Tuesday, January 20, 2009 (8:05 PM) | | The other day my best friend and sister by heart Isabella82 put a graphic on my channel that said. "When Life Gives you Lemons ask for Tequila and Salt and Call Me!" I know it's supposed to be limes but I thought it a really cool quote or saying. So true these days. Though out most of Christmas and a really sucky New Year for both of us for different reasons, I at least tried to maintain my cool.
First of all I got an ear infection right before Christmas. I went to see the doc and she gave me Cipro both oral and ear drops. Well, three days after I had ears that looked burned! A rash appeared and started spreading just about everywhere. So I stopped it and started taking another antibiotic. You guessed it it enhanced what I had already recieved from the other one! At several intervals during this time I lost hearing in both or one ear. It came and went and still continues. Now I find out the Mt. Cedar pollen is 1800 grains per cubic foot here where I live. When I go outside it's like razor blades on my skin. I can't go outside because of this and the fact the antibiotic made me light sensitive! Yeah.......I'm a friggin' mess right now. I'm very agitated and agrivated! Plus I am trying to keep cool still. It works for a little while mind you. This is why I haven't said much or been here much except for updating you on Tammy's condition. Which leads us to New Years Day 2009.
After a it is what it is holiday season and it wasn't too bad with the rash at that point. Hubbie and I were saying that 2009 would be a great year and that we leave everything behind in 2008 that was negative. Crap no it followed us and Tammy too. I had lay down for a nap not feeling too sporty on New Years Day about noon. Tammy called but James said that I was really feeling bad and that he would have me call her soon as I got up. She said ok. Then she called back and said she had the worst headache of her life. She didn't ask him to do anything and unfortunantly we didn't pick up on her distress. But I called her as soon as I got up which wasn't long after I got down to take a nap. Something was bothering me. I knew something was up but I didn't know who. When I called her she had already called her husband and they were going to the hospital. 6 hours later Art called us saying they Care Flighted her to Dallas and that she had an aneursym!
Needless to say we both had enough on our plates. Separtly of course. In the first few hours after we knew I asked for our Creator to protect her and that Raphael heal her. Raphael is an arch angle over healing and medicine. The Caduseis or medical ensignia docs and chiros wear is the Arch Angel Rapheal. Anyway, to make a long story short. She survived. She's getting back to normal or what will be normal for her.Ok so what is normal anway? For me it could be a long while. Up to 2 to 6 months before the effects of this shit wears off from my system. What's worse is I can't do what I want to do for her. That is go and see her and have some time with her. We all got a second chance with her. I don't want to waste it. We do keep in touch on the phone. But I did promise her Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, Tuna Salad and Cheetos. All stuff we had as kids. Actually, I know there is a reason we are being held hostage and divided. I believe it is to let us handle our own shit separtely and when it's time again to handle it together.....we will because it has been that way for almost 37 years come February. Now how do I remember that? When we met there were valentines and Abe Lincoln on the bulletin board. I don't remember the exact date though.
Anyway, If you see me here please stop by or PM me. Right now I'm spending a lot of time alone. The side effects are making me nuts and I desire some conversation to keep my mind off the itching. My husband has threatened to declaw me and get a Elizabethan Collar like cats and dogs wear to keep them from scratching! He's working longer hours now with no extra pay because of cut backs in overtime. He's got a crazy schedual. But, I know this too shall pass...like gas in the wind. I want to thank you for being my friends and also for supporting me and Tammy thoughout this very trying time for all of us....that includes you too my friends. I know all this crap is gonna one day subside for all of us and when we do........Pass Tammy and Me the Tequila and Salt. There are pleanty of lemons or limes about to make margaritas! Many Blessings with love Rose | | | | 68 Views | 8 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
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| | Finding The Holiday Spirit Or Spirit In The Holiday's | | | Monday, December 22, 2008 (11:24 AM)
(I'm feeling happy) | | I've been amazed lately where and how I have found the holiday spirit. It's been in little places no one thinks of. It's a smile from a stranger. A hug from a dear one (related or not) a cuddle from your pet, just to name a few.
Yesterday after a rather exhausting and a little exasperating shopping. I've noticed a lot of grinch like behavior around here too....my husband and I decided to have a very late lunch at a Chinese place on the parkway. It's one we have been too many times. The people are wonderful and the food always fresh and good. I know that is amazing with so many buffets cropping up and all. The China Star ROCKS!
