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| | Medical coverage in a nutshell | | | Tuesday, February 10, 2009 (8:42 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | |
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello..'
'Mrs Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?', questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.' | | | 90 Views | 0  Thumbs Up | 0 Comments |  |
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| | OBSERVATIONS | | | Saturday, August 2, 2008 (6:00 AM)
(I'm feeling bored) | | Observations
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez
13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde
16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan '
--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields | | | | 144 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS | | | Thursday, July 31, 2008 (8:39 AM)
(I'm feeling calm) | | A Gun in the House
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
As John Steinbeck once said:
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
But wait, there's more!
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did.
She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!'
To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!'
She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of some one evil coming into your house?'
My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.'
To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.
I'm a firm believer of the 2nd Amendment! | | | | 143 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | NEWS OF THE WIERD | | | Thursday, July 31, 2008 (8:36 AM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's
in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds
of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your
head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded
$80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won
$74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's
hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was
leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the autom atic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter
the house because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced
to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental
Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500
plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr. Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a
jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her
$113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and
broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on
the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever
happened to people being responsible for thei r own
actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are
only two more Stellas to go...
2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of
a night club in a nearby city because she fell from
the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma ,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winneb ago motor home. On
her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the
driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually
changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, ge tting more stupid...? Ya Think??!!
More than a few of our judge's elevators don't go to
the top floor either!
WHAT'S EVEN SCARIER - THESE JURORS AND JUDGES MAY VOTE ON ELECTION
DAY!!! | | | | 160 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | PHARMACOLOGY TODAY | | | Thursday, June 26, 2008 (8:02 PM)
(I'm feeling bouncy) | | In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp also announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form . It will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of 'MOUNT & DO'.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them. | | | | 216 Views | 6 Thumbs Up | 4 Comments | |
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| | MY POINT EXACTLY | | | Thursday, June 26, 2008 (8:00 PM)
(I'm feeling amused) | | An 89 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 89-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.' One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.'
'He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 89-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
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