|
|
 |
|
| | finally sang normal-like and other musings... | | | Tuesday, July 15, 2008 (12:46 PM)
(I'm feeling calm) | | After having gone through a few bouts of illness, the last of which still remains a complete mystery to two local ENTS and my GP, I finally sang Sunday like what felt pretty damn close to normal. At my church gig I sang the Pergolesi Stabat Mater, first movement, and it felt really good. After going through so much mental and emotional agony about losing my voice and losing a month of work, it felt so good to sing with what seemed like a healthy voice. That took months.
But...that period in my life caused me to take time and slow down. It also pushed me to look inward and to realize that me losing my voice could have also been symbolic (think Louise Hay's "You Can Heal your Body") for things that I was not willing to admit about myself or things that I was not able to say to someone else. My throat was holding all of those things hostage and then...my voice was gone...both literally and figuratively for some time.
We cannot go through life not doing or pursuing the things that we are passionate about. When we stifle our creativity and our "voice" we lose a part of ourselves. Most of the time it doesn't manifest itself in such an obvious way as mine did. (voice=needing to say something) Perhaps for others, ulcers form. I feel fortunate that I was in a position to be able to speak my truths at least to the people closest to me. That was a gift.
Also, my sickness caused me to start painting. I got some acrylics and canvases, paper, brushes and just started to let my feelings and frustrations come out. (see previous blogs) But now...I'm taking it a step further and I'm in a painting class. I've never taken any formal art classes but I've always been able to draw and use photography to express myself. It's very cool to be able to learn how to equally express that with paint. I think I'm going to be painting for a long time. The class is fun and it is the sole thing in my life that I can do with wild abandon and not be criticized for!!! *smile* Expression is going to continue to come out in this way...I feel it.
And...I finally journalled about Jinx and what he has meant to me over the past 17 years. Most people would think that I had lost a child...and that was what he was to me. It was a good catharsis to write all of my feelings about everything down on paper. It felt different than making the video. I just wanted to write down all of the quirky and fun things that I loved about him before I started to forget the details.
So, summer is here and everything is so much more calm compared to my usual schedule. I so wanted to audition for another show at the Players but having just got my voice back I thought I'd better take it slow. Maybe sometime in the future. Doing that show, to this day, remains the most fun that I've ever had...and I had a bit part. I found a family of people there that were of like minds and open and experimental. They put it all out there and just went for it. It inspired me to do the same in all of my other endeavors. I'll forever be grateful for having had that experience for it opened a gate that will never close. The theatre is magical! If I didn't work nights singing, I would be auditioning for all kinds of stuff...especially musicals. Candide was fantastic.
...and so it goes... | | | 28 Views | 6  Thumbs Up | 3 Comments |  |
|
|
| | Remembering Jinx | | | Friday, June 27, 2008 (11:13 AM)
(I'm feeling sad) | | Wednesday we buried my beloved Jinx and today I'm numb. Jinx recently was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor that was inoperable for many reasons especially since he was 17. I was so grateful that he died peacefully here at home with all of us present with him. We kept telling him how much we loved him and that we understood that he needed to let go and leave this plane. The candles were lit in the room and it was a moment that I will never ever forget.
As I walk around the house in a daze I keep expecting to see him in all the familiar places. My heart has a huge hole in it and even though my head knows that this will lessen with every day, my heart can't quite seem to grasp that he is gone. Yet, I walk back to the grave that we have made for him of rocks and flowers and a tiny angel-winged kitten headstone and know that it is most certainly real.
My relationship with Jinx was the longest relationship that I've ever had with anyone and he has been with me through so much over the past 17 years. His love was never ending and his feisty nature and stoic self enriched my life in a way that will never ever be forgotten. I love and miss him so very much.
| | | | 114 Views | 20 Thumbs Up | 13 Comments | |
|
|
| | It's all about breakfast! | | | Thursday, May 15, 2008 (6:30 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | |
A particular blonde ball of fur named Wolfie:
has resorted to incredibly varied tactics to wake me up at the crack of dawn. So far he has come up with these:
*Standing next to my head and meowing directly (the blunt approach)
*Pawing at the curtains above my head
*Annoying my other cat who is trying to sleep soundly also on my pillow
*Chewing on my fingers if I dare have them outside the covers
*Chewing my hair
*Licking my skin or the covers...whatever is more convenient
*Jumping onto the tall dresser and stretching paws and claws on the wall
*Attempting to open the closet door (my other cat has shown this to him and he still doesn't get it)
*Playing with the decorative rocks in the bathroom
*Scratching on the mirror in the bathroom (think nails down a chalkboard)
During some mornings, he will attempt all of the above until I finally cannot take it any longer and, with no hope of ever falling back to sleep, get out of bed all too early.
