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| | Child hood money experience | | | | Wednesday, September 30, 2009 (7:20 AM) | | I grew up in a small town with about 600 people and a lot of open space around our town there was a big township where the poor people lived about 15000 counted as I could remember.
I did not have much to do in this little town except to play with my brothers and my toys.
I soon get bored of this and started to do other things like walking around alone in the little town and viewing and visiting all the places I could find, not long after that I knew the town from top to bottom, every location and every road. I met a few people and made friends with them.
One day I went to the big town with my dad and I went to his work, my grandfather works there as well, he and my dad started talking and I was standing there then all the sudden my grandfather tells me about this thing I can do to collect easy money, he tells me that If I collect as many cans (like coca cola cans and beer cans) as I could I can take it in to a scrap metal place and the will exchange me money in return.
I was fascinated with this idea and how simple it sounds, I had thoughts about doing it for weeks and if I want to do it and how will I do it. Then one day I tell my dad I want to do it and my dad said ok do it you know there are a lot of cans laying in the streets and in the open fields and every weekend people party and the through their can in the bushes out of their windows you can find cans everywhere Gian.
I agreed with this and I started one day just walking in our road with a plastic bag collecting all the cans I can.
I filled the plastic bag up in a matter of minutes and I was amazed how many cans were lying just around, I got quite angry. But I was happy. I went back and got another plastic bag and filled it up.
I would do this every weekend and I went everywhere in town where ever I could and I collected as many cans as possible. I would go home with 2-3 plastic bags a day filled with plastic can. I saw that this was good but it takes a lot of space in our garage. I looked for something to smack the cans flay with and I found this round metal, pretty big, and I would sit in the garage for at least an hour just smacking cans flat and place them in a bigger bag.
I did this for 2 years of my life almost every weekend for 3 hours about, till I turned 13 and thought I am now a teenager and this isn’t appropriate anymore.
I have collected 11 black bags (pretty big bags) full of flattened cans; I couldn’t even move some of the bags so heavy were they.
I told my dad I want to take all of the cans I have collected in for money, my dad agreed and said he will do this when he has time and he will take the bags to his work and keep it there so he can take it when he sees he has a open gap to take it, I agreed on this.
Weeks have passed and I feared asking my dad about my cans and when will I get money for it.
I never asked him, till one day I went to his work in town and I saw there was not even one black bag of the cans I have collected, I got furious and confused, I still feared asking my dad, as if I would question his word and honour. That same day my grandfather came to me and said hey Gian here is your money for the cans you have collected, he gave me 140 rand. I founded this unbelievable, ONLY 140 RAND! What the fuck- this is wrong, all of that hard work and all of that time that I spend on collecting the cans I get 140 rand, (12 dollars) and after my grandfather told me that is a easy way to make money.
I went to my mother that night and asked her, mom how much money do you thing I should have gotten for all of those cans I collected, my mother replied and said about 400 rand. I told her that my grandfather gave me 140 rand for it all. My mother looked at me with the eyes that she is saying something is wrong here.
My mom and dad had a discussion about what happened with my money and all my cans, and It came down to that my grandfather probably took some money for himself, or that some of my cans got mixed up with my father’s works place stuff.
I never trusted my grandfather again and I never did anything like that again, I promised myself to never work hard for anything that is going to have a long term outcome and that needs my total self discipline, that might just turn into a fuckup or into something that others can fuck up. Ever since then I always looked for the quick ways to make instant money and where the money is direct here with me. | | | 10 Views | 0  Thumbs Up | 0 Comments |  |
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| | Arguments with people | | | | Saturday, September 12, 2009 (2:57 AM) | | Arguments with people and being in the same area of people having arguments.