We were greeted warmly on a very cold day and took our seats not noticing much but the smell of the food and how quickly we could get plates filled. Upon sitting down I realized that something was oddly familiar. I didn't ponder on it and started in on my egg drop soup and noodles. I was famished! Then, as I had finished I got the same feeling. Warm, happy, familiar and took a little time to start digesting not only the meal but what was going on with me.
Then I listened to the music being played. Do You Hear What I Hear came on. Something in that just set my heart aglow! Something in my past was calling too me. Something from many Christmas's Past.
As I ate the feeling grew and grew! Boundless happiness and familiaratity! The food was so good, the place warm and welcoming, the music filling my heart because I figured it out! The music was from my past! The singers from the 50's and 60's. Tony Bennett, Perry Como, Burl Ives, Nat King Cole and Julie Andrews! Yep, song I had grown up hearing on the old stero my father had built from a kit! I was making contact with Christmas Past to heal Christmas Present and Future!
In a Chinese Resturant on the 21st of December, 2008 I healed a lot of heartache, unrealistic expectations and found the true meaning of the season. For in my heart lives people, places and circumstances that needed healing after years of not dealing with them all. This year I have found that what is in your heart matters most. I am thankful for all the wonderful things I have gotten over the years. The people that enriched my life. Although, my father and grandmother have passed. It's what they left in my heart that matters, which is a lot. Love, happiness, caring to name but a few. I'm greatful for all of it. Good, Bad or indifferent it all matters and it's what you do with it that matters most. I choose a light path and try to meash good and bad and indifferent together to make a healthy happy outcome. That is magick for sure! So I have learned something. I have learned a lot. To put the past what ever it is behind me lovingly, positively and look toward a wonderful happy future and live in the present. The present being fleeting so live with gusto! In the blink of an eye it will be the past!
I also wanted to make reference to the movie, A Christmas Story. The one about the little boy that wanted a bee bee gun for Christmas. At the end of the story the family feast was eaten by a pack of neighbor dogs and they had to go to a Chinese place and have duck for Christmas. It really didn't matter they were all together. That is another true meaning of the season. To prize what and who you have and let go with peace love and light what you don't and who you don't. It all happens for a reason and someday, when you least expect it. You'll know why, what and smile. I just wanted you to know I know what Ralphies family did. Also you get your answers and reasons in mysterious ways and me getting what I did from eating at the China Star was not only timely but very much needed! Happy Holidays To Everyone! Love, Rose
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| | The Magick of the Holiday Season and How I Was Touched Today | | | Monday, December 15, 2008 (2:31 PM)
(I'm feeling happy) | | No matter what you call this holiday season seems like everyone has a different take on it. There is Christmas, Hannika, Yule, Ramadon (I hope I got that right) to name a few. No matter what you call it or the sugnificants to you let it mean every bit of what you believe.
I grew up Christian. I never had to worry about if Santa was going to come or not. I got what I wanted and more so than most. I was an only child. What got me this year I believe is that I put up a tree for the first time in 20 years in the living room. Yes, that is 20 years. I had a bad thing about Christmas the last 20 or so. That no longer applies now. We had set it up in the bedroom for a couple of years. Using the beautiful chereished ornaments that were breakable. Fearing our cats would break every single one. This year we put up our tree the day after Thanksgiving using ornaments from the dollar store that if our little darlin's got frisky that it wouldn't matter. The tree hasn't been touched nor ornaments messed with. I know shere luck.
As I was watching the tree one day a week or so ago something happened to me. I realized that there were no gifts under the tree and I began to get depressed. Then I thought for a moment. No gifts so what! I have everything except printer ink that I need. So does hubby. We are giving his folks and my mother our time to do little things next year plus some Brams gift certificats. We got toys for tots. I also got what I wanted in the form of peace and quite from the neighbors and that is all I asked for or could want. I wanted my life back and better than it was and that is happening. Also on freecycle.com I met others that weren't going to be able to have santa come this year. I got busy putting things together for a 9 year old gal and a one year old boy. What I didn't know was in doing that a miricale happened!
In getting the coats out of the closet I was greeted with coats coming at me! Yep stuffed full of things I never wore or where too big. When the young mother came for the toys today she didn't have a coat! It was like 29 degrees outside with her with no coat! I went to the closet and found one that was far too big for me and took it to her. She put it on and it just fit! I was so glad! My heart was filling up fast! We talked a bit and I helped her out to her car with the gifts for her kids. She hugged me and wished me a Merry Christmas. I said you are welcome and Merry Christmas to you too.
