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| | Enjoy the ride;There is no return ticket | | | Wednesday, September 3, 2008 (9:33 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into ! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?But do share th is with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting
'...holy ...what a ride!'
| | | 14 Views | 4  Thumbs Up | 2 Comments |  |
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| | THOSE BORN 1920-1970 | | | Sunday, August 31, 2008 (8:39 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | Those Born 1920-1970
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, no t to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts, or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes. No video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers , problem solvers, and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them... CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
for our own good .
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us...pass this ON!
| | | | 14 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | TheBlondMortician | | | Thursday, August 28, 2008 (10:08 AM)
(I'm feeling jubilant) | | A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife
how she would like the body dressed. She points out
that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her
husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him
in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank
check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous
blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him
perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm
very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very
grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment,
the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,
an d he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked
his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a
black suit instead, and she said it made no difference
as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)
| | | | 11 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | Learn to laugh it off.... | | | Saturday, August 23, 2008 (8:40 AM)
(I'm feeling determined) | | Laugh it off and live longer
Without humor and laughter life would be pretty darn bleak. Laughter not only makes life better, it makes it easier by lightening our load. While it's not a cure-all, laughter and a sense of humor can help us get through challenging and difficult times - from mistakes, misfires and mishaps to break-ups, illness and even the loss of a loved one. Laughter is like a balm. It may not take the wounds away, but it sure helps soothe them. If we didn't have laughter, we'd be in quite a predicament.
So it's a lucky thing that one of the first parts of the infant brain to activate is what in layman's terms we call the smile center. There's nothing quite as amazing as seeing how soon after birth a baby will start to smile. It takes just a few weeks for us to begin doing what will eventually lead to laughter, joy, release and relaxation!
Vitamin L
Laughter is healthy on all levels. A hearty laugh can help reduce stress, lower blood pressure, elevate mood, boost the immune system, improve brain function and may even decrease the risk of heart attack. Laughter feels good for a variety of reasons. It involves most of the body's systems - our muscles, respiration, heart, body temperature and central nervous system. When we laugh heartily, stress hormones decrease. Endorphins (our body's natural pain killers) are released. After a good laugh, our blood pressure falls briefly to below normal levels, which helps to give us a feeling of relaxation and satisfaction.
Laughter is contagious
Having a sense of humor and inviting a lot of laughter into our lives is not only one of the easiest and most enjoyable ways to take care of our bodies, it's also one of the keys to building happy and healthy relationships in the workplace, at home and out in the larger social circuit. Laughter naturally draws people together. Laughing together creates memories and builds bonds. It unites us and heals us mentally, physically and emotionally.
Is everyone at work under the pressure of a tight deadline? There's no better way to help alleviate stress than to use some humor. Your coworkers will appreciate you for it, and it might even increase the quality of everyone's work.
One of the "number one" qualities people cite for falling and staying in love is the ability to laugh together. How many times have you heard someone say, "I love him because he makes me laugh." Those who laugh together are more likely to stay together. Laughing makes everyone feel good. If you can give the gift of laughter to those around you, they'd be crazy not to love you for it!
Let's not be serious
A good sense of humor when it comes to oneself is another great asset. Though we may strive to be perfect, the truth is none of us are. We all have flaws and, from time to time, we make errors or find ourselves in uncomfortable situations. Being able to laugh things off is a way of being gentle with and accepting of ourselves. Take, for example, a close friend who is pregnant for the first time. She's used to feeling slim and glamorous, so the changes in her body have been traumatic. In her final two weeks of pregnancy, she humorously refers to herself as a baby whale, a comparison which immediately lets us know that even in her uncomfortable state, she can at least make fun of her own predicament, while making light of her own vanity. It not only helps alleviate the stress on her body, but it helps her communicate and share the very human experience of feeling fat with others.
When we can take ourselves a bit less seriously, it enables us to view our lives in context. While it's tempting to tackle the world and drive ourselves to take responsibility for every little thing - in the end, this kind of attitude can be counter-productive. We all need to blow off steam, and being less serious is one way to do it. After all, sometimes when one focuses too much on a certain outcome, it actually makes it more difficult to achieve. It's when we mellow out and deal constructively with stress through humor that our chances for success often increase.