I see that I lock myself out of the conversation because I fear I might look stupid
I also lock myself out of the argument because i fear speaking up
I lock myself out of the conversation because I feel that I might hurt someone or go totally against their opinion
I also Lock myself out of the argument because I feel I cannot rust myself to be self honest with in what I am going to say
I also lock myself out of the argument when I see it is going nowhere and I feel I have the answer for them but I am not willing to share my side with them because they all have now locked themselves totally within their opinions about the subject through logic and reason
I also do not feel like arguing with the beings because I do not feel like walking about where I have just made myself feel less and dishonest
I also did not participate with in the argument because of how I know myself to access energies and run wild with what I am saying going into being possessed that other beings will accept what I say as the right thing, and I will defend my opinion and disapprove of theirs. EGO
All this requires is Breath that will cost you nothing lol
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lock myself out of conversations because I feel les than the conversation that is taking place
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself less than the conversation that is taking place
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conversations
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself with in conversations
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating arguments
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to fear looking stupid with ina conversation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stupidity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear joining a argument because I believe I am not equipped for
the argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be equipped for an argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about breath with in an argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compaire myself with the argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing with in an argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to win an argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play a game with in arguing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play games of arguments with in my own delusions of the mind
as real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the mind as knowledge and information within
an argument and not keeping it simple common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself with the beings and what they are saying within the argument, measuring if I am able to join or say out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access fight or flight with in arguments after comparing myself
with other beings and the argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to other being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel dishonest with in standing up against another beings
opinion challenging them,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not clear my starting point with in joining an argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire looking smart and intelligent with in an argument, hiding
my actual fear as who I really am with in the argument
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful of arguments
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have to decide my words carefully with in an argument, not
speaking unconditionally with in breath as life one and equal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breath | | | | 27 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Reactions towards Leila (agreement partner) | | | | Saturday, September 12, 2009 (2:55 AM) | | I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when Leila reacts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame Leila for me reacting
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards Leila
when she reacts because I feel she did something wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Leila for
reacting
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get emotional when I
react towards Leila
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personal when
Leila reacts towards me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it all out on Leila
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reacting towards
Leila because I fear she might just reach the point of enough is enough
and I am leaving Gian
I forgive myself for not breathing when Leila reacts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to make Leila
feel shit about what she just did and that she really hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Leila can
hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for reacting
I forgive myself for not taking Leila’s reaction as assistance and instead
as personal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access a mind fuck
through judgements and fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking bad to
Leila because she might take it the wrong way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to run away from the situation just after it happened instead of standing and facing myself
unconditionally
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to nit breath and create
a fuck up out of every conversation I have with Leila because I fear it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating a
fuckup out of every conversation I have with Leila
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to win every
conversation I have with Leila
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access self pity when
talking to Leila
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior towards
Leila when I talk to her
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold things against
Leila
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not talk to Leila as my equal but from the perspective of that she is a woman
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get tired of this,
creating the polarity of that I am actually enjoying this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for doing
this every time and not changing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put Leila higher than
me and that she ha power over me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and manipulate
the outcome of every conversation so that I may win
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself through
the winner and loser mind construct/ game
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do what I actually
feel like expressing when I react, hugging Leila
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hugging Leila
when i react or she reacts because I believe that It might irritate her
I forgive myself for holding back on myself because of my delusions I
create and see
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Leila will
never forgive me and thus I move myself with in this believe, actually not
forgiving myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself
and thus automatically forgive another unconditionally
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see Leila through the
eyes of a abuser
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined.
BREATH | | | | 24 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | Animal abuse | | | | Friday, August 28, 2009 (10:42 PM) | | Animal abuse
Today I had a cool experience with my horse Titan.
At horses which is at about 6 o’clock, I went into Titans stable and I started preparing his stable. I got his bedding in and his hay to eat, then after a while I heard foods ready and all the horses got excited, I went to fetch the food and took it to Titan. As Titan was eating I grabbed a brush and started brushing him, he swung out his right foot, (which I find amazing that he is able to do that) and he almost kicked me, I reacted with in that moment and got tired of this, he does this quite a lot, and with in me reacting I lost me here and I hit Titan with the brush and kicked his foot out of spitefulness, going through me how does that feel huh? This did not move him at ALL he just stood there and tried to kick me again.
I breathed and just continued brushing him, I was angry and experienced myself as being incapable to control my horse and that I am in danger now all the time, I brushed him with in fear, and I saw the point of why I am in fear now, because instead of breathing and seeing the point my horse is revealing to me with in that moment which was that I brushed him to get done with it not to actually be with him unconditionally. And he stood by his point, not giving into me reacting towards him, I found that my horse as that moment was more directive and unconditional that what I will ever be this I experienced with in me.
