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| | College has changed me! | | | Saturday, August 9, 2008 (4:00 AM)
(I'm feeling chipper) | | Union County College has changed my life; the experience has changed my thinking, and given me hope. You see, all through my elementary, middle, and high school years I did very poorly. I had a learning disability and because of it, I had a hard time concentrating. At six, I despised school, mainly because I was the forgotten kid in the class, a ghost at a desk. No one, not even the teacher spoke to me. The loneliness I felt was overwhelming. I became so frustrated I threw a chair at the teacher just to let her know that I was real. As you would expect, I got her attention and a seven-day suspension that I cleverly hid from my mother. Yet, most of the time no one cared if I was there or not, and for that reason, when my suspension was over, I didn't go back.
My classroom became the streets of Ocean City, New Jersey where I was the center of attention. Ocean City, a narrow seven-and-a-half-mile-long barrier island with a long sandy beachfront on the east and marshlands facing the bay on the west was my domain and I knew every inch of it. I knew where the cracks in the sidewalks were, where each grain of sand was placed, the names of the streets, which planks on the boardwalk were loose, the names of the boarding houses, restaurants, and churches. I knew which beaches were best for flying kites, where the seagulls kept their nests, and which bridges were best for fishing. I knew Ocean City like the back of my hand from north to south, bay to beach; and the island was my best friend. I roamed about the island alone during school hours and caught the attention of concerned citizens. Eventually, the truant officer tracked me down and sent me back to school. Placed in a special school for children with emotional problems, I felt alone and depressed. My negative academic experience continued as I lost interest and began to act out in class and thus, held back in 4th and 7th grades. Placed in special education classes for most of my school days, it seemed that no one noticed or cared if I was there. Ignored by my classmates, misunderstood by my teachers, I became lost, frustrated, and hopeless.
Believing that I did not have much of a future, I dropped out of high school Joe in the Army, 1991 at 19 with a tenth grade education. I never really learned how to read, write, or divide and multiply numbers. With my future looking grim, I took a job as a bus boy earning minimum wage at a restaurant in Atlantic City: the only job, which I was qualified. Lost and Confused, I tried to join the US Army, but they required enlistees to have a High School Diploma and because of this, they turned me down. The Recruiter sent me off to the National Guard Armory two blocks away. The National Guard waived the Diploma requirement and I signed up and shipped out for Basic Training at Fort Knox, Kentucky a month later, eight weeks after that I arrived at Fort Belvoir, Virginia for Advance Individual Training (AIT). After completing training, I returned to civilian life disappointed. There was an empty space in me that I could not fill. I felt alone, miserable, and hopeless. Haunted by a troubled past, I fell into a dark period in my life plagued with depression, misery, and self-destruction. I attempted suicide several times, each time temporarily being treated and then released.
I did not realize until a much later the importance of an education and the reality that I urgently needed one. By then, I had made several bad decisions that led me to further isolation from my family, depression, and imprisonment. Fortunately, for me, while locked up, I took advantage of the time to better myself. I learned how to read, write, and understand and apply mathematics. After months of hard work and frustration, I earned my General Education Diploma. It was a defining moment in my life, one that would open doors for me; yet, it took me a little more time for me to see those doors.
In the winter of 2006, while in prison, I earned the privilege to participate in the Halfway House Program in Elizabeth NJ. It was at this moment I realized I needed to make better decisions and seen it was essential to learn a new way of thinking. I realized my old thinking kept leading me to despair, heartache, and trouble. I wanted to overcome my past and terrible habit of letting down my family. The only way to do this was to go back to school.
In May of 2006, I applied to Union County College and enrolled into the EOF Summer program. I felt accepted and welcomed by the EOF counselors. They saw my potential, encouraged me, and helped me achieve a level of academic confidence that I never Grades for 2006 SUMMER II, an A in English and a B in Maththought was possible. Placed into two developmental courses, English Writing (ENG099) and Intro to Algebra (MAT022), I struggled in the beginning, but with encouragement from my professors and guidance from ALC and EOF tutors, I began to improve. It was the longest summer that I ever known and I witnessed a profound change in myself. I learned to write, think logically and critically, and finally see my potential to succeed. It was the first time in my life that I received an "A", or a "B" in anything.