Laughing matters
Want to create more opportunities for laughter in your life? There's no harm in seeking humor out. You can balance serious art film watching with a few raucous comedies. Will Farrell, anyone? There are also quite of few comic authors out there. Check out books by Beth Lisick, David Sedaris and Jill Solloway. You might even consider going to a comedy club or theater. Seek out the funny people in your life, and when in social situations, try asking, "So have you seen any funny movies lately" or "What's the funniest thing that's ever happened to you?"
One of the easiest ways to bring more humor into your life is to smile more. Smiling can open the flood gates of laughter. Dress with more attention to playfulness. How long has it been since you played with a toy? Try keeping a few around. Better yet, spend some time with children. When it comes to laughter and taking things lightly, they are the experts! Finally, if you want to put a smile on your face, begin by counting your blessings. Try making a list of all the good things in your life. And lastly, when you hear the music of laughter, head straight for it. | | | | 18 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | TheMaleBrainExplained.... | | | Wednesday, August 20, 2008 (4:12 PM)
(I'm feeling curious) | | The Male Brain, Explained
By Laura Schaefer
Women have puzzled over it for years—why the heck do men do the things they do? Why do they profess their love for you one minute, then ignore you the next (say, when an Attila the Hun special turns up on TV)? Why can they not remember our birthdays? Let science explain some of these conundrums—and help you rev up your relationships!
The hippocampus, where initial memories are formed, occupies a smaller percent of the male brain than the female brain. If on your first date he can't remember where you work, even though you told him all about it when you met, just remember that size matters … hippocampus size, that is. Don't take it personally. (Oh, and don't be surprised when, months down the line, he has no clue you've just changed your hair.)
Don't expect him to get hints
Have a crush on him? You may have to put it out there, because men aren't as skilled at women at reading subtle emotional cues. As Dr. Larry Cahill of the University of California at Irvine puts it, "We have been assuming that the ways in which emotions are organized in the brain are essentially similar in men and women," but they aren't. Parts of the limbic cortex, which is involved in emotional responses, are smaller in men than in women. Additionally, scientists at McMaster University have found that guys have a smaller density of neurons in areas of the temporal lobe that deal with language processing. That's why it's probably a good idea to tell him straight-up how you're feeling ("I'm kind of hurt that you forgot I hate sushi"). Expecting him to infer from your hints could leave both of you scratching your heads.
Don't take conversation lulls personally
Fact is, guys in general just aren't as verbally adept as women are. Large parts of the cortex — the brain's outer layer that does a big part of recognizing and using subtle language cues — are thinner in men than they are in women. A study led by Dr. Godfrey Pearlson of Johns Hopkins University has shown that two areas in the frontal and temporal lobes that play an important role in language processing are significantly smaller in men. Using MRIs, the Johns Hopkins scientists measured gray matter volumes in several brain regions in 17 females and 43 males. Women had 23 percent more volume than men in the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex and 13 percent more volume than men in the superior temporal cortex. "Women," explains Dr. Cahill, "excel in being able to come up with appropriate words, given cues." Men — not so much. Don't expect him to chatter with you on dates with the skill of a girlfriend, and don't assume he's not interested in you if he occasionally lets the conversation lapse. Think of it this way: He's simply basking in moments of quiet companionship.
Appreciate his naturally upbeat nature
Does he seem to be "up" most of the time? It's not your imagination: Male brains produce 52 percent more serotonin (the chemical that influences mood) than female brains, according to a study done at McGill University. And studies show that fewer men than women suffer from depression. Guys may also have an easier time rolling with life's big stresses. If he tells you he recently lost his golden lab or suffered a job loss and doesn't get all teary, it doesn't mean he's heartless; rather, he has healthy stores of serotonin.
Don't expect his take on your relationship history to match yours
He may be incapable of seeing your shared past the way you do. Brain images have started to show that men and women use their brains in vastly different ways. For example, women use the left part of the amygdala — the part of the brain that creates emotional reactions to events — to put memories in order by emotional strength, meaning that something emotionally important to them (like a great first date a couple of months ago) will be ordered in front of what they ate for breakfast yesterday. Men, however, use the right part of the amygdala to put memories in order. Traditionally, the right hemisphere of the brain is associated with the central action of an event, while the left hemisphere is associated with finer details. Translation: You'll both remember your first date, but he might not remember the color of your sweater or the light rain that was falling that night. It doesn't mean he was checked out; it just means he's a guy.