After wards as I sat on the chair outside his stable and looked at him, he stared at me, and I went into questioning him, I stopped and I said okay Titan I forgive you. He had no after math of whoa I did something wrong like I did.
I sat there and all the sudden this point reveals to me in a single breath. A past question that I always asked myself came up, the question was- How can people abuse horses like they do, and how did people get to abuse my horse like this, if they did not abuse my horse he would not have been this way towards me. And then the present moment of what just happened came to me aligning with the past questions, where I now see how people got to the point of abusing horse (animals), fear and reactions, through this loosing self entirely and awareness, but still aware actually. And then they act upon their specific believe of themselves and who they believe themselves to be, meaning if the horse dares to kick you, you will react because your ego has just been challenged by an animal which people see as less then themselves, this is the fear also, actually realizing that the state you as the human being exist as in this current moment is less than an animal and this can not be shown to anyone not even self, therefore you will attack the animal out of reaction and fear. No matter the cost of what you do to the animal, the actions will be taken from the starting point of spitefulness or stimulation- the stimulation will be gaining that back which you feel you have just lost (Ego) so through stimulating the horse through abusing the horse as torturing, which will stimulate you as the human because you feel you are gaining revenge and power back.
This Stop here | | | | 60 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Comparison system | | | | Friday, August 28, 2009 (10:40 PM) | | Comparison system
I experience myself as getting tired very quickly. Like I will just go and sit somewhere and smoke, and with in that I can feel I am able to just fall asleep right here where I am now. No matter what I am busy with.
Also with in what I am busy with, I feel like I am working very slowly like I am not getting any where, then I tend to go into ok now I am going to finish this and then it end up with in the polarity.
The point is, I am working with the mind system of comparison, this is what is causing me to get tired with in what I am doing, sending all my ‘energies’ to the mind through comparing everything I do towards others, then I form a point with in my mind after comparing, of judgement, where I make myself feel better or okay about myself to what I am doing and who I am.
Creating a reference point for myself through comparing myself to the beings around me and even the environment, who I am with in the environment and who I am with in relation towards and separate from other beings, creating a individual point for myself as who I am and where I am with in my ‘process’ of becoming apparently more or better.
E.g. I will be working and as beings walk by I would feel with in myself a satisfaction of cool they are seeing what I am doing, with in this comparing myself with in the environment I am with in that specific moment and what I am doing. Comparing myself to ‘ok I am in this kind of environment and this is what I am doing with in the environment I am currently with in’, projecting my image and likeness onto other beings, of showing them this is who I am and this is what I am doing, actually asking the other beings through that, so what are you doing and is it as good as what I am doing. Even through this I am asking for permission whether ‘that what I am doing’ is correct, and the right thing, are you proud of me, am I now accepted by you who just walked by.
All of this is coming from with in the system of comparison, and it is all fear based.
I see that this system is programmed into children from a young age, I see the point clearly from when I was in school. In school comparison is the main point, the ultimate point of that which everyone is living from, if kids do not compare themselves to have a reference point of themselves to see where they stand with in the system, like:
Are they cool enough?
Are they good enough?
Are they smart enough?
Are they competitive enough?
Can I beat you?
Do you accept me?
Choosing friends through comparing all beings towards self and one another to see where one will be accepted the most. To see where one will survive. Comparing self within the environment and with the beings, is actually the point of self calculation with in the starting point of fear of being rejected and not accepted as who you really are. The point of wanting to win, wanting to be the best. | | | | 31 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Time/ YOUR CREATOR | | | | Sunday, August 16, 2009 (5:10 AM) | | Time/ your creator
I feel myself falling behind time, with in this falling behind time I see all that is slipping through my fingers, slowly but surely, I see the past events reoccurring in the same way just different points, then I feel the regret and the compounding effect within me happening, of how I am the creator of this and how I am allowing this to exist, happen.
