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| | Oh paybacks a biotch! | | | Friday, September 18, 2009 (8:44 PM)
(I'm feeling happy) | | A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really
great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and
lets her order the drink for him. The Bartender brings the drink and puts the
following items on the bar:
A salt shaker,
A shot of Baileys,
A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and
finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth.........smooth,
rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
consistency hits.....
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
'Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'
| | | 37 Views | 0  Thumbs Up | 0 Comments |  |
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| | LOL! | | | Friday, September 18, 2009 (8:39 PM)
(I'm feeling awake) | | Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up...
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
| | | | 21 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Blondes, LOL! | | | Monday, July 27, 2009 (8:18 PM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
‘What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,’ what massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'
| | | | 37 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | Ha,Ha,Ha!!! | | | Thursday, July 23, 2009 (4:17 PM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was .
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, so that's why no one was at church today."
| | | | 37 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | 911 calls! LOL! | | | Wednesday, July 22, 2009 (2:16 PM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | Classic!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bath room, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.... I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
| | | | 29 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | This is funny! | | | Thursday, July 16, 2009 (11:13 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace...
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane .I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane ...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time...I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane .I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!
| | | | 46 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | LMAO! | | | Wednesday, July 15, 2009 (9:25 AM)
(I'm feeling chipper) | | Brain transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where a family member lay gravely
ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber.
'I'm
afraid I'm the bearer of bad
news,' he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.. 'The only hope left for your loved one at
this time is a brain
transplant. It's
an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is
the only hope. Insurance will cover the
procedure, but you will have to pay for the
BRAIN.'
The
family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much
will a brain cost?'
The
doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male
brain; $200 for a female
brain.'
The
moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually
had to'try' to
not smile, avoiding eye
contact with
the women.
A
man unable to control his curiosity, finally
blurted out the question everyone wanted
to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than
a female brain?'
The
doctor smiled at the childish innocence and
explained to the entire group, 'It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have
to price the female brains a lot lower
because they've been
used..'
| | | | 54 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | New video! | | | Friday, April 10, 2009 (5:49 PM)
(I'm feeling calm) | | | Waiting to be approved! | | | | 67 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | ROFLMAO! | | | Friday, March 13, 2009 (1:52 PM)
(I'm feeling busy) | | A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor, a nice Indian fella, is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
| | | | 70 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 3 Comments | |
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| | LMFAO! True story! | | | Thursday, February 26, 2009 (9:12 AM)
(I'm feeling cheerful) | | The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
| | | | 66 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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