Remember his brain is his largest sex organ
In males of several species including humans, the preoptic area of the hypothalamus is greater in volume, in cross-sectional area and in the number of cells. In men, this area is more than two times larger than in women, and it contains twice as many cells. And what, say you, does this have to do with the horizontal mambo? Plenty. This area of the hypothalamus is in charge of mating behavior.
This small structure connects to the pituitary gland, which releases sex hormones. So if your bf wants to get intimate all the time and you feel like Ms. Low Desire, remember: You're just experiencing normal, brain-based differences.
| | | | 14 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | Make Someone Laugh.. | | | Wednesday, August 20, 2008 (8:16 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one
morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a
savings account and insisted on talking to the president of
the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is
always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the
president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted
to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
'$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her
how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly
woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of
bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000
that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it
was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet
you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But
given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I
would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning
with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said
the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the
bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining
his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them
over again and a gain until he was positive that no one
could consider his testicles as square and reassuring
himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly
woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer
and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that
the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the
one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see
clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of
course', said the president. 'Given the amount of
money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly
the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head
against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was
doing that and s h e replied, 'Oh, it's probably
because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the
morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the
Bank of Canada !'
The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it
brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks
the chain would definitely be unlucky.
Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just
forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good
luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four
days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck
during the four days.
Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on! | | | | 15 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | PUT ON YOUR LAUGHING SHOES | | | Tuesday, August 19, 2008 (9:23 AM)
(I'm feeling happy) | | These were too good not to pass along....
These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
_____________________________________________
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you sh****n' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
-- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law | | | | 15 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | PFIZER ANNOUNCEMENT... | | | Monday, August 18, 2008 (5:54 PM)
(I'm feeling jealous) | | Pfizer Announcement
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to
the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned
'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population
with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them. | | | | 19 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | What Is Butt Dust? | | | Monday, August 18, 2008 (7:09 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?'
Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ' Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4 ) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
>TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget..... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust. ..' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ' Mom , what is butt dust?'
Spread the smiles !!
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| | BATTLE OF THE SEXES... | | | Friday, August 15, 2008 (9:22 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | PART ONE...
Libra
The Libra Female is warm and womanly... artistic and elegant. She can come home from work and whip out an intimate dinner for 20 that rivals any gala. She can find something attractive in every person, place, or thing - and still believes that Prince Charming will come riding into her life on a snow-white steed. Until they show up, any lover who shows interest and has even a liberal understanding of romance is definitely worth consideration, especially if they are packaged into a hot body. A good woman, she tries to anticipate her lover's needs, sometimes forgetting that air and personal space are amongst them. The greatest challenge for the Libra Female is realizing that a clinging vine tends to strangle, but when she's content with herself alone in life, she is the most desirable flower.
The Libra Male is the life of the party, the kind of guy you just want to be around. Strong of mind, body, character and success, he tends to have a playboy past and is likely to throw over the latest bubble-headed beauty for a quiet, loyal, sweetheart who may turn a few less heads (but can intellectually hold their ground). For all that he is, and all that he has achieved, he tends to have abandonment issues that can run fairly deep. His deepest desire is to complete himself with the one he loves, and if it takes a hundred tries before they get it right - he'll just keep on trying!
Scorpio
The Scorpio Female is an unwinding mystery, sometimes even to herself. She is strong yet soft, kind, compassionate, intuitive, alluring and shy. She can rise to any challenge, claim victory without rubbing it in, and love so deeply that it scares herself. Sexually, there are no boundaries, no limits to the games she'll play (sex is power!) but she's very selective with the few that can experience her feminine wiles. She is attracted to a partner who is intelligent as well as wise, attractive and enigmatic. While the Scorpio female can be quite possessive, she prefers that her freedoms be unrestrained. The person who falls for Ms. Scorpio's embrace will never be the same. Once you know the rules, you understand it is her game.
The Scorpio Male tends to be physically alluring and intellectually frustrating. He always knows the answer before he asks the question, he just wants to see how you'll respond. His sexuality can excite the coldest, stillest waters of any pond, and yet sex is not the mission with the ones with whom he shares his charm. He is attracted to partners who are independent but loyal, intelligent, but not too inquisitive. Even the most committed Scorpio man has a way of making a lover wonder. He is pride and mystery, and if he doesn't choose to drive you mad with silence and intrigue, he is likely to sweep you just far enough off your feet that you'll be holding on for life - even after he's long gone.