After I see and realize this point, I feel powerless against time, once the time is lost it is gone, never to be re taken or gained. It is over and gone I missed the point, and making peace with it seems to me like dishonesty, like if I make peace with what I have openly excepted and allowed to happen then making peace with it feels wrong, I feel I have to gain (Gian) it back. This is fear of consequences, fearing facing the same point over and over till there is an ultimate price to pay, which will indefinably happen, equal effect.
TC = Time Creates
This is a fact not a fear factor.
The time I have now is here. I have to let go of the past and what I have accepted and allowed. I make peace with this; this is the only way with in common sense to move oneself again, stop, breath and forgives self.
I am equal to time. Time is my creation, I can only fear time if I am in separation of time.
I am the clock, a clock never stops moving, why am I not moving- separation, seeing time more than myself, giving into the idea of time,
I stop. Breath is the only key, stop the thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall behind time, separating myself from time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from time, with in this fearing time seeing it
more than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear time and see it more than myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see time more than myself, I am the creator of time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking self responsibility for myself with in time as time,
constantly moving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving myself as time, never stopping, equal to time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing equal to time, seeing it as hard work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the fact that I have no choice to stand as time, the test of
time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have already lost within myself towards time, I stand up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take time for granted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still worry about time, indicating fear and enslavement to time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to time, not standing one and equal as time, in breath here as Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in time get lazy, participating in the mind, mental realities.
Quantum time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself with in quantum time in and as the mind, while in
the real reality the real time is creating, what I am missing and losing awareness of
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, already creating the timeloop to face this point
again in time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret judging myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to out of fear do the self forgiveness, fearing the regret and
judgement will time loop me
I STOP here | | | | 34 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | Instant decision | | | | Sunday, August 16, 2009 (1:49 AM) | | Instant decision
Thursday night was my dishes night. I was doing dishes with a companion
As my companion asks me so what do you want to do? I replied well what do you feel like doing, and she replies back, I asked first? I stood there with a decision to make I said well I will wash if you do not feel like it?!?!?! Waa what the hell I couldn’t decide.
This was a simple question, and a simple decision I had to make. Not even a big one, I realized with in this, how am I able to decide what to do in the main stuff in this world if I cannot even make a simple decision about washing or drying dishes.
My companion turned and looked at me and said, Gian I have seen now a couple of times you make a decision based on a believe of what you think the other person doesn’t feel like doing. I saw this point clearly.
She told me then, look inside of yourself, and see what you prefer to do, not what you feel like doing, and then decide. She explained to me stand here in breath and see yourself doing dishes, and then see yourself drying the dishes.
I did this, it took me one breath and I told her, okay I want to do drying the dishes, and she said okay.
This felt wrong to me.
I told her that doing this feels wrong to me making a decision for myself.
I then told her that I saw this point and its really cool, I have never considered this and believed it to be wrong, I always make decisions for other people and what they would like doing, I would always take the crappy things to do, not what I prefer to do. I told her I always kind of saw myself as sacrificing myself for others, believing I am doing the right thing.
This was really a cool point in such a simple thing; I see this has to change.
SO Saturday came and we all on the farm went to the mall for shopping day, we have a shopping day each month on pay day, a few of us wanted to go to a different mall, where a specific movie was showing, and other went to the regular mall,
As we ( the few that wanted to go to a different mall) got dropped off at the mall we were all kind of ‘excited’ for the movie, we all went inside and talked about what we are going to do, first we wanted to check the time of the movie when it starts, and then we wanted to go and eat and drink some coffee.
So we went to the movies as we looked at the movies we saw it was closed up permanently, we all went what the fuck, OH NO! I stood there , breathed and looked inside myself I kind of felt like time travelling, into time, and I saw what was going to be the day at the mall, we were all going to be very grumpy and board just walking around for hours as we wait for time to go by till we got picked up. I stopped, I directed the situation very quickly, I told the person closest to me call the driver, let’s go to the other mall, as she calls the driver. The driver says okay I will come back and pick you up, the driver wasn’t very far away, and we waited like 1min outside till she showed up.
I appreciated myself allot for this. In that moment when I looked at the whole day in one breath and all the consequences and effects that could take place. I could have been quiet and let someone ells decide what to do, because of the thing I have about sacrificing myself for others through letting them make the decisions, and not considering myself, as to what I would prefer for myself to experience.