In the Fall semester, I enrolled in five classes, earned a "B+" in English (ENG102), and "As" in Algebra (MAT119), Help-desk (CIS140), First Year Seminar (UCC101), and General Psychology (PSY101). I learn a great deal more about myself that semester much more than previously. In Psychology class, I found answers to question about myself that I never knew existed. It was another turning point for me. When I my report card came in mail, I looked at it in shock. My first regular semester of college and I earned a 3.89 GPA. The following semester, Union County College's Honors Society, Phi Theta Kappa (PTK), inducted me into their ranks. I had found my way out of a life Fall '06 Grades, 4 A's and 1 B+full of bad choices and pessimism.
The next semester, spring 2007, I was invited to participate in the Honors Program and enrolled into English Honors with Dr. Russell (ENGH102). In addition, I registered in four more classes: SPA101, MAT143, CIS207, and BUS105. Furthermore, I worked at the Academic Learning Center as a tutor and as the Student-at-Large for the Student Government Association (SGA). I earned "As" in beginning Spanish with Dr. Hawley, in Business Management with Dr. Singer and English Honors with Dr. Russell. It was the most life changing time of my life. My mother tells me that it's the best thing I ever done, going to UCC.
On May 7 2007, I was removed from the halfway house, for reasons beyond my control, and sent back to prison to finish my sentence. The twelve months that followed were difficult, but I managed to keep my spirits up, mind sharp, and focus on the future. I read many books and set a goal to return to Union County College to finish my degree. I found comfort in knowing that I finally broke the chains of recidivism and this was my last time in prison. I kept visualizing my success in college, it was this hope that I held on to tightly for the entire 12 months. I planned for it, made list of things to do: survive the day, read books, study math, fill out financial aid application, speak to professors, submit application for admission, change major, etc. I went over my list every day for a year waiting for my release.
Finally, on May 6 2008 I was released from prison. My goal of returning to college firmly fixed in my mind. I started to put my plan into action; and to date completed most of my checklist: financial aid is secuPhi Theta Kappa (PTK) member card, I keep it in my wallet, as a reminder of my potential..red for the fall; classes are picked out, professors contacted, and job on campus is secured. The only outstanding item on my list is to find a place to live. Surprisingly this has been most difficult part of my goal. I have been temporarily living with friends and family since my release, bouncing from couch to couch. So far, I have taken three trips to Elizabeth, 2 buses and 4 trains each way, to seek out a room close to campus. I have seen several rooms that demanded the first month rent up front and a hefty security deposit. I do not have the money to pay for a room, and it is hard to find work these days especially with my record. The thing that I thought was going to be the easiest turned out to be the hardest: finding a place to live. But I am optimistic, I have to be, I no longer dwell on negative thoughts. I will reach my goal achieve the academic and personal success that has eluded me. | | | 176 Views | 0  Thumbs Up | 0 Comments |  |
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| | Confusion | | | | Saturday, August 9, 2008 (2:56 AM) | | Here I sit, in front of a computer so much to do,
so many web site to visit,
so many programs to run,
I waste my entire day confused.
Confusion, is the feeling that describes
the moment that I wonder where my day went.
Confusion consumes me as time rushes by
while I stare through my digital window.
Confusion, when I begin to fall asleep at the keyboard,
Confusion, when I realize that the things that I wanted to do
never got done
Confusion... | | | | 207 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | The Connection | | | Saturday, August 9, 2008 (2:54 AM)
(I'm feeling chipper) | | My chest swelled with pride as I watched my daughter perform on stage at the Richard Stockton State College Performing Arts Center. It was her hip-hop dance recital. My eyes filled with tears of Joy and regret. Joy, for seeing her doing what she loved to do and regret for missing moments in her life that a father should never miss: her first footsteps, first words, first Christmas, her first day of school.... I have been selfish, chasing my fathers shadow, looking for my lost identity, when all along it was in right there in front of me, growing, breathing, and living.
In the pursuit of my father's shadow, and essentially my own identity, I made bad choices and decisions that led me to isolation, and depression. Those choices took me away from my own flesh and blood. For the twelve years of her life, I have been absent for eight of those years and irresposible for the other four. I never learned how to be father from mine, and for a long time tried not to become him, but it seems that I had.
I see the errors in my thinking. I realize and feel all of those lost moments with my daughter. I will never get them back. I am ashamed of myself, to a point where I want to feel Blue, but I don't, I turn it into a motivation to be a better father to her now. She makes me want to be a better father and through her I've learned that i can also be a better son to my mother, brother to my sister, and uncle to my nieces and nephews.
I have been home for a little over a month and I finally made a connection with her. | | | | 184 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | A Childhood Memory | | | Tuesday, July 8, 2008 (1:49 PM)
(I'm feeling artistic) | | I have a few happy memories that I think about every now and then from my early years in Florida. Back then, it was just the three of us: my mother, my sister, and I. I had to be four and my sister was five. We were happy, hopeful, and content as we drove along in Mom's metallic brown Corolla.
