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| | Joke of the day! | | | Saturday, May 17, 2008 (8:21 AM)
(I'm feeling sleepy) | | Condom sponsors
Imagine if major companies started producing or sponsoring condoms, they would become far more fashionable.
Nike Condoms: Just do it
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Sony Condoms: Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
KFC Condoms: Finger Licking Good
M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Coca-Cola Condoms: The Real Thing
Ever-Ready Condoms: Keep going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King Condoms: Home of the whopper
Nokia Condoms: This is Human Technology
Ericsson Condoms: It's all about connecting people
Motorola Condoms: What you never thought possible
Renault Condoms: Size matters
Energizer: Never say never die
Diet Coke: Just for the taste of it
Ariston: And on, and on ...
| | | 6 Views | 0  Thumbs Up | 0 Comments |  |
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| | Joke of the day! | | | Friday, May 16, 2008 (8:15 AM)
(I'm feeling accomplished) | | RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was speeding down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled
her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know
and love, asked, "What's your hurry?” To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?” I’m a rectum stretcher," she responded
The cop stammered, "A what...A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?” “Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about
6 feet wide.” “And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard
| | | | 12 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | This is right on! | | | | Thursday, May 15, 2008 (7:30 PM) | | 25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come ou t of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ..
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"You don't have to like it, you just have to do it."
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do '
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until your father gets home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables , you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
| | | | 9 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | Joke of the day! | | | | Tuesday, May 6, 2008 (5:23 PM) | | Elderly Foreplay
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets
her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and
putting both legs behind her head, yoga style. The second old woman
thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went
in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the
process of putting her legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of
tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it
in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked
herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she
had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and
got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that
her husband came out of the bathroom. "Gladys!" he exclaimed." For
heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole.
| | | | 19 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | Don't cheat on your Women! | | | Friday, May 2, 2008 (7:10 AM)
(I'm feeling contemplative) | | Curtain Rods
She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She replaced the end caps on the curtain rods, cleaned up the kitchen, and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything,cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canister, during which they had to move out for a few days, and they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea about the smell, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork for her to sign.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......including the curtain rods.
| | | | 43 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | Funny Stuff! | | | Thursday, May 1, 2008 (3:17 PM)
(I'm feeling calm) | | The Mailman's Last Day
It was the mailman's last day on
the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds
of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the
first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there,
who congratulated him and sent him on his way with
a big gift
envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection
of terrific fishing
lures. At each of the houses along his route,
he was met with
congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts.
At the
final house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful
blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the
hand, gently led
him through the door (which she closed behind
him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where they had a
most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went
downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes,
ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange
juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of
steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill
sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.
"All this
was just too wonderful for words," he said, " but what's
the
dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told
my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should
do something special for you. I asked
him what to give
you."
He said, " Screw him.......give him a
dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was
my idea"
| | | | 48 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | Joke of the day! | | | Thursday, May 1, 2008 (7:44 AM)
(I'm feeling determined) | | Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the dickens are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're gonna love this...)
She said, 'I'm going home, too. You can't possibly expect me to work in the dark.
| | | | 47 Views | 4 Thumbs Up | 2 Comments | |
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| | Joke of the day! | | | Monday, April 28, 2008 (7:36 AM)
(I'm feeling indescribable) | | A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, Sister, may
I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment
later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a
soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to
go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great
pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen
a great pair of balls . I don't want to go to Iraq, either."
| | | | 40 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | Joke of the day! | | | Sunday, April 27, 2008 (7:14 PM)
(I'm feeling good) | | > One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
> peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In
> the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
> turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to
> dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
>
> He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
> trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
>
> As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter
> came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
> daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
>
> The young man told the father to sit down, then
> proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
> hard.
>
> When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
>
> The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
> young man insisted that it was nothing.
>
> Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and
> said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
> to be when he grows older?'
>
> The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our
> son-in-law.' | | | | 43 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | History Mystery | | | Sunday, April 27, 2008 (6:08 PM)
(I'm feeling curious) | | History Mystery
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker..
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause:
Hey, this is one history lesson most people probably will not mind reading!
| | | | 48 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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