Sagittarius
The Sagittarius Female can light up a room, simply by stepping in to it. Charming, witty, outgoing, and hilariously fun, this woman may not be sure in what direction her life is going, but she will make the most of scenery along the way! She is independent and impulsive, and her idea of romance is a week-long adventure - but you can bring champagne and roses if you want to. She is attracted to active, intelligent, and optimistic lovers who thrive as much as she does venturing into the unknown. She can make an insult sound like a compliment, and to her, "apology" is some foreign and undiscovered word. You may not know where the Sagittarius female is going, but fun and chaos will mark where she's been.
The Sagittarius Male is charming enough to teach a snake to samba, and equally as intriguing to be around. He is upbeat and ingenious, and some may say even a bit unorthodox, but definitely someone you like to be around. Lovers tend to overwhelm him, (they don't understand that a commitment has a lifespan of about two weeks) but he'll happily thrill you with humor and romance as long as it's still a chase. The person he catches tends to quickly be re-released into the dating wild. The Sagittarius man is like an over-grown boy, who will claim to be invincible, right up until he's put in his grave.
Capricorn
The Capricorn Female is an energetic workaholic who is always on the move. This accomplished femme fatale is one of the most kind-hearted, loyal, and caring pessimists that you could ever meet. Her sense of self-worth is what makes her strive tirelessly for success, but it also is what allows her to fall for some pretty superficial romantic situations. While she wants a self-sufficient, warm and caring partner - she often falls prey to false hopes and promises formed by attractive lips. She is a sensitive creature whose feelings can easily be hurt, but has a problem recognizing that her own finesse is often delivered with the gentleness of a 10 pound sledgehammer at full swing. Logic, emotion, and drama rule and fuel her world, but being on her "good side" is a very good place to be, because while she will forgive - she is less likely to let you forget.
The Capricorn Male exudes strength and endurance, professionally as well as in the bedroom. He tends to be quite accomplished, and looks for attractive partners who can hold a conversation but pale in comparison with his own intelligence. With an agreeable lover, he can spend less energy controlling and manipulating, which frees his time to shower them with the finer things in life, because they have met his expectations and deserve to be pampered and rewarded.
Aquarius
The Aquarius Female is a dreamy, analytical, friendly person, who either enchants or scares those she meets. At work or play, there is a calm intensity about her that can endear or overwhelm, but never fails to make an impression. She is most attracted to lovers of a like-mind, those who value honesty, humanity, the world, and all the life forms in it. One of the best listeners out there, Ms. Aquarius often fails to ask for what she wants or needs, because she'll just assume she won't get it. Marriage is security, and she has idealistic views of both.
The Aquarius Male has the mind of inventor, the intellect and vocabulary of the most esteemed professor. All things new and developmental exist to be pondered and explored, his thirst and ability to absorb knowledge and theory is profound. He tends to appear serene and collected, at times eccentric or standoffish, but this is merely the wrapper for a humane and kind soul. He is most attracted to freedom loving partners who have kind hearts and empathetic souls. While life is but a playground for the Aquarius male, his loyalty and devotion to his chosen one hinges on the respect of his ideals and space - without fail.
Pisces
The Pisces Female is usually a soft-spoken, tender-hearted woman "in love with love" and romance. She has the soul and vision of an artist whose temperament is more prone to tears than tantrums. She has a vital and sensual sense of humor, and her charisma is quite beguiling. Because she believes in romantic love, she often gravitates toward the playboy, often not noticing the stability offered by a less-fairytale type of lover. She believes there is good in all, but often fails to recognize her own inner strength. The female Pisces who is begging to be rescued is the one most likely to be scraping egg off her face.
The Pisces Male has a healthy respect for life, particularly when seen through his humorous eyes. He is the modern-day mystic, sans the tranquility training. He is charming and romantic, beautifully surreal. He can be obsessive and moody one minute - at times pouring out his soul - and the next, be extremely still and private. He loves deeply, and emotionally, and can find himself easily attached - but always searching for new level of intensity. He is most attracted to beautiful people who are strong enough to keep him in line, and smart enough to do so privately with respect and compassion. The Pisces male is notorious for wanting what he can't have, and sometimes living in the melancholy memory (or bottle!) of the past he's left behind | | | | 23 Views | 8 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
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