It had to be the end of fall or the beginning of winter, because I particularly remember the trees that lined the road had lost their leaves and their dull grey branches revealed the blue cloudless sky from my position on the floor behind the front passenger seat. The grumble of the engine filled the car as it spewed warm air into the cabin. My sister sat on the floor behind my mother and peered out the window.
We pretended that we were truckers and the seat-belt buckles were walkie-talkies chitchatting about whatever we saw. It was a game we played whenever we took a long trip somewhere. A tree flashed by my window and I hastily began to describe what I saw: "Breaker one-zero, the trees are nakeded," an eruption of laughter from the front seat caught my full attention. I turned and looked at my mother like a curious puppy, "What's so funny Momma?" I asked, after a few minutes her laughter settled to a snort and a giggle, and then she began to teach me how to pronounce the word Naked.
It was a happy and funny little scene, my mother pronouncing the word and I mispronouncing it, and afterward my mother giggling, laughing, and snorting in her uniqe way. I asked my mother if she remembers, traces of it still lingers in her memory, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I can still hear the way I prounounced the word and her laughter that followed. | | | | 233 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Poker Faced! | | | | Tuesday, July 8, 2008 (1:45 PM) | | A short story by Joe Eulo
I flew to Las Vegas solo; no luggage, no carry on, just the cash in my pocket and the shirt on my back. I sat in the window seat, isle 10; took me ten minutes to convince the little old lady sitting there that she was in my spot. She stared at me as if I were a crazed vagabond, who could blame her, I'm unshaven, disheveled and look as if, I belonged in a cardboard box on top of a steam grate. The flight attendant sauntered over, confirmed my story, and told the old bag to move. She did, reluctantly, cursing me under her breath. Damn me!
I sold everything I owned to gamble it in a poker game, thee poker game: the world series of poker. My chances of winning at poker were better than black jack, and much faster than slots. It was my last ditch effort to redeem myself to my family, friends, and the two big Italian guys with the broken noses. I owed them too much money and this was my only way to get them off my back and reclaim any crumb of dignity that I had left. Damn me and my gambling habit!
I prayed to the poker gods, and hoped they would grant me good cards and enough luck and wisdom to play them. I had been practicing my poker face the moment Sin City invaded my thoughts, but is hard to hide a smile when you have good cards and a scowl when you do not. It is difficult, and I am emotional. Damn me!
As I looked out the window over the wing of the plane, I could see bright lights of the strip, the green glow from the MGM grand, and the eerie beam of light shooting up from the Luxor. This wasn't my first time in Vegas and I hopefully not my last. I don't know if it was the stale peanuts or the thoughts of torture that the kind and understanding gentlemen with the broken noses would inflicted on me if I lost, that gave me so much heartburn, so I starting popping Tums in my mouth like they were tick tacks. Damn me!
The butterflies in my stomach made me vomit as we landed. Bits of peanuts and strawberry Tums stained the dress of the little old lady that sat next to me "Sorry" I said as I attempted to wipe off the vomit from her dress, "get your hands off of me, you @$$hole!" she howled. Great, I have been in Vegas for less than five minutes and I am already making great friends! Damn me! | | | | 106 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Emotionally Corrupt | | | Monday, August 11, 2008 (4:17 PM)
(I'm feeling accomplished) | | Frustration races through my veins like fire,
It corrupts my thoughts, overpowers all rational thinking,
I regress, act out, and behave like a child who doesn’t get his way,
Frustration turns into Anger,
An anger that can not and will not be directed outward,
So inward it seeks me, it belittles me, and demeans my soul,
It festers into self-destruction and tricks me into hopelessness and despair,
Into self loathing and hate
It is drowning me,
Pushing my head under the water,
I resurface and thrash about for a few gulps of air,
Back down I plunge: isolated, rejected, and damned;
I attempt to grab a moment to bring in a positive thought or two,
To pull myself out of the abyss,
I dig my nails into the wall of this mental hole and claw my way up
Up from the chasm of dejection that has consumed my childhood… my identity,
I am fighting it, but afraid…
Punching with all of my might… but shivering in fear,
I am yanking the hair from its scowling head,
I am stunned that it’s laughing at me,
And shocked to see that it is I, whom I fight,
I begin to realize that it I who sabotages my progress,
I keep myself Hostage to the anger directed inward.
I begin to comprehend, that I have a choice,
A choice NOT to let Frustration turn to anger pointed at me... | | | | 148 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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