So this morning as I lay there before rising I really had an epiphany...my mornings are all about BREAKFAST!
After getting up, I stand tiredly in the kitchen concocting my cat's breakfast, grated carrot and all.
While they are eating, I walk yawning into the garage, slip on my sandals and proceed to feed the squirrels and birds. My favorite squirrel (who I've affectionately named pirate due to his one good eye) comes and greets me every morning. Goddess forbid I am late getting out there because one morning there was a squirrel waiting on the stoop when I opened the door. Mutiny would surely ensue!
After that, is the people breakfast which, gratefully, is a team effort in our house...
Guess I never realized how much my world revolves around preparing food!
Thank goodness for COFFEE!!! ...what's for lunch? | | | | 85 Views | 10 Thumbs Up | 5 Comments | |
|
|
| | Full Moon Blessings to you... | | | Sunday, April 20, 2008 (7:30 AM)
(I'm feeling hopeful) | | a poem that has touched a place in me that I wanted to share with other lovers of the moon...
Alone and Drinking Under the Moon
Amongst the flowers I
am alone with my pot of wine
drinking by myself; then lifting
my cup I asked the moon
to drink with me, its reflection
and mine in the wine cup, just
the three of us; then I sigh
for the moon cannot drink,
and my shadow goes emptily along
with me never saying a word;
with no other friends here, I can
but use these two for company;
in the time of happiness, I
too must be happy with all
around me; I sit and sing
and it is as if the moon
accompanies me; then if I
dance, it is my shadow that
dances along with me; while
still not drunk, I am glad
to make the moon and my shadow
into friends, but then when
I have drunk too much, we
all part; yet these are
friends I can always count on
these who have no emotion
whatsoever; I hope that one day
we three will meet again,
deep in the Milky Way.
-----Li Po
| | | | 93 Views | 8 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
|
|
| | Another Week: no speak/no sing | | | Saturday, April 19, 2008 (6:43 AM)
(I'm feeling confused) | | I guess it's time to elevate this whole process to a new level...we're not messing around this time.
Prognosis--Well, three weeks of "less speaking/singing" didn't do the trick. My vocal chords are still swollen. After another appointment with the ENT yesterday morning, we're going to phase two: steroids and one solid week of total vocal rest. It pained me very much to hear this but doc is convinced that the steroids (Methylprednisolone) will do the trick and I've been waiting long enough for it to happen by itself. The most I have been able to sing is one hour and that's it. No good!
Work--After cancelling lessons, recitals, services, etc. I am preparing for a week of introspection, painting, more gardening and silence. Luckily, my husband was able to bail me out of one gig. We were supposed to sing a duet that my friend wrote for her recital at school (composition major) and he is going to be able to sing it as a solo. It broke my heart to think of disappointing her in that way and I'm so glad that it is going to work out as a solo.
Painting--I have these wicked images in my head that I hope I can translate to a canvas. Last night I painted a person in a red cape walking down a forest road with no end in sight. That is how I felt last night---desolate and no end to this cycle. I'm more hopeful this morning.
Music--Play more piano now that I can't sing. At least I can still make music that way. Maybe I'll listen to more music this week. Now there's a concept.
Introspection--It's weird, this process. Take a singer's voice away and all kinds of crazy crap comes to the surface. What am I missing? What is the universe telling me? STOP STOP STOP! Okay, I've stopped...and then? Who knows. Maybe this week will be enlightening. Maybe some good videos will come out of this. I wish I knew what the goddess has in mind. Alas, I'm still patient...it's time to sit under the Bo tree and wait...
| | | | 96 Views | 8 Thumbs Up | 5 Comments | |
|
|
| | There Is a Place Beyond Ambition by Mary Oliver/some thoughts of my own as well | | | Thursday, April 17, 2008 (12:58 PM)
(I'm feeling contemplative) | | As I continue to struggle with my voice having not returned fully yet, this poem is speaking to me right now and I thought I'd share it. A big thank you again to my friend Hol for telling me that this book was coming out. I love it.