I am now going to do this every time in all the small things I do. When it is necessary, till I can trust myself with this.
I also saw the point that it is in the small things that the big things will be decided. Through your own physical participation. | | | | 31 Views | 0 Thumbs Up | 0 Comments | |
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| | I, Man as a tool (penis) | | | Sunday, August 2, 2009 (12:28 AM)
(I'm feeling breathing) | | A man is born with a tool
The tool can be measured and put to the test
The tool of the man plays out in all ways, and forms.
Man is only a tool to do the labour, as man has accepted himself as just a tool, and to be proud of it (EGO). Man will never be more than just a tool.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my penis as a tool
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about my penis being seen as a tool
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud of my penis as a tool
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of the size of my tool in comparison towards other male’s tools
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refer to a penis as a tool
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud of my penis
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my penis as a tool
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to advertise myself as a tool, to be used
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerful with my penis as a effective tool
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to brag about my tool to myself and therefore accept and allow myself to be just that, a tool to be used
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through the idea of that my penis is a tool
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my penis as a strong good tool to be used and measured
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show my penis as a tool to all the women
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk around with the idea attached to me that I have a great tool and all the girls should get to use it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself through the idea and believe of my penis as just a
tool
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be penetrated by the feeling of my penis as a tool that is strong
and hard
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about the strength and feeling of my tool and how I am
using it to please others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my penis as more than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own penis, because I see my penis
as having its own mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled and moved through the reactions of my penis and
what it is experiencing (the energetic feelings)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my penis as a tool must be used often, otherwise it
may get rusted and
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to oil my tool often to ceep it in good use to
be used, allowing myself to be a slave towards my own penis
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I am experiencing with in having a boner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel used by women just for my penis
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel abusive with my penis
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself with the ideas I have about my penis as a tool
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take everything about my penis for granted, not seeing that my
penis is a reference point of showing me to me as how i am still existing as.
Example: what I see is that as long as I cannot stop the thoughts that makes me react (hardon), what I am
experiencing through my penis, this only indicated I am still in separation of the physical and still exist as mind consciousness, therefore I am still not the directive principle of me and still just a slave, and the thoughts, ideas, memories, exc, that comes up are just the mirror reflection, showing me to me and what I still exist as
Do not take anything for granted | | | | 66 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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| | Rushing Self | | | Sunday, August 2, 2009 (12:26 AM)
(I'm feeling breathing) | | Rushing myself for others, because of the believe that I have to prove myself and show that I can do this immediately.
Instead stop, breath, move self here as the physical in breath in common sense which is best for all.
Also with in rushing myself I have found that I fuck up a lot according to what I see as fucking up, and immediately judge myself.
Instead breath stop, learn the lesson and do not take anything for granted, stop judgement, move self, forgive self unconditionally
The only solution is breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush myself for others, indicating self dishonesty participating in
the mind instead of here breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself for others according to the believe of I have to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to rush myself
I allow myself to slow down for myself, till I can completely trust myself in the physical as breath, not rushing and in that take things for granted and ‘fuck up’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have to rush myself to prove myself to others
What is there to prove? The point of look at me I can do this immediately, and the right way. Fear of mistakes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush myself with in the fear of making a mistake, believing if I do it fast I will keep it simple and practical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush myself with in the starting point of fear, nervousness, anxiety, and stress
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself according to the emotion, feeling, and thoughts I am having.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take things for granted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be gentle with myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fucking up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the point of fucking up, instead of seeing it as unconditional support and assistance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined certain things in my life as fucking up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from all the points that I fear fucking up within,
never taking these points into confederation unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush myself believing with in rushing myself I will void all the points’ witch I fear fucking up with in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create polarity within the point of making mistakes or fucking up, seeing other things I do as right and as not fucking up, living in the save zone, creating an unsaved zone lol
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as polarity, rushing and slowing, instead of just breath here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself separate from all other things, wich is rushing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush myself with in comparison to other things and beings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush myself with in the starting point of comparing myself to
others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush myself with in wanting to prove to myself that I am better
than another being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush myself with in fear of being less than another being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within separation of another being, fearing the being and
feeling I have to prove myself to that person, which I than access rushing through nervousness, and making a
mistake is inevitable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear slowing down for me, because I fear not trusting myself
with in slowing down, as getting things done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear slowing down
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that trust is within moving fast or slowing down, instead
realizing self as trust with in all that is here in breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created an idea about slowing down, seeing slowing
down as not being able to get to all the things that needs to get done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from time and all that needs to get done, wit in
this I have already lost
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as losing when not being able to get all tasks done in
time.