But that was not the end of my very positive and wonderful day. A woman wanted the olive green coat that I had. I bought it when I was one size and didn't fit when it was cold again. I tried it on and put it on freecycle.com There were three that wanted it. One lady being really rude not saying thank you and she wanted my address! The other one just didn't say much. The third one saying Thank you either way and that she did need it badly. I got in touch with the lady that needed it badly and she said she was coming to get it. What I didn't know is that I knew her from my prayer group! She rounded the corner and said my name as I did her and said it's a small world! She came in and the coat fit! I was pleased and she was happy having one of course. This just has filled my heart even more!
I have been very blessed all my life that when I needed something I had it. Also I get in crap and come out smelling like a rose. But anyway, I wanted to share my little touch of The magickal holiday season with you. See I had presents under that tree. They are not under my tree. Christmas morning 5 kids will get something from Santa. Two women that didn't have will have a coat. Oh and those 5 kids take the place this year of my 4 lost little ones and the son my husband was forced to give up. So we are blessed. The presents do not matter however; as long as you have compassion in your heart not just now but all year long and practice what your beliefs say you will find magick in this time of year! Without presents even! Right now I couldn't be happier. Right now I couldn't feel more blessed. Happy Holidays and Many Blessings to you all. Love, Rose
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| | Signs | | | Sunday, December 7, 2008 (5:18 PM)
(I'm feeling happy) | | When you loose someone to death most believe that is that. You never hear from them again. Until you, yourself pass on. Well, I'm here to tell ya that isn't intirely true.
This last year has been a hard one in a lot of respects for me and my family. We lost our matriach. My Grandmother who was 98 years old died on April 29. For myself it wasn't as hard as it was for my mother. I see death as a transition to another life. This is not how I was taught at the beginning of my life. I was taught to grieve and be an emotional wreck over it. But when my father died I gained knowledge. Being that it's just a transition and the love really does transend death. I gained understanding from my grandmother's death. Being that all life has to end in this world but not nessesarly end forever. Mamaw as we called her was a very hard willed lady. She struggled most of her life and she did struggle with her death. Something I don't plan on doing however; when it comes time best to just accept it and go and start your new work. But that is me. Each person has to do what and how they see fit for themselves. It's just easier for me this way.
At any rate about 12 years ago give or take, Mamaw gave me some beautiful mum plants she had saved from the farm she had down near Commerce Texas. I remember them vividly from my childhood and wanted to try and propegate them at my house. I was given 4 hearty plants. Over the years I had tried to get them to do something.......ANYTHING! All they did was die! Except one little scraggly plant. It kept truckin' on looking puny, tried to die many times and I had almost given up hope of it ever doing anything.
Last spring after she died I put new dirt in around it. Loaded it down with Miricale Grow and watered it religously. I hadn't really noticed that it was springing to life though the summer since I had other matters next door dogging me. I survived that and so did that one little mum plant that was diving into more stems and growing a wonderful shade of green!
About October I noticed that the now very large healthy plant was actually almost ready to bloom two or three blooms! I was excided! I could almost hear my grandmother saying hey and how are you with I'm doing great and so will you! Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Do what you were put here for.
I talked with my mother some time ago about all this. I was so exicted talking to her about how I felt about the mums and the sign I had gotten from Mamaw. All I got from her was I hope so and she began to cry. I felt bad but not for long because Mother came to the house to drop something off about the first of November. "Oh Mother Look! Look at Mamaw's Mums. Can't you see she is saying she is ok and happy and that we should be too?" She looked at me and looked at the mums. "Mother?" She said and started to cry. "Yes Mother." I said. "She is talking to us though the mums." "You know I believe she is." My mother said. "I really want to believe that." "Then Do Mother." I said with a smile. "Life is what you make of it despite what happens. You can take it to a place of darkeness or a place of light. Mamaw is in a place of light and she wants us to find ours here. That's what she is saying though her flowers.
My mother however is still pondering on this. But I don't have to ponder. With Mamaw's death I gained understanding. Death doesn't have to be like what I was taught. In fact Mamaw kind of taught me here on earth that horrible way. In her death......she took me to her place of light and let me stand with her......though the flowers that almost died many times over. They have gone back but new plants are shooting up and will make it though the winter with a blanket of leaves I leave in the flower beds. I really hope this helps other with grief. It took me a long time to get to this place but, now I wouldn't have it any other way. Many Blessings to you and yours. Love to all, Rose
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