-----------------------------------
There Is a Place Beyond Ambition
When the flute players
couldn't think of what to say next
they laid down their pipes,
then they lay down themselves
beside the river
and just listened.
Some of them, after a while,
jumped up
and disappeared back inside the busy town.
But the rest--
so quiet, not even thoughtful--
are still there,
still listening.
----Mary Oliver
--------------------------------
I am still laying by the river listening. I have not rushed back to town. My voice is still songless save for here and there, bits and pieces.
I'm listening and a scary part of me is not wanting to speak.
The river continues to rush by...as does the time I need to prepare my songs...sigh... | | | | 111 Views | 8 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
|
|
| | paint, painting, painted...will paint again | | | Saturday, April 12, 2008 (6:17 PM)
(I'm feeling creative) | | So after excavating the closet to retrieve the easel for that little bit on my eclectic days of beauty vid, I decided to keep the easel out and have some fun.
This evening while nibbling on some rosemary crackers and cheese slices, I sat on the lanai and envisioned where I'd like to be right at that moment. In my mind's eye I saw my beloved mountains, a lake, a dock, a log cabin...a place that I had been to before in Colorado when I lived there eons ago. I wanted to bring that place to life. There was the easel...still sitting there, lonely...no canvas...no painter.
Not having a clue as to what I was doing, I got out my brushes and just began to paint. I really need to take some basic classes or something but no matter. I wanted to try and create what I saw. My mind's eye saw it perfectly but getting it to transfer to the canvas was a whole other challenge. Something interesting happened as I began to paint...some things began to get clearer and others fuzzier. The posts for the dock all of a sudden came to be but then my lake went gollywhompas (technical term!). Where is Bob Ross when you need him?
It's very freeing though...putting paint on a canvas with no clue as to what one is doing. Just doing it is fun. So, here's the start of something that I've wanted to do for a while. It is perfect timing too...in two months, my work will drop to less than half and time will be on my side (thanks Mick).
Now if I could only figure out how to start that log cabin!! It's okay...I need to go over my music for tomorrow anyhow...la la la la
| | | | 100 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
|
|
| | That's it! I'm just going to be a gardener... | | | Tuesday, April 1, 2008 (4:46 PM)
(I'm feeling annoyed) | | The universe must not want me to sing right now. So, I think I'm going to plant something today. My garden is in shambles because of all the gigs and work that has been on my plate since January. The universe knows that when I'm upset about something that I find my solace in the garden (or baking bread which is going to be next!).
May with every weed that I extract, along with it, a germie bug that is terrorizing my vocal chords. With my tilling of the soil, may I mix up the stress that is accompanying whatever is going on with me healthwise. May with the herb seeds that enter the soil, my voice rejuvenate and grow into a healthy column of song. There is nothing else I can do but wait. Every day I "water" with tea, honey and lemon and I wait. I check for sprouting daily but nothing emerges. The ground of my vocal chords is frozen like winter. All I can do is wait. The Mahler is going to come and pass me by while taking with it my heart that has practiced this for months...the tears almost flow but there is something keeping me calm.
A friend of mine said something really out of left field to me the other day when I wrote her about what was going on with my voice. She said:
"Is there something you've been wanting to say to someone and haven't been able to? Something pretty important?"
I believe in things manifesting in other ways that just represent them in a symbolic, non-obvious way. This really got me to thinking. I'm not a shy person by any means and usually express myself in some way that eludes to or blatently spells out how I'm feeling. Perhaps I express myself too openly and too much and the universe is stopping me from making a fool out of myself. I don't know. Either way...I'm paying attention.
The voice will return...it's only a matter of when. If I miss this Mahler (which is almost definite considering I have a sore throat today and a fever!) then I will live. It would be better to miss this concert run than totally destroy my voice trying to sing...there are no solos in this concert for me so it wouldn't be the end of the world. My solo work doesn't start back up for two more months..surely by then I'll be able to sing. I must by then.