I stop, BREATH
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize self here in breath through rushing self, rushing self will
only leave self in judgement, not taking all into consideration.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take things for granted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move as the mind, quantum time, which will only resemble in
self dishonesty as life
I stop
I allow myself to slow down for myself
I allow myself to not take things for granted
Breath
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| | Photo on face book | | | Saturday, July 18, 2009 (3:04 PM)
(I'm feeling breath) | | So I posted a photo on face book and it seems to have made a stir on my face book page, people commented, and I like the photo, it is pretty cool, then after a while I go on face book I see my brother and my mother made comments on the photo, and this created reactions within me still indicating separation and fear towards my mother and what she has to say about me and, also I felt like fuck I did something wrong, I got my mother’s attention, so this indicated I am hiding from her and do not want to stir things to get her reaction and opinion about what I am doing, also I saw that I was glad that it was a good respond I got from my mother and not a bad one. And this is all just showing me that I still hold something against my mother, I feel it is hate and a dislike, and also that she stands as a thread for me, indicating she still has power over me.
Time to forgive Gain. Enough is enough.
This is a subject that holds me back making me feel like I do not know how to push through this without using the mind and suppressing the point, I also see a desire within me to get rid of my mother. So that I can feel more free, on a subconscious level.
The question still runs in my mind what is the point that makes me still react to my mother in fear and anxiousness, like she can anytime make me stop what I am doing.
I see it’s simple
Morality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to suppress the subject and seeing it as not that important to do right now,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind and the systems.
I stop
Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my mother, accepting and allowing my mother to
have control over me, as the mother matrix system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself power away to reactions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards my mother out of the fear that she can still control
me or make me crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mother’s words that she speaks and writes, seeing
it as a mother’s point of view and that it is always what is best for you and the right thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still see my mother as the one that knows what is right for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that knows what is best for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that truly cares for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as the one that knows the truth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel that I own my mother my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as my mother’s little boy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still feel like I am my mother’s son that needs her in this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my mother as me being her son
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother’s judgement as valid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a kid in my mother’s eyes that knows nothing of
this reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as my mother’s fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother’s judgement validating what she says to exist
within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still live according to the idea my mother had about me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in such a way that I will not disappoint my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can fail my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as having to prove myself to my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have to prove myself to my mother to not to have to face
her again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as having to become someone create to prove my
mother wrong with in me participating in process
I do process for me as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself back within myself because of my mother’s fear
imprinted into me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it against my mother for giving me her fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother for her fears and seeing it as stupid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having my mother’s fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother creating polarity between us
and within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the past and the experiences I had with my mother,
the good and the bad ones
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see all the good experiences I had with my mother as nice
times and that it is cool to hold on to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to show morality towards my mother, from the starting point of she
is my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing who I might be without my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treasure my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my mother from all other beings making her special
with in my mind and thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike my mother for not participating in process with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my mother not standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold it against my mother that she is aware of process and that
she is deliberately not participating
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from that
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mean towards my mother just because she is my mother
and not some other being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for all the things I have said towards my
mother not taking full responsibility for what I have said
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded my mother as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret never having a fun time with my parents while being in
process, always trying to show a different image and fighting, justifying it as standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate my mother to not standing up for life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have stimulated my mother in a way that she will be spiteful
towards me and never stand up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a believe of this and made an emotion about it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create feelings towards what I am saying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of myself from my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear towards my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in fear towards my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mother in fear of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother as manipulation and control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself as manipulation and control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself through the eyes of my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to myself
I allow myself to stop
I allow myself to breath
I am here
I appreciate myself
I stand | | | | 39 Views | 2 Thumbs Up | 1 Comment | |
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