Someone, out of the goodness of their own heart, made a video in response, expressing her outrage.  I pm’d her, thanked her and suggested she may be playing right into the hands of this stranger and she promptly took the video down.  That was that.  I sure was appreciative, but no more than I would had she private messaged me with that same outrage.   I’m more thankful to her for taking the vid down and seeing the logic of it.   

Dear friends (if you truly see yourself as such), I would ask you, please, never to publicly come to my defense in the event I’m in conflict with another person.  I don’t need online cheerleaders within that context- no matter what happens.  I mean that.     Consider this a treatise, if you must.

I don’t want my online friends to ever be in that hard place where they feel they have to publicly stand up for someone or be counted as complacent or weak-minded.  That’s unrealistic when it comes to the online culture.  We connect with those of all stripes and textures beyond what may seem the norm for us.  We don’t need to group people into cliques and be “loyal” and “supportive”.  We aren’t little kids.  We’re adults and we are all out here in our own solitary ships surfin’ around by our lonesome. Sometimes we join regattas that are going in the same direction (if we even have one) on any given day but if you're sure in yourself, then the reason for joining others isn't one of survival or self-preservation. 

As you know, being a friend of mine, most of what's brought us to something deeper has taken place entirely within a private context rather than a public one.  We play up on the surface, but down below, where we've shared things and have, some of us, even met in person...that's what has become the basis of our friendship.  I'm confident in the strength of it.  The ongoing connection we share in the face of your knowledge of my warts, imperfections, and weaknesses is evidence of that, and that's how it should be between friends.  It grows and perseveres in a private realm.

To believe in some kind of unwritten online “friend” code where people need to publicly be chivalrous and stand for something or someone is reckless given the fact that some people (due to what floats their boat) count on people "supporting" their friends to incite, maintain, or escalate conflicts that occur- conflicts which are, at their very base, between two (or sometimes more) supposedly fully-grown adults.  Everyone else, unless they’re directly involved, is just messing with shit that’s not their own.  

And then there’s the masses who watch it all for the emotional fireworks.  That particular element is what distinguishes online friendships from offline friendships.  The online variety can and has been used against individuals thanks to the unspoken chivalry code.  Friends are pressured, in very subtle ways, to publicly back up friends.  Those who benefit by it are those whose motivations thrive on conflict and seek the views of those who are looking for it.  This doesn't play out in our immediate lives unless you've got conniving relatives or your offline friends have some growing up to do.  You can see it in our culture- the fact that news is no longer news- it's infotainment that basically thrives on said conflict.  You can also see it in the game of politics, where candidates are forced to either ally themselves with a controversial figure or denounce them altogether to save face.  It's nothing new, but to not see how this dynamic plays out online within a small community such as this is naive.

Don’t let schoolyard politics draw you into something that is less than who you are.  You are SO much better than the person watching train wrecks (if you are) and leaving comments that could possibly be hurtful to one side or the other (a “line” that gets drawn that you have no say in). 

When we leave a comment to simply show our "support"- even if it seems innocuous (neither agreeing nor disagreeing with the thrust of the video), it has the potential to hurt someone just by its mere presence in response to a vlog that centers around conflict.  If you're my friend, I can't imagine you wouldn't care about the energy you're putting out there.  Our words can come from a place of friendship (the well-meaning source of most "support", probably), but that doesn't mean they don't have the power to hurt others.  If you take pleasure in that sort of thing- in other words, if you know it does have that potential but you do it anyway, then you can stop reading because this letter is not being addressed to you.  

Online relationships are much more complex than high school cliques or war-based metaphors using “us” and “them”.  There's no need to replicate the bullshit that gets thrown at us from the offline world. 

I haven’t been impervious to getting involved in something that's not my shit, but I think I might’ve figured it out for myself, finally.  I won't be watching or commenting on anything that is conflict-oriented between any members of this site.  If you, as a friend, see this as being less than noble, please unfriend and unsub me now because the truth of the matter is that I know my online friends- those who truly are, will get exactly what I'm saying and they'll know, immediately, that this is actually a loving act on my part toward them and toward the community.

So, please support me privately, not publicly, as it will only deepen the conflict and potentially wound the community as a whole.  I don’t want that for you and I don’t want to negatively effect the morale of what should be a place we come to for engaging with others in the spirit of reaching out (it matters not what we reach for- I just know for most of you- my friends,  that it’s not self-defeating conflict).

If I’m anything close to what a real friend is to you, I hope the nature of our relationship- even if it’s only through the sharing of videos, is one where I can reflect back to you the best of who you are, not the worst.  That's the kind of friend I want to be, and those are the only kinds of friends I need in this world.  I have a good sense you feel the same way I do.

So friends, please don’t ever publicly support me if I should ever appear to be in conflict with someone (or someone's in conflict with me- much more likely).  Private message me. That’s all you need to do to show your support if you feel so compelled.  Respect me enough to consider me capable in these matters. I mean this. 

Take care.