Silently, I walk to the garden and start to dig....
| | | | 94 Views | 8 Thumbs Up | 5 Comments | |
|
|
| | Health update! | | | Friday, March 28, 2008 (4:26 PM)
(I'm feeling contemplative) | | After losing my voice on Sunday after a hellacious singing week, I thought that some rest was going to do the trick and that I'd be up and running in just a few days. So, I didn't talk for two days (yes, I took a pad and paper everywhere) and sat out during rehearsals. I tried to vocalize but had some weird air accompanying the tone. Something was wrong and it got me nervous.
Today I went to an E.N.T. and got "scoped!" That was a new experience. When I first saw the length of the chord that was going to go down my nose and into my throat I thought "how is that all going down there"...hehe
It didn't hurt but just felt a little strange. The good news is that I don't have any polyps on my chords so I didn't do any real damage. But, my chords are swollen still and that is what is making that accompanying air sound come through. He doesn't want me singing until Monday (thank goodness I have Sunday off). I'm not going to sing at temple tonight either.
There's a twist to this too...he saw foamy stuff in my esophagus and after talking with me extensively about my diet and experiences with talking (which I've had a problem with for a long time--not being able to talk a lot at one time) he has pretty much affirmed that I have what is called Silent Acid Reflux...at least a little. I've never had any stomach problems and pretty much have a stomach of steel but some acid is getting up there that shouldn't be there. He said that is probably what has caused the hoarseness, clearing the throat a lot, etc. He also said that that is probably what has caused me NOT to have chords of steel and that I may end up singing a LOT better after the acid thing stops happening. I told him I was up for that! He did say though that that foamy stuff would not be there unless there was acid present.
So, the dreaded medication subject comes into play and I tell him that I'm not a fan of medicine at all. I asked if there was a way to change my diet and he told me some stuff to cut back on but there wasn't much to pick from. I have one cup of coffee in the morning so that wasn't a problem. I don't drink juice except with accompanying fruit. I do have one glass of wine at night and I'm going to cut back on that and not have it with dinner at night.
He gave me the medication and said to just try it for the three weeks and see what happens. It is called Protonix. Anyone familiar with this? Please give me your feedback and experiences if you have time. I go back in three weeks. At least I don't have any damage to my chords and if I wouldn't have sung so much over the past week would have never even known about the acid thing since I have not had heartburn or indigestion or anything that I am aware of. We'll see. One step at a time. All I know is that I can't sing until next week.
So, that was probably way more than you even wanted to know but I wanted to fill you in | | | | 91 Views | 8 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
|
|
| | My most difficult (emotionally) video went up today...For Ron | | | Thursday, March 27, 2008 (7:36 AM)
(I'm feeling melancholy) | | As my involvement in the extension of the original "21 days of Beauty" (that CallMeHol is a genious and such an amazingly beautiful soul) comes to a close tomorrow, I put up the video today that has been the most difficult one for me so far...emotionally speaking. The entire time that I worked on the footage and every viewing after has brought me to tears.
Ron...I miss you. I miss you but you are present again; I can feel it. It has been almost 14 years yet the tears sometimes still flow uncontrollably whenever I hear a Beatles song. I wish that you were still here to be the brother that I'd love to have in my life as I get older. You were 36. You were eccentric, a musical genious, an inhabitor of another plane always apart from this one even when alive, and my big brother. You show up here from time to time. I see you and I know you know that. You visit me when I'm at low points, when I'm struggling musically, and now when I have lost my voice. You visit me to remind me to keep pushing forward, to not give up on myself and to play the music that you would have played had you still been here now. Are you and Jimi hanging out, bro? Perhaps Jim, too? You instilled in me Jimi, Jim, James, Janis...I see a trend here and most of all John...our beloved John Lennon. He changed my life and you were the one that taught me the philosophy of John Lennon. I was never the same.
I heard "Let it Be" the other day and began to sob uncontrollably. The second the song started, you were there in my consciousness. Thank you for not leaving me...not really. You are in my music always. I love you.
This sunset is for you.
| | | | 96 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
